Babies Across History
Born and swaddled in a manger circa 4 BCE, visited by three astrologers bearing wildly impractical gifts.
Who is Baby Jesus?
A starchy root vegetable that is smooth and bald after preparation, that bears an unsettling resemblance to a small, weird human head.
What is a potato?
A sticky golden pantry staple that's safe for tea, toast, and open wounds, but capable of causing infant botulism in anyone under 1 year of age.
What is honey?
A 2016 children's song dating back to the 20th century that originally involved sharks eating sailors or humans, that eventually became one of YouTube's most-watched videos.
What is Baby Shark?
This tiny version of a human has a giant weird head and no concept of object permanence.
What is a baby?
This British baby's 56-second video of biting his older brother's finger became one of YouTube's most-watched clips of the 2000s, and was later sold as an NFT for $760,000 to someone who definitely doesn't regret it.
Who is Charlie (from Charlie Bit My Finger)?
A 1982 Spielberg alien with a giant bald head, sparse vocabulary, and a complicated relationship with bicycles, but who is technically an adult.
What is E.T.?
A wheeled device, banned in Canada since 2004, that allows babies to roll toward stairs, hot stoves, and open in-ground pool faster than they otherwise could.
What is a baby walker?
The United States is the only wealthy nation that doesn't federally mandate paid time off for this major life event.
What is maternity leave?
The daily practice of placing a baby on its stomach to build neck strength, develop motor skills, and feel betrayed for the first time.
What is tummy time?
This animated character has been one year old since 1989, communicates exclusively through pacifier sucking and once shot a man with a revolver.
Who is Maggie Simpson?
A bald, pale, noseless villain who terrorizes a school for I guess wizards or something, widely understood to be a legally distinct Dracula and, despite appearances, a full-grown adult man.
Who is Voldemort?
A nocturnal Transylvanian aristocrat with documented hostility toward small humans, an aversion to sunlight, and an unusually prominent role throughout this Jeopardy game.
Who is Dracula?
A mythological figure who paid American children approximately $6 per baby tooth in recent years, second only to Dracula in tooth-related transactions.
Who is the tooth fairy?
The 5-to-7 PM window when newborns cry constantly, refuse to stop, and somehow know you are just trying to watch the new Dracula.
What is "the witching hour?"
This British royal, born in 2013, was photographed leaving St. Mary's Hospital within hours of his birth wearing a knit cap, management responsibility, and strong earning potential.
Who is Prince George?
A bald, pale baking mascot, born from a cardboard tube in 1965 in Fergus Falls, Minnesota, who wears no pants, giggles when poked in the stomach, and qualifies as neither a baby nor a food object.
What is the Pillsbury Doughboy?
An additional infant which, while medically permissible, is widely regarded as inadvisable by anyone currently raising one.
What is a second baby?
These 1980s dolls did not come with receipts, only adoption papers, because the company insisted you could not return them, only adopt them out.
What are Cabbage Patch Kids?
When a non-pregnant partner experiences pregnant symptoms like weight gain or taking naps or sneaking out of bed at night to watch the new Dracula.
What is couvade syndrome?
This future Roman emperor was nicknamed "Little Boots" as a baby for the miniature soldier sandals he wore around army camps, before growing up to become the most unhinged emperor in Roman history, predating Dracula by approximately 1,400 years.
Who is Caligula?
A pink, hairless, subterranean rodent native to East Africa, often described as resembling a baby who has done hard time for robbing a liquor store.
What is a mole rat?
A movie by this director is structurally unsafe for babies due to ambient dread, unexplained imagery, and the implication that something is always behind the diner.
What is a David Lynch film?
This 2017 animated film about a suit-wearing infant voiced by Alec Baldwin, who was originally considered to play Dracula in the completely unrelated 1992 Francis Ford Coppola movie, somehow grossed over $500 million worldwide.
What is The Boss Baby?
A social ritual where friends and loved ones give a pregnant person the emotional and material support needed for a baby that's going to happen.
What is a baby shower?