Pirate Bible
"The land was a mess, nary a speck of shape, 'n all was shrouded in dark over the deep abyss. But then the spirit of ol' God sailed across the waters."
Genesis / In the Beginning
(Genesis 1:2)
"The son doesn't even hang around to hear his dad's top ten tips for survival. He legs it. Within weeks he's off to foreign climes, spending the nights filling the glasses of the designer set with his liquid assets. He has such a great time he can't remember any of it the next day. 'Course, the money goes down the toilet. So do the "friends" when they realize he's skint. So he surfs around and finds a site called www.worstjobsposs.com. He scrolls through the search results and ends up cleaning out the pigsties-- not such a great career move, since he still counts himself Jewish."
Prodigal son
(Luke 15:13-16)
"Mary sheepishly asked, "How's this going to work since I've never slept with a man?" Gabriel said, "You ain't gotta worry about that part. God will take care of it. This baby is going to be holy, and he is gonna be God's only boy."
Gabriel appears to Mary
(Luke 1:34-35)
"For I know the plans I have for y’all,” declares YHWH, “plans for prosperity not disaster, to give y’all hope and a future. "
Jeremiah 29:11
"Dat time Jesus stay walking by Galilee Lake, an he spock Simon an his brudda Andrew. Dey throwing dea net inside da water, cuz dey fisha guys. Jesus tell um, “Eh you guys! Come wit me! Be my guys! Da way you guys bring in da fish, I goin teach you guys how fo bring in peopo fo be my guys too!” Right den an dea, dey wen leave dea nets an go wit him."
Jesus calls Peter and Andrew
(Mark 1:16-18)
And after a few days, ol' Cap'n Jesus sailed inta Capernaum, and it was spreadin' 'round that he was plannin' to lay anchor in the house. Me Hearties, soon more were gathered than ye could ever count, it were so crowded that ye couldn't fit one more in, not even around the door! And he gave 'em a rousin' preachin' o' the Word. They sailed up to 'im, four o' them, bearin' one o' their own what was sicly o' the palsy. When they could no longer press their way through the crowd to get to 'im, they uncovered the spot where he be layin'. And when they'd broken it open, they lowered the cot bearin' the poor chap sufferin' from the palsy. When Jesus spied their boldness, he bellowed to the sickly one, Matey, yer wrongdoings be pardoned."
Paralyzed Man
(Mark 2:1-5)
"I'll be the password to your heart. For love is stronger than death, and a lover's passion is as jealous as the grave. It bursts into flame and roars like a searing hot blaze-- oceans of water can't put it out; whole rivers can't quench its light. Love can't be bought--the world's riches man can't afford a takeover bid on love: it's priceless."
Song of Songs
(Song of Songs 8:6-7)
"So Jesus said, "If a cowboy has a hundred head of cattle and one calf goes missing, what would he do? Wouldn't he leave the ninety-nine and go find the one that was lost? And when he finds it, won't he pull it up into the saddle with him and carry it home? When he gets home, he will tell all the other cowboys that he found it and everyone will be relieved and glad. In the same way, there is more happiness in heaven about the Top Hand bringing in one stray than there is about the ninety-nine that were already there."
The Lost Sheep
(Luke 15:3-7)
“If y’all ask, it will be given y’all. If y’all seek, y’all will find. If y’all knock, it will be opened for y’all.
Matthew 7:7
"Saul stay going on da road, an come near Damascus. An you know wat? Right den an dea one light from da sky wen flash aroun him. He wen fall down on top da groun, an hear one voice telling him, “Eh, Saul! Saul! How come you making me suffa?”
Saul wen aks, “Who you, Boss?”
Da voice wen say, “I Jesus, da Guy you stay make suffa. Now stand up an go inside da town, an somebody goin tell you wat you gotta do.”
Jesus appears to Saul
(Acts 9:3-6)
"What be ye about, ye scurvy callywags? What be ye askin' o me? That this sea be calm? Ye bst be hopin' ye can do somethin' to appease me, else these tempestuous seas be the least o' yer worries! Avast, ye scurvy dogs! Do as I ask and take me up, yea, cast me overboard inta th' sea. The waves'll be stilled fer ye, I swear it! I be knowin' 'tis 'cause of me this wild tempest is uponya!"
Story of Jonah
(Jonah 1:11-12)
"Chew over Moses' Rule Book like it's gum (it won't lose its flavour). Mull it over all day, dream about it all night--marinate your brain in it. It should be a reflex, a natural-born instinct to live right, like the book says, 'Cos then you'll all do well, you'll succeed, you'll live long and prosper. This isn't a suggestion; it's an instruction, an order, a Head Office Directive - go for it, full on, large. Now's not the time for wimps, losers or lard-hearts, 'cos the big-guy-in-the-sky goes with you wherever you go. Got it? Then DO it!"
Joshua
(Joshua 1:8-9)
"They brought the colt to Jesus and they threw their coats on its back as saddles blankets and then Jesus hopped up there. Then Jesus started his ride into Jerusalem and people honored him by throwing their own coats on the groud so that even the colt's feet that carried him wouldn't touch the dirt. Some people even cut branches off of nearby trees and laid them down in the road for Jesu's mount to walk on. This was quite a sight to see and people in front of Jesus and behind him were shouting, "The Lord will save us! Here's to the One who rides in the name of the Lord! Here's to the coming of the outfit that our father David talked so much about. Here! Here!"
Jesus rides into Jerusalem
(Mark 11:7-10)
"Or don’t y’all know that y’all’s body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in y’all, whom y’all have from God? Y’all are not y’all’s own. For y’all were bought with a price. Therefore glorify God in y’all’s body."
1 Corinthians
(1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
"Wen dey stay dea, da time come fo her fo born her baby. An she wen born her numba one boy, an wrap him up inside some cloths, an lay him down inside one ting fo hold da cows food, cuz no mo room fo dem inside da small hotel."
Jesus' Birth
(Luke 2:6-7)
"Blimey, look at yer pretty peg-legs laden with swag, O daughter of a King! Yer fine hull and gams are like jewels, crafted by the crafty hands of a master craftsman."
Song of Songs
(Song of Songs 7:1)
"You're my guide and my guard, my minder, my mentor.
What more do I need? What's better at the centre?
You sit me down, put my best CD on,
And my dismemembered soul remembers who I am again"
Psalm 23
(Psalm 23:1-3)
"You folks in Galatia are a bunch of gunsels. Why? Why Jesus died on the cross is as clear as the nose on your face."
Galatians
(Galatians 3:1)
"He stood and cried to the armies of Israel, and said to them, “Why have y’all come out prepared for battle? Am I not a Philistine, and aren’t y’all servants of Saul? Choose a man for yourselves*, and have him come down to me. If he is able to fight and kill me, then will we be y’all’s servants. But if I prevail against him and kill him, then y’all will be our servants and serve us.” The Philistine said, “I defy the armies of Israel today! Y’all give me a man so we may fight together!”
Goliath Challenges Israelites
(1 Samuel 17:8-10)
"Aroun da throne had twenty-four odda thrones, an twenty-four older leadas sitting on top dem. Dey had white clotheses on, an had da gold kine crown on top dea heads. Outa da throne da lightning was flashing, an thunder making big noise. In front da throne had seven torches dat stay burn real bright, an dass da seven spirits dat come from God."
Revelation / Throne of God
(Revelation 4:4-5)
"Ahoy! Avast ye, ye scurvy lot! I come fer ye, ta pay me respects ta th' LORD. Ye best be preparin' yerselves, an' come wit' me ta th' sacrifice. Jesse an' 'is sons is holy now, an' I be callin' 'em ta th' sacrifice. Arrr! T'was then that thar eyes met, and he be knowin' this be th' Lord's picked one 'fore 'im. Arrrgggh, the LORD said to Samuel, Don't be taken in by his looks or his size, for I've turned me back on 'im. Fer the LORD don't see things the same way a man does. A man looks at what's in the open, but the LORD looks deep within the heart."
Samuel looking for a new king
(1 Samuel 16:5-7)
"Next up the angel downloads footage of a river, clear as crystal glass, flowing from God's throne down the middle of the City's high street. It's the water of life and it's flowing past the tree of life, coming to fruit every month through the year, different crop each time. But it's not jus the fruit: the leaves are picked to heal whole nations. curses are cancelled. God's throne's there, the Lamb's throne's there and his people will work for him. They chat face to face; his logo's on their foreheads. No such thing as night; no need for electricity or sunlight; the Boss projects permanent floodlight power. There's no threat to them running things his way permanently."
Revelation
(Revelation 22:1-5)
"So, since we don't live by the Code, does that mean we can do whatever we want? It don't work that way, cowboy. Don't you know that when ya hired onto an outfit, ya gotta do things the way they do 'em--whether ya hire onto sin's outfit, which leads to death, or ya sign on to ride for the Lord, which leads to life.Thank God that even though ya used to ride for sin's outfit, ya took ahold of the things you've been taugh. Ya don't work for sin no more. Now you're one of the Lord's hands."
Romans 6
(Romans 6:15-18)
"and said, “My lord, if now I have found favor in your sight, please don’t pass over your servant. Now let a little water be brought, so y’all can wash y’all’s feet, and rest under the tree. Let me get a little bit of bread so y’all can refresh y’all’s heart. After that y’all may go y’all’s way, now that y’all have come to y’all’s servant.”
They said, “Very well, do as you have said.”
Abraham feeds 3 visitors
(Genesis 18:3-5)
“God wen get so plenny love an aloha fo da peopo inside da world, dat he wen send me, his one an ony Boy, so dat everybody dat trus me no get cut off from God, but get da real kine life dat stay to da max foeva."
John 3:16