Heart Condition
This is the term Arbinger uses for a way of seeing and treating others as fully human, rather than as objects.
What is a heart at peace?
This diagram introduced by Yusuf shows that influencing others involves more than simply correcting their mistakes.
What is the influence Pyramid?
This is what happens when we see another person as a human being with needs, hopes, fears and concerns similar to our own.
What is seeing someone as a person?
Avi tells a story involving this household chore to illustrate how conflict can continue even after someone agrees to do what the other person wants.
What is mowing/edging the lawn?
Yusuf challenges people in conflict to consider that they may be this-even when they believe they are completely correct.
What is wrong?
This is the condition in which our view of another person becomes distorted by thoughts and feelings.
What is self-betrayal?
According to the pyramid, this should occupy a much larger part of our efforts than dealing with things that are going wrong.
What is helping things go right?
When we see someone as an "object," we are more likely to focus on this instead of the person's humanity.
What are their faults, Irrelevancies, or usefulness to us?
Simply changing our outward behavior may fail to solve a conflict when this underlying condition remains unchanged.
What is our way of being / our heart?
According to the book, being correct about the issue does not guarantee that we are doing this correctly.
What is handling the relationship or conflict the right way?
This is what Arbinger says can cloud our judgment, limit our ability to understand others, and contribute to conflict.
What is a heart at war?
Parents who spend all their time doing this may discover that their attempts to change their children aren't producing lasting results.
What is correcting?
Avi uses this leader and this group in the history of Jerusalem to illustrate the difference between treating people humanely and treating them as objects.
Who is Saladin and the Crusaders?
When people in conflict recruit others to agree with their version of the story, they can create these, which reinforces the conflict.
What are allies or alliances?
This quality allows a person to consider another perspective instead of becoming completely invested in proving himself or herself right.
What is humility/open-mindedness?
Avi contrasts treating people as human beings with treating them this way.
What is an object? or What is an obstacle? or What is a thing?
The pyramid suggests that building relationships and helping things go right can reduce the need for this.
What is correction?
This phrase is used when we self-betray and start irrationally justifying our behavior by horribilizing those around us.
What is "Being in the Box"?
Conflict can cause us to exaggerate the negative characteristics of the other person and reduce them to these simplified identities.
What are labels, generalities or stereotypes.
Yusuf tells Lou that the more certain a person becomes that he is right, the more likely this can happen.
What is being wrong/becoming mistaken or unable to see one's own errors?
Martin Buber's distinction between "I-Thou" and "I-It" helps illustrate this central distinction in the book.
What is seeing people as people rather than objects?
According to Yusuf, this underlying condition can affect our decisions, our ability to understand others, and how others respond to us.
What is our way of being/or having a heart at peace?
The deeper lesson behind the story of Saladin is that how we see people can influence this -even when we strongly disagree with them.
What is how we treat them?
The book uses historical and family conflicts to illustrate how grievances can continue across these.
What are generations?
In the book, this way of approaching a disagreement involves trying to understand the other person’s experience rather than simply trying to win the argument.
What is listening with curiosity?