Misplaced Blame
Someone tells me: "We lost because you didn't try hard enough."
I am not responsible for...
The outcome of the entire game, their personal expectations.
Example response: I know you're upset that we lost, but it's not fair to blame one person. We're all responsible for the outcome.
You say, "I shouldn't have spoken up. Now everything's worse."
You are not responsible for...
Other people's discomfort with honesty, how other's respond to honesty or feedback.
Example healthier response: I spoke up because it mattered. How other's reacted is on them, not me.
"After all I do for you, this is how you treat me?"
Meeting unspoken expectations, sacrificing your autonomy to prove loyalty to another person.
Example response: I appreciate the things you do for me, but it's not fair to use that to pressure me.
This is all your fault.
Controlling every possible outcome, taking full blame for shared events.
What's a healthy way to respond?
Someone tells me: "I got grounded because you told on me."
I am not responsible for...
Their choice to break a rule, consequences they received from someone else.
Example response: I didn't get you in trouble. You made a choice, staying out of trouble is your responsibility.
You say, "It's my fault my parents fight."
You are not responsible for...
How others choose to communicate, solving problems that aren't yours, etc.
Healthier response: My parent's fights are about their relationship. I didn't make them yell and scream, and I can't fix all the things they fight about.
"If you really cared, you'd say yes."
Saying yes to avoid feeling guilty
Example response: I do care about you, but I also need to make decisions that are right for me. Caring doesn't mean I have to say yes every time.
You never help anyone.
Meeting unrealistic expectations, being available all the time, rescuing others.
What's a healthy way to respond to this statement?
Someone tells me, "If you weren't so annoying I wouldn't have to yell."
I am not responsible for...
How they choose to express their anger, their lack of emotional regulation.
Example response: I get that you're frustrated, but how you respond is up to you. Yelling at me isn't okay.
You say, "they cheated on me because I wasn't enough."
You are not responsible for...
Someone else's choice to cheat or be dishonest, their lack of integrity or respect.
Example of a healthier response: Their decision to cheat reflects on them, not on my worth.
"Wow, I guess I'm just a terrible friend then."
Managing someone else's self-esteem, accepting blame just because I enforced my boundaries.
Example response: You're not a terrible friend. But this is a personal boundary I'm not willing to cross.
If you say no, I'll be alone forever.
Someone else's abandonment issues.
Give an example of a healthy response.
Someone tells me, "You always make Mom so mad. You should stop."
I am not responsible for...
Another person's reaction or emotions, etc.
Example response: Mom's feelings are her responsibility. I'll try to be respectful, but I'm not in charge of her reactions.
"If I were more fun, people would like me."
I am not responsible for...
Making others like me or accept me, changing who I am to meet other people's preferences.
Example healthier response: I don't have to change myself to connect with someone. The right people will value me for who I am.
"Go ahead and leave, everyone else does too."
Staying just to reassure someone, their abandonment issues, etc.
Example response: I care, but I can't stay in this conversation if you're gonna guilt trip me or make assumptions.
You made Mom cry. Hope you're happy.
Mom's reactions if my actions were respectful.
Give an example response.
Someone tells you, "You ruined the whole day by being late."
I am not responsible for...
Their entire mood, the success of the whole day, how they choose to respond to delays.
Example response: I'm sorry for being late, but that didn't ruin the whole day.
"I always mess things up, every time something goes wrong it's my fault."
I am not responsible for...
All the blame all the time, the responsibility of every outcome, etc.
Example healthier response: I make mistakes like everyone else, but that doesn't mean I'm always the problem.
"I guess I'll do everything myself like always."
Responding to passive-aggression, reading someone else's mind, helping someone without being asked respectfully.
Example response: If you need help you can ask me, but guilt-tripping me makes it harder for me to say yes.
Fine. Do what you want. Don't blame me when it all goes wrong.
Making decisions based on threats or manipulation, doing what someone else wants just to make them feel better.
Healthy response?