Communication & Relationships

Boundaries

100

Saying what YOU are going to do in response to a behavior.

A real boundary

200

"Here is some money to buy whatever you want."

Saying yes b/c you're too nervous to say no.

Using "soft" behaviors to avoid one's own discomfort.

Selfish intention with a "soft behavior"

300

• Fear: Afraid of being seen as selfish, losing a relationship, or triggering conflict.
• Guilt & Obligation: Feeling responsible for others' happiness or feelings.
• Lack of Practice/Skills: Not knowing how to be assertive or failing to recognize one's own needs.
• Enmeshed Relationships: Having very close, codependent relationships where individual needs are unclear.

Reasons why it is hard to set boundaries. 

400

Give 4 out of 5 common boundaries that are difficult to set...

• Emotional Boundaries: Protecting your mental space from others' crises, invalidation, or needing to justify your feelings.
• Time and Energy Limits: Saying "no" to tasks, reducing availability to please others, or stopping over-functioning.
• Physical/Personal Space: Setting limits on touch, intimacy, or unwanted physical presence.
• Communication Limits: Demanding respect, such as asking someone not to shout, interrupting, or contacting you at inappropriate times.
• Financial Limits: Saying "no" to lending money or sharing resources.

500

Give 5 out of 6 things healthy boundaries include...

• Saying “no” + accepting someone saying “no”
• Communication à  wants + needs
• Respecting other’s values, beliefs, & opinions even if they are different
• Disclosing info when appropriate – don’t overshare
• Flexibility w/out compromising yourself in an unhealthy way
• Use “I” statements 

Unhealthy v. Healthy

100

Finish the sentence...

Just because something has always been done a certain way...

Just because something has always been done a certain way, doesn’t mean it’s healthy.

200

Here are a list of things that may happen when you start healing…give me an example of 2 of them.

• The scapegoat role
• The guilt trip
• The gaslighting
• The minimization

• The scapegoat role: You might be labeled as “the problem” for bringing up issues.
• The guilt trip: "After everything we did for you, this is how you treat us?"
• The gaslighting: "That never happened. You're making things up."
• The minimization: "You're too emotional. You take everything so personally."

300

Accept That Some People Won’t Understand (And That’s Okay)

Set Boundaries Without Guilt

Process your own emotions (so you don’t pass them down)

Find Your “Chosen Family”

How to heal respectfully

400

• Emotional repression – “We don’t talk about feelings.”
• Hyper-independence – “You don’t need help. Figure it out.”
• Fear-based mindset – “Do what I say, or else.”
• Financial scarcity mindset – “Money doesn’t come easy. Work yourself to death.”
• Dysfunctional relationship – “That’s just how love is – get over it.”
• Silence around abuse & addiction – “That never happened. Stop making a big deal about it.”

List of beliefs/trauma that are passed down from our families.

500

List 5 common Red Flags we went over…

• Controlling behavior
• Jealousy or distrust
• Going through someone’s phone w/out asking,
• Accusing someone of flirting with others
• Criticizing or disrespecting their friend or partner
• Ignoring emotional needs
• Gaslighting
• Love bombing (giving friend/partner excessive attention or affection)
• Making their friend or partner feel sad, anxious, guilty, or otherwise upset

4 Horseman

100

What are the 4 horsemen and their antidotes?

Criticism v. Gentle Start Up

Contempt v. Share & Fondness
Defensiveness v. Take Responsibility
Stone-Walling v. Self-Soothing

200

Give me an example of defensiveness?

Making excuses

Disagreeing & then shifting the blame

Yes-But

Repeating yourself w/out paying attention to what the other person is saying

Whining “it’s not fair”

300

Give me an example of a “gentle start up”.

“I feel frustrated when dirty dishes are left in the sink. Could you please do the dishes tonight?”

• Focus on the problem, not the person in a collaborative way
• Make specific complaints/requests à “when ___ happened, I felt ____,  I want ___ )
• Appropriate time + appropriate body language/tone + “I” statements

400

Give me an example of “taking responsibility?”

• Own up to your behavior w/out blaming others
• Re-write inner script
• Avoid taking feedback personally + opportunity to improve + show remorse/apologize

500

Why is it harmful to “stonewall"

• May seem “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, being cold/distant, separation, silent treatment
• Underlying problems go unsolved
• Refusing to respond

Communication

100

Prioritizing others' approval and avoiding conflict (niceness) often leads to being disrespected, unfulfilled, and lonely, rather than loved.

Paradox of being nice?

200

What kind of communication style is this?

“I lose, you lose.” + low consideration for others, low openness of communication

Passive-Aggressive 

300

Description of what you might be doing

- Focused on the speaker
- Listening carefully to understand the emotions + real meaning
- Seeking to understand, rather than to be understood

Your mindset
- Mindset of putting your own needs temporarily to one side to truly understand the perspective of the other person

Empathetic listening

400

List 4 ways to be a good listener...

• Maintains appropriate “eye contact” 
• Gives full attention 
• Repeats or rephrases what he or she heart to be sure of understanding
• Encourages further response

500

culture
beliefs
values
attitudes
experiences
interests
biases

Individual listening filters

Repairing Relationship

100

• Don’t use the word “but”
• Focusing on what the other person did
• Frustrated/annoyed body language/tone
• Getting mad if your apology isn’t accepted immediately

4 things an apology SHOULDN'T include

200

• Reflect on actions + take responsibility + acknowledge the offense
• Identify the mistake + explain NOT excuse
• Express remorse + make the person feel cared for
• Offer to make amends + improve things in the future

4 things an apology should include

300

• Don’t want to be a burden 
• Don’t want to be seen as vulnerable à vulnerability is a strength b/c it takes true strength to tell other people you need help
• Assumptions à let people decide for themselves

Reasons to why it is hard to ask for help

400

current state of mind

your relationship with the person

past experiences

emotional IQ

Why it is hard to accept feedback

500

Give 4 out of 5 differences between feedback & criticism.

Criticism is focused on what we don’t want; feedback is focused on what we want.

Criticism is focused on the past; feedback is focused on the future.

Criticism is focused on weakness; feedback helps to build up strengths.

Criticism deflates; feedback inspires.

Criticism says, “You are the problem.” Feedback says, “We can make this better.”