Dad Has Entered the Chat
The mandatory response when your child says, “I’m hungry.”
What is “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad”?
The involuntary sound made when you almost bump into someone at the grocery store.
What is “Ope!”?
The legally required joke when an item fails to scan at checkout.
What is “Guess that means it’s free!”?
The announcement made upon spotting livestock, because everyone in the vehicle deserves to know.
What is “Look, cows!”?
The response to “How’s it going?” delivered while holding coffee and staring into the middle distance.
What is “Living the dream”?
The declaration made after securing something with a ratchet strap and giving it one firm tug.
What is “That’s not going anywhere”?
The phrase used while squeezing through a gap that is clearly too small for you and your cart.
What is “Just gonna sneak right past ya”?
The promise made upon entering Target that has never once survived contact with Target.
What is “We’re just getting one thing”?
The official progress report delivered after arriving seven minutes ahead of the GPS estimate.
What is “We’re making good time”?
The question your coworker asks when they catch you enjoying four seconds of peace.
What is “Working hard or hardly working?”?
The question asked when someone leaves a door open and lets the cold air out.
What is “Are we cooling the whole neighborhood?”
The weather observation that follows every complaint about a 95-degree day.
What is “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity”?
The announcement made after seeing your food approach, even though nobody at your table works there.
What is “Here comes trouble!”?
The phrase spoken to a driver who hasn’t moved within 0.3 seconds of the light changing.
What is “It’s not getting any greener!”?
The question asked at 9:04 a.m. on a Tuesday, despite everyone knowing the answer.
What is “Is it Friday yet?”?
The announcement made upon flipping a breaker and successfully restoring power.
What is “Let there be light”?
The agricultural assessment delivered from your porch, regardless of whether you actually farm.
What is “We needed the rain”?
The greeting delivered to someone washing a car, suggesting they could expand their operation to include yours.
What is “You can do mine next!”?
The confident declaration that precedes an additional 25 minutes of driving through an unfamiliar neighborhood.
What is “I know a shortcut”?
The daily financial summary that dramatically overstates how far your paycheck will go.
What is “Another day, another dollar”?
The traditional blessing spoken over a questionable repair that appears to hold.
What is “That oughta do it”?
Accompanied by slapping both knees, this announces that your departure will begin sometime in the next 45 minutes.
What is “Welp, we better get going”?
The financial analysis offered after discovering that the advertised price excludes several additional fees.
What is “That’s how they get ya”?
The instruction given before departure that suggests your bladder should anticipate future events.
What is “Go even if you don’t have to”?
The diagnosis offered to an irritated coworker that will almost certainly make them more irritated.
What is “Sounds like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays”?