SPOT THE MANIPULATION
A person says, “If you really loved me, you’d do this for me.” What tactic are they using?
Guilt-tripping
The uncomfortable feeling someone may be trying to avoid when they use guilt or dishonesty to keep a partner close?
Fear of rejection or abandonment.
Your ex clearly says, “Do not contact me.” The respectful response is this
Stop contact and respect the boundary.
This DBT skill asks you to stop, step back, observe, and proceed mindfully.
STOP
Replace “You made me lie” with a statement that owns your behavior
“I chose to lie, and I’m responsible for that choice.”
Someone deliberately stops speaking to another person to punish them until they give in.
The silent treatment
Manipulation may provide this immediate reward, even though it damages trust later
Temporary relief, reassurance, or a sense of control
Someone wants your phone password and says you must give it to them to prove your love.
Recognize coercive pressure and maintain privacy boundaries.
Before assuming “They didn’t reply because they hate me,” use this DBT skill
Check the Facts.
: A genuine apology includes acknowledgment of harm, without making excuses, and this essential next step
Change the behavior and respect the other person’s boundaries
A person exaggerates a crisis to make an ex-partner feel obligated to return
Emotional manipulation through deception.
Someone blames their partner for their own dishonesty rather than accepting responsibility.
Blame-shifting
A person insists you owe them a relationship because they helped you financially
Generosity does not create ownership or entitlement
Instead of repeatedly checking an ex’s social media, choose a healthy action that reduces the urge-driven pattern
Opposite Action, when appropriate to the emotion and facts.
Someone wants to rebuild trust after repeated manipulation. This matters more than promises
Consistent, honest behavior over time
Someone repeatedly denies what they said and tries to make another person distrust their own memory.
Gaslighting
A person says, “I only lied because I love them so much.”
Rationalization
A friend repeatedly follows their ex and checks where they go, even after being told to stop.
Stalking or intrusive boundary violation
This interpersonal effectiveness skill helps you make a direct and respectful request without guilt or trickery
DEAR MAN
A person feels compelled to contact their ex despite a no-contact request. Name two safe alternatives.
Use STOP, contact a support person, journal, and avoid monitoring or contacting the ex.
A person threatens to end a friendship whenever their friend sets a boundary
Using threats of abandonment to control someone.
The difference between seeking connection and controlling someone else’s choices
Respecting autonomy versus trying to force an outcome.
A healthy boundary includes what you will do if a harmful interaction continues, rather than attempting to control the other person
State and follow through on your own limit
Accepting that another person may never return, even though it hurts, practices this DBT skill.
Radical Acceptance
In ACT, choosing honesty, respect, and independence despite uncomfortable emotions demonstrates this.
Values-based committed action or psychological flexibility