Brain detectives
TRUE OR FALSE:
If someone hears a direction but doesn't immediately follow it, that ALWAYS means they're purposely ignoring you.
Answer:
False. Someone might be distracted, hyperfocused, overwhelmed, impulsive, frustrated, or need additional processing time.
Fill in the blank:
There are always ______ sides to a story.
Answer:
More than one.
Bonus discussion: Two people can experience the same situation differently without either person necessarily lying.
Mom says:
“I need 10 minutes alone.”
What does this MOST likely mean?
A. I'm abandoning you.
B. I don't love you anymore.
C. My nervous system needs time to calm down.
D. You're grounded forever.
Answer:
C — My nervous system needs time to calm down.
At which level is it EASIEST to solve a problem?
A. Calm Hive
B. Buzzing
C. Defensive Hive
D. SWARM
Answer:
A — Calm Hive.
TRUE OR FALSE:
Respecting Mom means J has to agree with everything she says.
Answer:
False.
You can disagree with someone while still communicating respectfully.
J is playing a video game and Mom says:
“Can you please stop doing that?”
J immediately thinks:
“She's just trying to annoy me.”
Name TWO other possible reasons Mom might have asked him to stop.
Answers can include: Mom may be overwhelmed, need quiet, be concerned about safety, be trying to protect something, be enforcing an expectation, or need J to recognize how the behavior is affecting someone else.
Put these in the correct order:
CONSEQUENCE
TRIGGER
REACTION
WARNING SIGNS
Answer:
Trigger → Warning Signs → Reaction → Consequence
TRUE OR FALSE:
Taking space during an argument means you're running away from the problem.
Answer:
False.
A planned break can prevent escalation and allow both people to regulate before returning to problem-solving.
J starts:
What might his hive be doing?
Answer:
Moving from Buzzing toward Defensive Hive.
This is the time to use coping strategies before reaching SWARM.
Which sounds more effective?
A. “That's stupid! You're being ridiculous!”
B. “I don't agree with that rule. Can I explain why?”
Answer:
B.
Being respectful doesn't mean hiding disagreement. It means communicating the disagreement effectively.
Your annoyance level goes from:
😌 2/10 → 😡 9/10
Name TWO things that become harder for your brain to do.
Examples include listening, thinking clearly, controlling impulses, considering consequences, understanding another person's perspective, communicating appropriately, or problem-solving.
J says:
“I lost PlayStation just because I burped.”
What's ONE question you could ask to figure out whether that's the whole story?
Answer:
Examples:
“What happened before that?”
“What happened after Mom asked you to stop?”
“What was happening between you and Mom?”
“What happened from the beginning?”
Mom needs a break.
Complete this sentence:
“I'm feeling ________. I need ______ minutes to ________. I'm not ________. I will ________.”
Answer:
No single correct answer.
Example:
“I'm feeling overwhelmed. I need 10 minutes to calm myself down. I'm not leaving you. I will come find you when I'm ready.”
Mom has a hive too!
Mom notices:
What should MOM do?
Answer:
Recognize her own escalation and use a regulation strategy.
Examples: take her planned break, use her decompression space, breathe, reduce stimulation, use a brief neutral statement, or return to the conversation after calming.
ackson thinks Mom's rule is COMPLETELY UNFAIR.
Tell Mom you disagree WITHOUT:
❌ Swearing
❌ Yelling
❌ Insulting
❌ Throwing something
❌ Walking away mid-sentence
Answer:
Jackson earns the points if he can communicate his disagreement assertively and respectfully.
Bonus points for proposing a compromise.
J is tired, overstimulated, and already annoyed.
Mom is exhausted, overwhelmed, and already frustrated.
What is this a recipe for?
A. Amazing communication
B. A higher chance of escalation
C. Better problem-solving
D. Everyone suddenly becoming patient
Answer:
B — A higher chance of escalation.
When both people's nervous systems are already stressed, they have less capacity for patience, flexible thinking, and regulation.
Mom says:
“J exploded out of nowhere.”
Name THREE things that could have been happening inside Jackson before anyone could see them.
Answer:
Examples include frustration, embarrassment, sensory overload, fatigue, anxiety, feeling criticized, feeling misunderstood, annoyance, disappointment, or difficulty controlling an impulse/urge.
J wants Mom nearby.
Mom wants 10 minutes completely alone.
You have 60 seconds to find a compromise where BOTH people get something they need.
Answer:
Answers will vary.
Examples: use a timer; J engages in a preferred activity while Mom decompresses; agree that Mom will check in after 10 minutes; remain in separate nearby spaces; or establish a predictable break-and-return routine.
Jackson is at:
🐝🐝🐝
Mom is at:
🐝🐝🐝
Jackson says:
“We need to finish talking about this RIGHT NOW!”
Good idea or bad idea?
Answer:
Probably a bad idea.
Both people are already highly activated. Taking space and returning to the conversation when both are more regulated is more likely to result in productive communication.
Now Mom is extremely frustrated with Jackson.
Set a boundary WITHOUT:
❌ Yelling
❌ Insulting
❌ Threatening an unrealistic consequence
❌ Giving a giant lecture
Answer:
Mom earns the points if she can communicate a brief, clear, realistic boundary.
Example:
“I'm getting too frustrated to keep discussing this right now. I'm taking 10 minutes, and then we'll come back to it.”
J thinks:
“Mom is mad at me.”
But Mom's face could also mean she's:
Answer:
Possible emotions include tired, focused, worried, overwhelmed, frustrated, distracted, confused, etc.
Instead of assuming, check the evidence and ask.
Example:
“Mom, you look upset. Are you mad or is something else going on?”
🚨 PLOT TWIST
J says:
“Mom freaked out for no reason.”
Mom says:
“J completely lost it for no reason.”
Could BOTH of them be missing something? Explain.
Answer:
Yes.
J may not recognize Mom's accumulated stress, repeated requests, or need for space.
Mom may not recognize J's nternal frustration, overstimulation, impulsivity, difficulty shifting, or feeling misunderstood.
Understanding someone's perspective does NOT mean agreeing with everything they did.
🔥 An argument is getting worse.
You have two choices:
A. Stay until the other person understands why you're right.
B. Say you're getting too frustrated, take 10 minutes, regulate, and return to the conversation.
Which is more likely to actually solve the problem?
Answer:
B.
Regulation comes before effective problem-solving.
🚨🚨 SWARM ALERT 🚨🚨
Jackson = 🐝🐝🐝🐝
Mom = 🐝🐝🐝🐝
Who is right?
A. J
B. Mom
C. Figure it out immediately
D. It doesn't matter right now — REGULATE FIRST
Answer:
D.
At SWARM level, the immediate goal is safety and regulation, not determining who is right.
Problem-solving happens later.
Jackson:
“One thing Mom does that makes me feel respected is ______.”
Mom:
“One thing Jackson does that makes me feel respected is ______.”
NOW BOTH ANSWER:
“One thing I can do differently when I'm frustrated is ______.”
Answer:
There is no predetermined answer.
They BOTH have to answer honestly to earn the $500.