Act It Out
You are eating dinner with your roommate after a long day. You suddenly say, “That’s disgusting — can you chew with your mouth closed?” You notice your roommate looks embarrassed and hurt. You decide to apologize and try again using an I-Message instead.
What I-Message could you use?
Act It Out!
“I’m sorry for how I said that. I get distracted by chewing sounds during meals, and I started feeling overwhelmed. Could we both try to be mindful of table manners while we eat?”
The following is an example of an I-Message used in a real-life situation:
“I felt frustrated when I noticed my roommate borrowed my things from my room without asking because I had trouble finding them afterward. Could you please ask me first next time?”
True or False?
True
Complete the following I-Message by filling in the blank:
“I feel ___ when I’m asked to speak in front of a group and I’m not prepared or sure of the answer. I wish I had a little more time to think before responding or could write my thoughts down first.”
😟 (nervous face)
😬 (uneasy face)
🧠💭 (thinking bubble)
😰 (anxious face)
Imagine you told a close friend some private/personal information about a major change in your family life. They said they would keep it confidential. Later, you find out they shared it with others in your friend group, and now several people know something you intended to keep private. You feel betrayed and unsure about trusting them again.
What I-Message could you use?
“I felt really hurt and betrayed when I found out you shared what I told you in confidence because I expected it to stay private. It’s made it hard for me to trust you. I need my personal information to stay between us if I share something sensitive.”
Compare:
You-Statement:
“You can’t be trusted. You told everyone my business.”
I-Statement:
“I feel hurt and upset that something I shared privately was repeated, because I value trust in our friendship.”
Change the following statement into an I-Message:
“You’re so unfair! You always believe her over me even when she is lying!
I feel frustrated when you don't believe my side of the story because I am telling the truth.
You and a coworker made plans to eat lunch together during your break. When the break started, you saw them go to lunch with another coworker instead. You felt hurt, disappointed, and left out.
What I-Message could you use to talk to your coworker about this? Act it out!
“I felt ___ when ___ happened because ___. I would appreciate ___.”
“I felt disappointed and left out when we made plans for lunch and then you went with someone else instead, because I was looking forward to spending time together. I’d appreciate it if you could let me know ahead of time if plans change.”
“You get on my nerves!” is an example of on I-Message.
False
Complete the following I-Message by filling in the blank with a quick drawing (emoji, simple sketch, or symbol that shows the feeling):
“When you said you didn’t want to be friends anymore, I felt ___. I really value our friendship and wish we could still hang out.”
💔 (hurt/broken heart)
😢 (sad face)
😞 (disappointed face)
🥺 (hurt/pleading expression)
Imagine you and a friend often eat together at home, at school, or during outings. Your friend sometimes grabs and eats part of your meal without checking in first. You don’t mind sharing most of the time, but you prefer being asked before they take food.
What I-Message could you use?
Compare:
You-Statement:
“You always take my food without asking!”
I-Statement:
“I feel more comfortable when I’m asked before you take some of my food, even though I’m usually happy to share.”
Use an I-Message to share how you feel right now, in this very moment.
Go!
Any answer!
“I feel a little tired right now because it’s been a long day.”
“I feel slightly overwhelmed right now because I have a lot on my mind."
“I feel content and relaxed right now because things are going smoothly and I’m comfortable where I am.”
You’re trying to finish an important project or you're busy on the computer after a long day. Your sibling keeps talking to you and interrupting your focus. You start to feel overwhelmed and frustrated. Instead of saying, “You’re so annoying! Stop talking!” you decide to use an I-Message instead.
What I-Message could you use?
Act It Out!
“I’m having trouble concentrating right now because I’m trying to finish this project. I’m starting to feel overwhelmed by the noise. Can we talk in a little bit after I’m done?”
The following statement is an example of an I-Message used in a real-life social situation:
“When you teased me in front of our friends, you made me so mad.”
True or False?
False
A more accurate I-Message would focus on feelings and impact rather than blame, such as:
“I felt embarrassed and upset when I was teased in front of our friends because it made me uncomfortable. I’d like it if that didn’t happen again.”
Complete the following I-Message by filling in the blank with a quick drawing:
“When you laughed at and made fun of my new haircut, I felt ___. I want to be spoken to kindly.”
😳 (embarrassed face)
😞 (disappointed face)
😔 (hurt/sad face)
😟 (worried face)
Imagine you’re trying to complete an assignment or task that requires focus. A peer keeps talking to you or making noises that are distracting. You don’t want to be unkind, but you need to be able to concentrate and finish your work.
What I-Message could you use?
“I’m having a hard time focusing on my assignment right now because of the talking around me. I need some quiet so I can finish my work. Could we talk after I’m done?”
Compare:
You-Statement:
“You’re being really annoying—stop talking.”
I-Message:
“I feel distracted and overwhelmed when there’s a lot of talking while I’m trying to work, so I need a quieter space to focus.”
Change the following statement into an I-Message:
“You never hang out with me anymore. It’s like you don’t want to be friends anymore.”
I feel sad when you don't want to hang out with me because it makes me feel like you don't want to be my friend anymore.
You were hanging out with a group of friends, and you answered a trivia question incorrectly. One of your friends laughed at you in front of everyone, and you felt embarrassed and hurt. Later, you decide to talk to them privately because you want them to understand how their reaction affected you.
Use an I-Message to explain how you felt and how you would like to be treated.
Act It Out!
“I felt embarrassed and hurt when everyone laughed after I got the question wrong because it made me feel uncomfortable in front of the group. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t make fun of me when I make mistakes.”
The following is an example of an I-Message:
“I think that you’re a liar and a cheater.”
False
This is not an I-Message because it includes labeling and judgment (“liar” and “cheater”) instead of describing feelings and specific behaviors.
A more appropriate I-Message could be:
“I feel hurt and confused when I find out that things I was told don’t match what actually happened, because it makes it hard for me to trust what’s being said. I’d like us to be honest with each other.”
Complete the following I-Message by filling in the blank with a quick drawing:
“When we spend time together, I feel ___. I hope that we can do things together more often.”
😊 (happy face)
😄 (excited/happy face)
🥰 (warm/affectionate feeling)
😌 (content/comfortable)
Imagine you’re sharing something you created in a casual setting (sketch, craft, meme, project) with a friend you trust. You put a lot of time and effort into it and felt proud when you showed it. Your friend teases it in a way that makes you feel embarrassed and hurt.
What I-Message could you use?
Compare:
You-Statement:
“You’re so mean—you ruined it.”
I-Message:
“I feel hurt when my work is teased because it’s something I worked hard on, and I’d like it to be treated with respect.”
What are two good reasons to use I-Messages over yoU-Messages?
I Messages help you focus on your emotions and feelings.
I Messages can help to resolve conflict and can make people less defensive.
You’ve noticed a friend in your social group roll their eyes a few times and whisper to someone else while looking at you. You are not completely sure what it means, but it’s starting to make you feel uncomfortable and self-conscious. Instead of assuming or getting angry, you decide to talk to your friend privately using an I-Message.
What I-Message could you use?
Act It Out!
“I’ve noticed a few times that when I’m talking, you roll your eyes and whisper to someone else, and I start to feel uncomfortable and worried that something is wrong. I’d appreciate it if we could talk directly if there’s an issue.”
I-Messages are only useful if you have a disagreement or conflict with someone.
False
I-Messages are not only for conflict situations. They can also be used in everyday communication to express preferences, boundaries, needs, and feelings in a clear and respectful way.
Complete the following I-Message by filling in the blank with a quick drawing (emoji, simple symbol, or sketch that shows the feeling):
“I felt ___ when I was left to finish a shared task by myself after we had agreed to work on it together. The next time, I would like us both to contribute and stay involved.”
😠 (angry/frustrated face)
😤 (frustrated/annoyed face)
😕 (confused/disappointed face)
😔 (hurt/disappointed face)
Imagine you’re participating in a casual recreational activity (sports, group game, etc.). One of the people you’re playing with often makes negative comments or puts you down during the game. Instead of being criticized, you want to be treated with respect and encouragement.
What I-Message could you use?
“I feel discouraged and uncomfortable when I’m put down while we’re playing because it makes it harder for me to enjoy the game. I’d like it if we could keep comments supportive and respectful.”
Think about a recent disagreement or conflict you had with someone, perhaps with a friend or family member. Without using any names, if you could go back in time and use an I-Message with them, what would you say?
I feel ___ when ____ because ____.