Which paragraph is more efficient
Which paragraph would be more effective?
Paragraph A: College is stressful, with many assignments. Students also have exams, which can be difficult.
Paragraph B: College presents new challenges because students must balance coursework, employment, and personal responsibilities. Developing strong time management skills can make that transition more manageable.
Paragraph B has a clear central idea & explains it rather than simply listing facts.
Identify two ways this affects the writing.
The author, Nailea, uses the word shake five times in one paragraph.
Makes the writing repetitive.
Weakens the author's voice.
What are two ways you could respond to this feedback?
"Be more specific."
Add concrete examples.
Include details or evidence.
Identify two strengths and two weaknesses of this paragraph. Then explain one revision that would make the paragraph more effective.
College students often experience stress during their first semester because they are adjusting to new academic expectations, social environments, and increased independence. Many colleges offer tutoring, counseling, and mentoring programs to help students succeed. These programs are helpful. College is challenging, but students can overcome obstacles.
Strengths (two):
Opens with a clear topic sentence.
Identifies specific challenges first-year students face.
Includes examples of campus resources.
Ideas generally stay on one topic.
Weaknesses two:
"These programs are helpful." is vague.
No explanation of how the programs help students.
The conclusion is generic and doesn't connect back to the paragraph.
The paragraph lacks evidence or an example.
Revision:
Colleges offer tutoring, counseling, and mentoring programs that help students build confidence, improve study habits, and adjust successfully to college life.
What is Andrea's third name in her Mexican passport? (starts with V)
Varela
Why would a professor consider Paragraph B stronger? Identify two writing techniques it uses.
Paragraph A: Volunteering is important because it helps people.
Paragraph B: Volunteering at a local food pantry taught me how communication and teamwork can directly improve the experience of families facing food insecurity.
It includes specific evidence.
It explains the significance of the experience
Why might this become a problem? Give two reasons.
Every sentence in a paragraph begins with "I."
Creates repetitive sentence structure.
Makes the writing less engaging.
What does that likely mean? Give two explanations.
"This paragraph lacks focus."
The paragraph discusses too many ideas.
The topic sentence doesn't match the supporting details.
If you were the professor, write three comments you would leave in the margin to help this student improve their writing.
Volunteering has taught me many lessons. I learned responsibility. I also learned communication. It was a great experience that helped me grow. Everyone should volunteer because it is good.
- Be more specific
- Add evidence or an example
- Explain why this matters
- Strengthen your conclusion
What instrument does Adrian play?
Guitar
What Paragraph create a more compelling argument? Give two reasons.
Paragraph A: Technology affects students in many different ways.
Paragraph B: Although technology provides students with instant access to information, constant notifications can make it difficult to stay focused in class and while studying.
Paragraph B,
It presents a clear claim.
It introduces a set idea instead of making a broad statement
What are two strengths of this sentence?
Many students at Holy Cross struggle academically because they procrastinate, fail to seek help, and often wait until the last minute to complete assignments.
Gives multiple supporting examples.
Clearly explains the relationship between cause and effect.
Why isn't evidence alone enough? Give two reasons.
"This evidence needs explanation."
The reader needs to understand its significance.
It should support the thesis.
Which introduction would likely receive the higher grade in a college writing course? Support your answer with three pieces of evidence from the writing.
Intro A: Climate change affects everyone. There are many causes of climate change. There are also many solutions. This essay will discuss climate change.
Intro B: Although climate change is a global issue, local communities play an essential role in reducing its effects through sustainable transportation, recycling initiatives, and environmental education.
Introduction B
Evidences:
- Presents a focused claim.
- Makes an argument instead of announcing the topic.
- Uses more specific language.
- Gives examples
- Sounds more academic.
- Gives readers direction for the essay.
What is Andrea's favorite movie? (Hint: it's animated and has a character name Manolo)
The Book of Life
Identify two ways this paragraph demonstrates stronger academic writing.
Unlike high school, college requires students to manage their schedules independently while meeting higher academic expectations. As a result, success depends not only on intelligence but also on discipline and organization.
Uses transitions to connect ideas.
Explains cause and effect.
Identify two weaknesses in this paragraph.
Social media has changed communication forever. People communicate differently today. Communication has evolved because of social media.
Repeats the same idea.
Lacks supporting evidence.
Suggest two strategies to improve the transition.
"The transition between these paragraphs feels abrupt."
Add a transition sentence or phrase.
Show how the second paragraph builds on the first.
Without changing the main idea, identify five revisions that would make this paragraph stronger.
Social media is important today. People use it every day. It helps people communicate. It can also cause problems. Social media has changed society.
- Write a stronger topic sentence.
- Combine short sentences.
- Add evidence or examples.
- Explain ideas.
- Improve the conclusion.
What is Adrian's favorite burger spot in Worcester? (Near Holy Cross)
Wayback Burger
If you were the professor, what two revisions would most improve this paragraph?
Community service benefits both volunteers and the people they serve. Many students volunteer because it looks good on applications. Service can also build leadership skills and strengthen connections within a community. Volunteering is important.
Add a stronger concluding sentence.
Improve organization by connecting the ideas more logically.
What are two things the professor is asking the writer to do?
The Professor writes in feedback, "Your ideas are interesting, but your analysis needs to go deeper."
Explain why the evidence matters.
Connect the evidence back to the main argument.
What are two ways to strengthen the conclusion?
"Your conclusion summarizes your paper but doesn't leave the reader with anything to think about."
Explain the broader significance.
End with a memorable insight or implication.
Imagine you are grading this paragraph as a college professor. Write one strength, identify three weaknesses, and explain how you would revise the conclusion so it leaves a stronger impression on the reader.
Research shows that sleep is essential for academic success. Students who consistently get enough sleep often perform better on exams, retain information more effectively, and report lower stress levels. However, many college students sacrifice sleep to complete assignments or participate in extracurricular activities. Sleep is important for students.
Strength 1:
- Strong topic sentence.
- Includes supporting evidence.
- Stays focused on one idea.
- Uses logical organization.
Three Weaknesses
- The conclusion is too generic.
- Doesn't explain why students ignore the research.
- No statistics or source for the research.
- Doesn't connect the final sentence back to academic success.
- Doesn't discuss long-term consequences.
Professor Liew, favorite NFL team
New Orleans Saint