Get Unstuck
Start With Heart/ Learn to Look
Make It Safe
Stories
STATE/Explore
100
A conversation is crucial when these three elements are present.
What are Opposing Opinions, High Stakes, and Strong Emotions
100
The first thing to degrade during crucial conversations is not our behavior (that comes second), it is this:
What is motive
100
If you can do this, you can talk to almost anyone about almost anything.
What is Make It Safe
100
Our emotions are created by our:
What are Stories
100
the STATE acryonym stands for:
What is Share my facts Tell my story Ask for other's paths Talk tentatively Encourage testing
200
This is defined as the free flow of meaning between two or more people.
What is Dialogue
200
If you are asking yourself if you should be honest OR kind, speak up OR show loyalty, or tell someone the truth OR hurt their feelings, you have made this:
What is a Sucker's Choice
200
People never become defensive about what you're saying (content). People become defensive about this:
What is your Intent.
200
Stories include judgments, conclusions and attributions about these:
What are Facts.
200
We begin our crucial conversations with facts because:
What is facts are more persuasive and the least insulting.
300
These two choices are what we call "bad alternatives," and often keep us from dialogue.
What is Silence and Violence
300
These are the healthy goals of dialogue (must get at least two):
Learn Find the truth Produce results Strengthen relationships
300
I care about what you care about, and vice versa (this is the entrance condition of dialogue)
What is Mutual Purpose
300
These are three "clever" stories we tell ourselves to help us feel good about getting bad results (sell-outs):
Victim Villain Helpless
300
This is why we tell our story, even if it's not very flattering:
What is Because facts alone don't always paint the whole picture.
400
This lies at the center of dialogue, and our model:
The Pool of Shared Meaning
400
This behavior, which involves using sarcasm, sugarcoating, or couching in order to mask my real meaning, is a form of what?
What is Silence (the behavior is called Masking)
400
These are the three skills we use to step out of the content and rebuild safety:
Apologize Contrast Create Mutual Purpose (Stop, Ask, Agree, Brainstorm)
400
When I tell myself this story, I make myself out to be an innocent sufferer, and I'm not acknowledging my role in the problem
What is a Victim story
400
These are the four power-listening skills you can use when someone goes to Silence or Violence and you want to help them retrace their Path to Action
Ask Mirror Paraphrase Prime
500
The Law of Crucial Conversation states that anytime you find yourself stuck, these are keeping you there:
Crucial conversations you're either not holding, or not holding well.
500
These are the three forms of Violence
What are Controlling, Labeling, and Attacking
500
You approach your coworker to discuss the fact that he failed to meet his part of the project, due yesterday. When you bring it up, he replies, "Listen, I know you're running the project, but you're not my boss - I've got a lot of other pressing priorities right now, what makes your project so special?" You realize he's misunderstood your intent, and respond with this Contrasting statement:
What is "I don't want you to think I believe my project is special or more important than the work you're also doing. I do want to find a way to make sure we're able to meet our commitments to the project team and our stakeholders." (Variations on this example will be accepted.)
500
I can "tell the rest of the story," or get out of the Helpless story I'm telling myself, by asking this question:
What is "What will I do now to get to what I really want?"
500
While talking with Jane, you hear her say, "No, it's okay, everything is fine," but while saying this, you notice she's shrugging her shoulders, avoiding eye contact, and speaking with a tone of resignation. An appropriate mirroring statement would be:
What is "Jane, you say everything is fine, but from your tone of voice and expression, I'm wondering if maybe something really is bothering you?" (Variations on this will be accepted.)
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