Observe & Describe
Chris receives a work email from their manager stating "please stop by my desk when you have a minute." Chris notices their heart racing and the thought: I'm getting fired."
Stating the facts only: 'The email asks me to stop by the desk. It contains no details about being in trouble.'
Alex cancels weekend plans with a friend because their social battery is completely empty from work. Alex cathces themselves thinking: ' I am a terrible, lazy friend.'
'My energy battery is low, and I need quiet time to recover so I can function.'
When a friend is sharing a difficult story about their day. Morgan refrains from interrupting or multitasking on their phone, maintaining eye contact and quiet focus.
I- (Act) interested.
Describe (the facts), express (the impact), and assert (the specific request)
Taylor is setting a boundary with an overbearing family member. Taylor states their decision clearly and refrains from starting every sentence with I'm so sorry, but..'
A- (No) Apologies.
During a family gathering, Sam realizes the room is getting loud, their jaw is tight, and they feel overwhelmed by multiple conversations at one.
Describing (Labeling the internal physical/ sensory state accurately with facts)
A coworker communicates using subtle hints and indirect jokes. An autistic client feels frustrated and thinks: ' indirect people are dishonest and manipulative.'
This person uses indirect communication patterns that do not match my preferred direct style."
A client needs to decline an invitation to a social outing. Instead of being harsh or sharp, they use a light, calm tone and say ' Thanks so much for thinking of me! I'm staying in tonight, but I hope you have a great time.'
G- (Be) Gentle.
A woman is asked by a boss to stay 2 hours late on a Friday. The client states: 'I cannot work past 5:00pm today due to prior commitments, but I can prioritize this first thing on Monday morning.'
Negotiate (or assert)
An adult man decides to wear noise canceling headphones int he grocery store despite worrying that strangers might look at them. They prioritize their physical comfort over trying to 'look normal'.
S- Sticking to your values (and T- Be truthful to yourself.)
Jordan sets a timer for 10 minutes to focus on their favorite hobby or special interest, turning off notifications and ignoring unread messages until the timer goes off.
One-mindfully
Pat makes a calculation error on a budget spreadsheet at work. Instead of spiraling into ' I can't handle adulthood,' Pat states: 'I made an error on row 14, and I can fix it in 5 minutes.'
A roommate expresses distress about a kitchen mess. A woman says: 'I hear that you feel stressed when the counter isn't clear. That makes sense since you need space to cook.'
V- validate
When asking a doctor to explain a medical diagnosis in more detail, a woman feels intimidated but stays on topic, repeatedly saying ' I need you to write down these instructions step by step before I leave.'
Broken record technique (stay mindful/focused)
A friend repeatedly asks a woman (his friend) to give advice on a personal crisis during work hours. The woman responds: 'I care about you, but i cannot answer personal texts during work hours. I am available between 6pm and 7pm.'
It is fair to your own work responsibilities while still giving the friend a clear, realistic window for connection
When entering a crowded grocery store, Taylor notices a sudden tightness in their chest and an urge to turn around. Instead of panicking. 'Taylor tells themselves: I am noticing a feeling of anxiety in my chest.'
It activates the executive functioning brain and creates space between the physical and the behavioral reaction.
A client feels angry because their routine was suddenly changed at work. They catch themselves thinking: 'This ruined my entire week and it's completely unfair.'
'The schedule changes unexpectedly, which disrupted my routine and made me feel stressed.'
During a debate over weekend plans, a man uses humor and an easygoing posture to keep the conversation lighthearted rather than turning it into a argument.
E (Use an) Easy Manner.
A man wants to ask their landlord to fix a leaking sink. They state: 'The sink under the bathroom cabinet has been leaking since tuesday. If it isn't fixed, it could cause water damage. Please send a plumber this week.
Describe: (the leak since Tuesday) Express/reinforce (water damage risk), Assert ) request for plumber)
A family member pressure-tests your choice to abstain from alcohol at a dinner party. You simply repeat: 'I am not drinking tonight, without making up a fake excuse or lying.'
T- Be truthful
During a meeting, a client feels confused by a colleague's vague statement instead of assuming the colleague is being passive aggressive, the client mentally notes: ' They made a vague statement that I don't fully understand yet."
It prevents misinterpretation and allows the client to ask clarifying questions calmly.
a group member wears earplugs in a restaurant. Another person looks at them curiously. The group member thinks: 'That person thinks I'm weird.'
'I am wearing earplugs for sensory comfort. A person looked in my direction for 2 seconds.'
A woman's partner is crying after a hard workday. The woman sits nearby, offers a soft blanket, and says: ' That sounds like an incredibly exhausting day.'
It reduces the other person's emotional distress first, making them feel heard and safe before offering solutions.
A friend asks to borrow money. The woman wants to say no without causing a fight. They say: 'I don't lend money to friends, but I'm happy to help you look over your budget if you'd like.'
It shows care and willingness to support (reinforce/negotiate)) while holding a firm no on the original request.
A coworker asks you to cover their shift for the third time this month. You feel exhausted and say: ' I am unable to cover your shift this week.' without over explaining or apologizing
it gives the other person room to debate or negotiate your reasons rather than accepting the boundary
Jamie spends 5 minutes sitting quietly before starting work, focusing entirely on the floor and the texture of their desk.
Observing sensory input (using tactile grounding to stay present) E.g using a fidget, a feather, keyboard, shirt
After an intense social event, a woman spends all of Sunday resting in a dark room. They feel guilty, thinking: 'I am wasting my day being unproductive.'
It removes value-based guilt (unproductive) and acknowledges the biological reality of energy depletion.
A man feels confused by a friend's emotional reaction. Instead of ignoring them or walking away, they ask directly: 'I want to understand can you tell me what felt hurtful about what i said?
I-Act Interested and V- Validate.
An employee receives feedback that their tone sounded sharp in an email. The employee says: ' I appreciate you bringing this to my attention. My goal was just to provide the facts quickly. I will make sure to add a greeting in future emails.'
Appear confident (and express/assert)
an man realizes they have been agreeing to social events they hate just to mask and fit in. They decide to start saying: ' Thanks for the invite, but that type of venue isn't a good fit for me.'
S- Self-respect (It honors their sensory needs)
T- Be truthful/stick to values
and this prevents social masking exhaustion
An autistic adult notices they are starting to 'zone out' and lose focus during a long lecture. They make a conscious choice to notice 3 distinct blue objects in the room to bring their mind back.
Participating/Observing mindfully
A man struggles to complete a complex task and thinks: ' This task is impossible and stupid.'
'This task has multiple steps that feel overwhelming right now. I need to break it down into smaller parts.'
When discussing a disagreement with co-worker, an employee intentionally avoids using sarcasm, threats, or judgmental eye-rolls.
It prevents defensive escalation and preserves mutual respect, keeping communication open for future collaboration.
A woman needs accommodations at work ( a quiet work space) They prepare by writing down exact facts about their productivity in quiet spaces versus noisy hallways before meeting HR.
During a heated discussion you notice the other person is escalating their volume. You stay calm, and keep your voice level, and refrain from using insults or cheap shots.
F- (Be) fair