Changing Behaviors
Building Bridges:
Find healthy ways to fulfill the wants and needs that harmful behaviors have met for us previously.
The goal is to seek out and follow through on alternative, healthy behaviors that bridge you to your legitimate wants and needs. Just remember that you have to cross your new bridges every day for this skill to take root.
Ex: Someone who overeats to soothe stress can plan self-soothing behaviors.
Other examples:
- Someone who drinks alcohol to relax can proactively plan for relaxation behaviors
- Someone who self-harms to feel grounded can practice grounding exercises to connect to the moment.
Self-Respect Through Values:
Choosing behaviors that reflect your values is the path to self-respect.
This takes dedication on your part. Every day, choose behaviors that speak to your values. In other words, people should be able to know your values by what they see in your behaviors.
Think about what's really important to you and identify some of your values.
How do you act in accordance with a value you have?
Ex: Showing appreciation - acts of kindness towards friends/family (words of affirmation, gift giving, spending quality time, etc.)
Peaceful Place:
Our minds are so powerful that they can trick our bodies into relaxing. So why not use this great power?
Visualize a peaceful place and try to incorporate as many details as you can using your senses. Imagine what it's like to spend time there. There are no clocks, no worries, only serenity.
The more you practice going there, the more peaceful it will become.
Describe it out loud!
Ex: laying on the beach in Hawaii. It's sunny, hot, and I can feel the mist from the waves spray my face from time to time. I can smell sun screen and taste the salt in the air. My body feels relaxed and my mind is at ease. I take a deep breath and appreciate this moment.
Self-Other Balance:
Relationships frequently get out of balance, which results in unfulfilled needs and conflict.
While it's true that the balance will sometimes shift one way or another - sometimes for an extended period - your wants and needs should be in balance with those of the other over time.
Work on and adjust your relationships as needed...
Think about an important relationship. What does the overall give-and-take balance look like? What is going well? If it seems unbalanced, what needs to change?
Ex: When I cook, he offers to clean up afterwards (and vice versa). We also choose certain nights where we do both together!
Reasons to Change:
It's hard to change your behavior if you can't figure out a reason to make the change. It's the "why" to change that inspires the "how" to change.
Why is it important to stop self-injury or stay sober? Or why would you want to walk the dog every day or stay on a budget?
Pick a behavior you want to give up or a new one you want to establish. What are the reasons why you want to make the change?
Examples:
*I would like to stop self-isolating*
- to improve self-confidence
- to improve a significant relationship
- to improve functionality
- to be more present for my children
Interpersonal Bill of Rights:
We all have interpersonal rights, such as the right to be treated with respect, to express our feelings and opinions, and to stand up for our values.
Other people have their own values, so it's important to respect their bill of rights too.
What interpersonal rights do you hold?
Examples:
- To have and maintain boundaries
- To ask questions, think about a request, say no, and respectfully disagree.
Activity Log: Keeping busy enough with activities has many benefits. Activities distract us from our concerns, crowd out problem behaviors (because we're too busy to engage in them), and generally lead us to feel good.
What are some of your favorite activities you engage in regularly? Do you have enough in your life? If not, what are you willing to start implementing?
Examples: going to the gym, gardening, volunteering, planning lunches/dinners with friends/ family.
Refusing Right and Wrong: Two different points of view can be true at the same time. Think about the weather. A Minnesotan will have a different idea or cold weather compared to a Floridian.
Is one right and the other wrong?
Of course not, yet think about all the times we cling to the concept of being right when it all depends on perspective.
The next time you find yourself in a vigorous debate, try refusing right and wrong. Instead, step back and consider the other person's perspective (which doesn't require agreement), and see conflict melt away.
Can you identify a scenario where this skill could have helped deescalate a heated conversation?
Examples: discussing politics
Decrease the Toxicity:
When toxicity builds in our relationships or environments, it's time to detoxify!
If you're the cause of, or a contributor to, toxicity, then take active steps to change the situation. This requires being mindful of what sensory input is harmful and limiting it while seeking input that is helpful (or at least neutral).
Ex: taking a temporary break from social media
How can you put limits on the toxicity in your life?
Other examples:
- Take a vacation from toxic topics (or people)
- Turn off obtrusive noise in your environment
- Seek out entertainment that is uplifting rather than negative
Avoiding Validation Pitfalls: The Bright Side
One validation pitfall is trying to help others by minimizing the effect of their suffering. Sometimes we do this when we look on the bright side.
It can be tempting to say to someone, "At least..." - forgetting that such a statement actually discounts their experience.
This is not to say that it's never helpful to look on the bright side and bring some optimism. However, going to the bright side too soon is likely to be counterproductive and invalidating.
How could you best validate someone's emotions before (and if) you "jump to the bright side?"
Ex:
- "I can see how that's challenging..."
- "That must be really tough..."
- "Wow, you have a lot on your plate..."
Distress Tolerance Kit:
It's important to have items readily available that help you tolerate stress better (whether you're at home, work, or in your car, etc.).
What are some of your go-to items that make your environment easier to manage stress?
Examples: relaxing music, essential oils, journaling, index cards with coping statements, inspiring books, stress balls
Self-Acceptance and Change:
It's easy to judge ourselves when we get stuck in ineffective behavior and nothing seems to be changing.
The problem is that self-judgment makes it harder to try new skills and behaviors. Self-acceptance and change counterbalance each other.
The next time you are stuck in ineffective behaviors, take a deep breath, assume a nonjudgmental stance, and practice accepting yourself as you are and the moment as it is.
Be in this place for a short time, and then practice a skill. Over time, notice how the practice of self-acceptance opens the door to being more skillful.
Identify something you struggle with accepting about your self and/or situation? What would self-acceptance look like for you? What skill could you use in addition to self-acceptance to help cope.
Example: I struggle with body image and often restrict my eating. Self-acceptance would be showing gratitude toward my body and what it allows me to do. I will also utilize mindfulness to help keep my thoughts stay in the present moment.
Plan for Triggers:
Triggers for problem behaviors can be certain people, places, situations, thoughts, or feelings.
Triggers hold power when we let them control us. Planning a skillful response gives you power.
The first step in changing your behavior is identifying what set you off.
Once you have identified your triggers, establish a plan for dealing with them. If you're able, the best approach is to remove triggers altogether.
However, triggers that are unavoidable require a contingency plan. What is a trigger of yours and what skills do you use when you encounter it?
Examples:
- Mindfulness
- The 3 R's (retreat, rethink, respond)
- Breathing exercises
- Thought adjustment
Making Amends:
Sometimes we can be insensitive, blow up, or engage in behaviors that inconvenience or harm others. Mistakes lead to guilt which often causes more stress.
If you feel guilty, an apology is most likely warranted. Consider how you can make the situation better and put your plan into action. To truly make amends, you also need to commit to trying not to make the same mistake again.
Making amends not only heals mistakes and relationships, but it also helps to alleviate feelings of guilt.
What are some healthy ways to make amends?
Examples:
- Not placing all the blame on others for the way you behave
- Taking responsibility for your actions
- Communicating from an adult ego state
Healthy Comparisons:
It's easy to notice when we don't think we are measuring up to others. We tell ourselves that we aren't as smart, attractive, or fortunate as other people.
As an alternative, remind yourself that other people also struggle. For example, if you're frustrated about taking public transportation, remind yourself that some people are unable to get out at all.
No matter the problem, other people (somewhere in the world) are likely to have it worse.
Keep in mind that making a healthy comparison doesn't mean invalidating your own problems. It simply helps to put things into perspective.
What situation can you identify recently where this skill may have helped you in the moment?
Example: I did not go to the gym as planned and felt bad about myself as a result. Others may not be able to afford a gym membership or may have physical barriers to exercise. I reminded myself that I am fortunate to have access to a gym and that my body allows me to engage in exercise. This motivated me to want to follow through with my gym plans in the future.
Build Mastery vs. Build Positive Experience:
Building mastery is about doing tasks that help you feel on top of your responsibilities, like keeping your home clean and organized, responding to emails, or attending to other life demands.
Building positive experience means doing fun activities and spending time with people you enjoy.
Feeling good about life comes from balancing what you have to do with what you want to do.
What are some of your "have tos" and "want tos"? How can you ensure you balance them consistently?
Example: "have to" work and "want to" cook a nice dinner 1x a week. Buy ingredients over the weekend (plan ahead) and prep things in advance to cut down amount of time it takes after work.