Gottman & Gottman
What are the 3 phases in the specialized treatment Gottman theory uses when working with infidelity?
Pg. 173
Atonement, Attunement, Attachment
Pitfall #1:
Why should counselors consider infidelity may mean different things to different people?
Some infidelity may spell the end to a relationship, whereas others may invite the couple to explore a deeper intimacy.
Many couples discovered that when they forgave....
Pg. 1507Their negative feelings toward their partner were not automatically replaced by positive feelings and that they did not forget the injury.
How does the therapist support the betrayed partner and the betrayer during the Atonement phase?
Pgs. 174 -175
The therapist supports the betrayed spouse to express their emotions directly to the other partner, with limits.
The therapist can give the speaker emotion-focused words to substitute for words of attack - "I'm so enraged...or anguished, hurt, devastated, etc."
It's crucial for the therapist to empathize with the betrayer. This supports them while listening to the intense emotions of the betrayed partner.
Pitfall #2:
What are the 2 common fallacies/deficits inexperienced couples counselors can experience?
"Fallacy of remaining too shallow." - Therapist is unwilling to deepen the discussion or delve into the strong emotions that are present. The couple cannot experience the deeper emotions affected by the infidelity or the attachment needs that are present.
"Fallacy of missing the obvious." - Either too quick to buy into the explanation of the infidelity or to buy into their own beliefs and this limits the conceptualization of the couples' issues.
For relationships to thrive, it was found through counseling...
Pg. 1507
The informants had to give clear expression of their wants and needs.
What arises at the beginning of the Attunement phase?
Pg. 176
The partners often describe how somehow a cold desert sprung up between them that they didn't know how to fix and it left both of them feeling desolate and lonely. Trust eroded, the relationship became less and less safe. Intimacy, both emotional and physical, eventually vanished. Finally the affair, the worst blow of all.
Pitfall #3:
What are some strategies a couples counselor can utilize to move past their own issues and become more effective when working with infidelity?
Supervision
Self-reflection
Personal therapy
When managing memories, which phrases did couples find helpful to avoid?
Pg. 1508
"If only"
"What if"
"If you only hadn't"
What is discussed during the Attachment phase?
Pg. 178
A return to physical intimacy
Sexual preferences and nuances
Exploring creating their own unique world now
Consequences of any future betrayals
What are some pitfalls therapists fall into?
Disclosing the affair without warning
Viewing all affairs the same
Allowing countertransference to interfere
Viewing the affair vs. the state of the relationship as the sole issue
Ignoring what is being communicated through the affair itself
How can some couples change couple dynamics and repair "broken down walls?"
Pg. 1510
Making commitment emotionally prior to sexually.
Using some type of ritual - renewing wedding vows, having another child