Books
one of the two authors of the OG Boundaries book
Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend
Rules for others are called these
Expectations
Habitual ways of thinking that are inaccurate, exaggerated, or unhelpful.
Cognitive Distortions
Believing events are about you when they aren’t. The brain tries to explain uncertainty by making oneself the cause.
Personalization
Believing that life should operate according to your personal definition of fairness, and becoming upset when it does not.
Fallacy of Fairness
The unsafe trait of starting relationships, but then fading away
Abandoning
"I already lent you money last week, so not again right now" is this type of boundary
Material
This type of thinking ignores nuance. Everything is seen as success of failure, perfect or terrible, etc.
All or nothing thinking or Black and white thinking
Believing something is true because it feels true.
Emotional Reasoning
Believing that other people must change in order for you to be happy.
Fallacy of Change
The unsafe trait of patronizing and judging
Criticizing
Self-regulation, energy expended on self vs. others are this type of boundary
Internal
Expecting the worst possible outcome
Catastrophizing
Rigid rules about how you or others must behave.
Should statements
The need to prove that one's opinions or actions are correct, even when it damages relationships.
Being right
The two books we discussed during our conversation on relationships
Safe people
Boundaries
A very important boundary is learning how to say this
no
Assuming you know what others think.
Mind reading
When you hear yourself saying “I should”, switch to this
I could
Believing that sacrifice, suffering, or hard work will automatically be rewarded.
Heaven’s Reward Fallacy
What are the three E's in setting boundaries?
Explore, explain, and empower.
To establish and enforce boundaries, you must let these guide you
Values
Taking one negative event and making a sweeping conclusion.
Overgeneralization
Downplaying your strengths, accomplishments, or positive qualities.
Believing your life is controlled by external forces.
External Control Fallacy