Objective Effectiveness
I don't deserve to get what I want or need
You have the right to express what you want, and the right to expect that your needs will be reasonably met in a relationship.
Other people should be willing to do more for my needs.
I can take responsibility for getting my needs met.
Revenge will feels so good, it will be worth negative consequences.
Seeking revenge isn’t going to undo the actions of the person who has wronged you. Doing the right thing, being the bigger person – you will be glad you did so in the long run.
Everybody lies.
Trust is a crucial ingredient in our relationships. When we use past experiences as reasons not to trust, then we are really only hurting ourselves. We all have reasons not to trust. But walling ourselves off from each other only perpetuates the problem—this does not keep us safe; it keeps us lonely.
You use this skill to ask for what you want.
DEAR MAN
If I make a request, this will show I am a very weak person.
Even the strong ones have to ask for help sometimes because we’re only human and no one is perfect.
I shouldn't have to negotiate or work at getting what I want.
When we speak about our feelings with the expectation that people should just know what we want and comply to it, we aren’t putting in the necessary effort to make our feelings understood. By making a request, we give others a much clearer idea of what it is we are asking of them. Feelings are a two way street. Just because you feel a certain way doesn’t entitle you to anything. And if you really want to request someone to make a change, you have to also keep in mind their own feelings and needs as well.
If I don't have what I want or need, it doesn't make a difference. I don't really care.
My needs matter
Only wimps have values.
The way we behave toward others is an expression of our values and character. It takes strength to act in line with our values. It can take a lot of self-control to be respectful to people who are nasty, dishonorable, or disrespectful to us.
Letter in DEARMAN used when you stick to the facts of the current situation.
D
Saying no is selfish
We need to be able to say “no” to others, so that we can say “yes” to ourselves, because if you fill your days with other people’s needs, there is literally no time left for you. Setting boundaries is a way of caring for myself. It doesn’t make me mean, selfish, or uncaring just because I don’t do things your way. I can care about me, too.
People should know when they hurt my feelings; I shouldn't have to tell them.
People can't make things better if they're unaware of your feelings. No one is a mind reader.
I should be willing to sacrifice my needs for others.
Creating healthy boundaries is essential for maintaining your self-respect and living a fulfilling life with those around you. Putting other people first will eventually deplete you of your energy. You can support people in helping them meet their needs, but it’s not your job to meet them entirely.
They don't deserve me treating them well.
Everyone deserves respect. When people disrespect you, you can forgive them because nobody is perfect, and we all have inner demons that we struggle with. We are all work in progress, we fall & rise again, we make mistakes to learn, we hurt people dear to us without intending to, and we wrestle every day with our inner demons. Nevertheless, we all deserve a second chance because we are learning and growing to become a better person.
What is validation
Which of the following is an example of validation: A peer is having a lot of problems with symptoms lately. He is getting into trouble with staff, breaking rules. He asks you to lie for him so that he can stay out of further trouble.
1. You say, “You’re really worried about being in trouble, and I can understand that, but I can’t lie, and get into trouble too. Let’s find another solution.”
2. You immediately go tell staff on him.
3. You try to avoid him. When he approaches you, you say, “I can’t talk right now, I have to do my laundry.”
4. You say, “I understand that you don’t want to get in trouble. I will cover for you.”
You say, “You’re really worried about being in trouble, and I can understand that, but I can’t lie, and get into trouble too. Let’s find another solution.”
I have to know someone is going to say yes before I make a request.
Uncertainty is less than ideal, but it is acceptable and tolerable. I don’t particularly care for uncertainty, but I can bear it.
I shouldn't be fair, kind, or courteous to others if they don't act that way towards me.
While it is important not to let others treat you poorly, being mean to the person who was mean to you is only an excuse for vengeful for feelings, and those aren’t necessary. Vengeance doesn’t solve anything.You’re not going to make things better by lashing out back at them; chances are you may make things worse. Instead I can act in a way that aligns with my values. I can walk away without acting in a direspectful manner. Treating someone poorly back might make you feel worse; you might feel guilty, upset, regretful later.
The problem is just in my head; if I would just think differently, I wouldn't have to bother anyone.
I don't need to discount my emotions and hardship. Ut is real to me and valid even if others try to tell me otherwise. I have have every right to feel the way I do irregardless to what the world and people around me are going through.
Feelings cannot be ignored or wished away and the way we deal with them is by confronting them head on, and if your method of coping is by confiding in someone you do not need to apologize for that.
What are 3 interpersonal effectiveness acronyms
DEAR MAN, GIVE FAST
FAST stands for
Fair, no Apologies, Stick to values, and be Truthful
If someone says no, I won't be able to tolerate them getting upset with me.
If you’re basing your decision whether to say yes or to say no on the fact that you care about what other people will say, remember you can never control everybody’s opinion of you. Whatever you do, whatever you say, people will have react a certain way and you are not responsible for this!
Getting what I want is more important than how I get it; the ends justify the means.
If you choose to be disrespectful, you will receive a negative reaction, which probably won’t make you happy. Prioritizing short term goals in pursuit of artificial, short-term gains could lead to regret sacrificing more important things I value long-term (i.e. relationships). & you feel worse; you might feel guilty, upset, regretful later.
I must be inadequate if I can't fix this myself
No one can do it all. I need to remember I cannot be all the things, to all the people, and survive. Being a fixer ends up emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted trying to save the world. You are better able to problem solve effectively by asking for help
GIVE stands for
Gentle, show Interest, Validate and use and Easy manner.
What does DEAR MAN stand for?
Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear-Confident, Negotiate