Causes
true or false: Codependency is a learned behavior.
True!
Early on, codependent behaviors can be necessary for survival. In adulthood, the behaviors are not as adaptive. In fact, codependency can prevent a person from developing truly stable relationships. But healthier ways of functioning within relationships can be relearned!
In your own words, how would you define codependency?
a dysfunctional relationship with self, characterized by living through or for another, attempts to control others, fix others, blame others
What does fear of abandonment mean?
People w/ codependency often seek approval from others by being lovable/competent/perfect and tend to feel other's problems are their fault and pursue approval from others.
What are personal boundaries?
Why do people with codependency often struggle with communication?
There is often a difficulty with communicating their thoughts, feelings, and needs. Sometimes they are not able to "own up to their truth" because they don't want to upset someone.
What is a dysfunctional family?
A family that does not meet the emotional needs of family members. These families typically do not acknowledge problems exist, don't express feelings, lack of trust, lack of attention on children, children having to sacrifice their needs for other family members, etc.
Options:
How can one increase their sense of self-worth?
how you perceive yourself and talk to yourself becomes a reality, focus on building self-love (treat yourself with care/compassion), trust your feelings, spend time self-reflecting (look at your strengths), don't give other people's opinions of you power, tell yourself that you matter, seize opportunities as they come your way, value yourself and your time
Name two reasons someone may have a difficult time setting boundaries in relationships.
never taught how to set healthy ones, low self esteem and self-worth, don't consider oneself worthy to be recognized, do not believe we deserve to be treated well, don't know own needs/wants; don't believe we have a right to assert ourselves, don't know how to say no, fear of rejection, fear we will anger/displease others, fear of appearing selfish
What is nonverbal communication?
These are the messages we send with our body and within the broader setting
eye contact, how we are sitting/standing, how we are crossing our arms, facial expressions
silence within communication, various actions/gestures, proximity
Aside from growing up in dysfunctional families, what are other possible causes of codependency?
Unhealthy/abusive relationships in adulthood, relationships rooted within addiction.
What does "people pleaser" mean?
Someone who wants those around them to be happy and will do whatever it takes to keep it that way, often at the expense of themselves. They tend to put others before themselves.
What does denial mean in relation to codependency?
a common problem with codependency people often face is being in denial about codependent behaviors (difficulty identifying feelings, minimizing feelings, lacking empathy, labeling others with own negative traits, masking pain, express negativity in passive ways, etc.)
What is an emotional boundary?
Healthy emotional boundaries separate and distinguish our emotions and responsibilities from others. You avoid taking on other people's feelings for them or make yourself responsible for their emotional state. You don't give unsolicited advice or try to make someone feel better/fix them. You are responsible only for yourself!
1.Passive (don't assert/express self)
2. Aggressive (express self but dominate others)
3. Passive-Aggressive (appear passive on the surface but are acting out anger in indirect/subtle ways)
4. Assertive!
What is the "enabler role" within a dysfunctional family?
This is one of the stronger dysfunctional family roles. It is the care taker and protector. They try to fix the problem and feel the household will fall apart without their help. They often deny their own needs, try to avoid conflict, have strong feelings of guilt.
Name two strategies that can be used to stop being a people-pleaser.
realize you have a choice; set your priorities; stall when someone asks for a favor; set a time limit if helping someone; consider if you are being manipulated; create a mantra; say no with conviction; don't give excuses for saying no; ask yourself if it is worth it to do an asked favor for another person; don't apologize for saying no; set clear boundaries
How does control and codependency go hand in hand?
Control is common within codependency-attempts to control oneself and/or others. Because people with codependency often lack a sense of power, they tend to focus externally on others to make others feel better... "I'll change them and that will make me happy"
What are the four steps to setting boundaries?
1. set internal boundaries (know what we want/need, be aware of our feelings)
2. set the boundary (be clear, state assertively, maintain it)
3. commit and persevere (communicate consequences if boundary is not respected)
4. assert your right
What is assertive communication?
When an individual clearly states their opinions and feelings and advocate for their needs. They express themselves clearly and use "I" statements. They listen and communicate respect for others.
What is the "family hero" role within a dysfunctional family?
This role is about trying to make the family look good and try to be the respectable kids, and "do the right things," often at the cost of themselves. They try to not make waves and try to go good in all areas. This role is often when kids take over parent roles and try to be responsible and self-sufficient.
How does trust and codependency go hand in hand?
Building trust means sharing feelings/thoughts (and taking the risk to be open/vulnerable), self-acceptance, be true to yourself and trust your instincts, letting go of fear (rejection/being hurt/etc)
How does perfectionism and codependency go hand in hand?
Perfectionists are driven by fear of failure and feel the need to avoid making mistakes. This can be seen within behaviors with codependency if constantly trying to fix others/relationships and seeing it as a failure if this does not work.
Give an example of a consequence you can place if someone is not respecting your boundaries.
i.e. I am not comfortable with you talking to me that way. If you continue to raise your voice at me, then I will be ending the conversation.
Give an example of a poor communication pattern.
blaming, threatening, bribing, not saying what you mean, being indirect about what you need/want, try to say what you think will please someone, will not say "no", talk about others and avoid talking about yourself, say everything if your fault, lie, difficulty being assertive, difficulty expressing emotions, over-apologizing