4 Horsemen
Saying "You always forget to do the dishes, you're totally lazy" instead of talking about a specific mess is an example of this first horseman.
What is criticism?
Time, health, social desirability, trust are examples of this area of intimacy.
What is safety of commitment?
This term describes how two people's nervous systems work together to restore a sense of safety and calm.
What is co-regulation?
This ritual or action before leaving for the day keeps couples feeling close.
What is parting rituals (e.g., goodbye kiss or daily schedule update/check-in)?
This type of opening statement focuses on speaking from your own perspective instead of pointing fingers with "you" statements.
What is an "I" statement?
Eye-rolling, mocking, sarcasm, and name-calling fall under this second horseman, which is the single greatest predictor of divorce.
What is contempt?
Interdependence, balanced-respectful-partnered division of shared life duties are examples of this area of intimacy.
What is mutuality?
This physical touch practice held continuously for 20 seconds helps release oxytocin and lower stress.
What is a long hug?
Holding hands, hugging, or a gentle touch on the arm are examples of this non-verbal connection ritual.
What is affection rituals (e.g., physical touch or physical affection)?
This physiological pause requires a couple to stop a heated argument, step away for 20 minutes, and calm their nervous systems.
What is taking a time out or break?
Making excuses or acting like an innocent victim when your partner brings up a valid concern is this third horseman.
What is defensiveness?
Care towards each other, how interested you are in them, showing admiration and positive regard are examples of this area of intimacy.
What is emotional intimacy?
This adjustment in vocal delivery during an argument helps signal safety instead of a threat.
What is dropping your pitch and slowing down your speech?
Saying "thank you" for the small things your partner does builds this positive feeling daily.
What is appreciation rituals (e.g., expressing gratitude or appreciation)?
Using absolute words like "always" or "never" when confronting a partner.
What is generalizations?
When one partner completely tunes out, stops responding, and acts like a literal wall during an argument, they are doing this fourth horseman.
What is stonewalling?
Shared values, opinions on each other's habits, how we intellectually perceive them, politics, child rearing respect are examples of this type of intimacy.
What is cognitive intimacy?
This technique involves matching each other’s natural breathing patterns while sitting back-to-back.
What is partner breathing or breathwork?
Setting aside dedicated, uninterrupted time to focus on each other away from daily chores.
What is date night (e.g., intentional, thoughtful dating)?
Fully focusing on your partner without interrupting, planning your rebuttal, or rolling your eyes.
What is active listening?
The specific "antidote" recommended by researchers to counter the dangerous effects of contempt in a couple's daily life.
What is building a culture of appreciation (or fondness and admiration)?
Closeness, sexual health, secret languages, and physical touch are examples of this type of intimacy.
What is physical intimacy?
This state happens when one partner's nervous system is too overwhelmed, making co-regulation impossible until a break occurs.
What is emotional flooding?
Paying full attention and making eye contact when your partner comes home is part of this first daily ritual.
What is greeting rituals (e.g., attunement in greetings, processing feelings of the day, and/or "how was your day" 20 minute discussions)?
This Gottman-approved action is a small peace offering sent during a disagreement to lower tension before an argument gets out of hand.
What is repair attempts?