Chapter 9
If you buy your friend's lunch one day while they wait on their paycheck, then your friend is benefitting from this kind of relationship reward.
What is material reward?
With the exception of "friends with benefits," friendships are typically this, meaning there are not romantic or sexual elements in the relationship.
What is platonic?
Of the three dimensions of interpersonal conflict, this has to do with what seems to be causing the conflict.
What is the content dimension?
This behavior might help you identify when someone's deceiving you...but only if that someone is a small child, not an adult.
What is eye contact?
When relationships start to deteriorate, some of the things you used to love about your partner might become completely annoying to you, indicating this relationship stage.
What is differentiating?
Before we begin a relationship with someone, we must first be attracted to them. If you find yourself drawn to a classmate's fun and playful personality, then that would be indicative of this kind of attraction.
What is social attraction?
A typical Hollywood romance film may follow two friends through their separate, poor romantic relationships while they lean on one another to meet their sexual needs. Then, it surprises viewers with a plot twist that the two friends themselves end up falling in love with one another instead. This would classify as this kind of friends-with-benefits relationship.
What are successful transition pairs or unintentional transition pairs?
*What else would we need to know?
This kind of conflict isn't so much about a particular issue so much as being about a criticism of or conflict about how the conflict is being handled. For instance, we started arguing about finances, but we ended up arguing about how one person "always 'plays the victim.'"
What is metaconflict?
They say this may be more reliable as an indicator of deception than other nonverbal cues like movement or eye behavior.
What is vocal pitch?
Dee and Josie are in a heated conflict when Josie begins to add to the list of grievances she has with Dee, stating things like, "And on top of this, you haven't done anything around the house in the last week and you've gotten off work early every day! Not to mention..."
This behavior is an ineffective and unhelpful way to engage in conflict.
What is 'gunnysacking'?
Jax and Mary are having a difficult time planning their weekends because Jax prefers to stay in town and hang out around the house, but Mary prefers trying out new brunch spots and different festivals. They are experiencing this dialectical tension.
What is Predictability versus Novelty?
These kinds of couples discuss their issues openly, but they often do so competitively instead of cooperatively.
What are volatile couples?
You might accept the influence someone has over your financial decision-making if you believe they are a qualified financial planner, meaning that, in this context, they have this kind of power.
What is expert power?
The stakes of lies vary, but most of us engage in what are known as "white lies" relatively frequently. White lies are these kind of stakes.
What are low stakes?
Families can be understood through genetic ties and legal obligations, but many families are simply understood through these instead.
What are role behaviors?
Part of the reason Sam and Willow got married is because they care deeply about their connections to their own families. However, because they both strongly desire to spend the holidays with their own families, this also creates a tension in their relationship.
To solve it, they engage in this way of managing the tension, wherein they spend half the day with Sam's family and half the day with Willows family.
They are each giving up the full family holiday experience but are still trying to appease each of their desires somewhat.
What is balance?
In families, the one with this role in a conflict might ignore their own frustrations and issues because they want to maintain some kind of harmony, even the cost of freely expressing themselves.
Who is the placater?
Pulling out your phone during an argument and refusing to listen or engage.
This is one way that will be unhelpful - perhaps even harmful - when you and someone close to you are in conflict.
What is stonewalling?
I may tell my new co-worker who I like that I really enjoy making pottery, even though I have only done it a handful of times, just as an excuse to hang out with her outside of work.
After my co-worker mentioned she loved it and went to a studio twice a week, I lied in this way when I said, "Oh, I love it, too! I don't go twice a week - usually only a couple times a month - but we should go sometime!"
What is exaggeration?
*What am I exaggerating about?
You FaceTime your friend to see if they want to grab dinner with you later, but they say they have to stay in tonight and study.
However, you notice they have fresh curls in their hair and what looks like fresh make-up on.
You're picking up on these in term of detecting deception.
What are information inconsistencies?
Even when you've been in a relationship a while and the other person knows that you love them and that they mean so much to you, it's still good to tell them. This is one part of the SOAPS relational maintenance behaviors.
What are assurances?
In one family, there is a general expectation that all members are going to share openly about their interests, experiences, and plans. However, there is no real expectation that they should conform to one another. This kind of family is described as this.
What is pluralistic?
Relationship partners with this kind of power dynamic are most likely going to use the same kinds of messages (like 'one-up' and 'one-up' or 'one-down' and 'one-down').
What are symmetrical relationships?
We're more likely to fail in detecting deception with people closest to us because we have this kind of bias.
What is truth bias?
This kind of effect refers to the notion that we have the "tendency to say or do things in one environment (such as online) that one would not say or do in most other environments."
What is the disinhibition effect?