Bad Plot Summaries Of Things I Rewatched During Quarantine
Brad Pitt eats a lot while Andy Garcia over-acts menacingly
Gone are the days of Freddie Bathrooms standing on the sidelines, straining to make the right play call as his team grunted its way through another constipated possession.
This wonder-teen moved from Borussia Dortmund to Chelsea during my first real week at the old site
Christian Pulisic
This throwback singer both famously dated a cop recently and moonlights as a masked luchador
Lana Del Rey Mysterio Jr.
You have to escape from The Rock with Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage
California (Alcatraz)
We find out who will get a kiss from Daddy
Succession
A growing portion of shows do not even aim to be “liked” or “admired” purely as viewing experiences, as pieces of filmmaking or storytelling, but rather aim to be metabolized into Discourse in the form of gifs and blogs and tweets about how annoying or exhausting you find them
Bert
Hyped up to be the American Pele, this former teen star now plays in Sweden and hasn't seen a USMNT call-up since 2011
Freddy Adu
This over-worked musician both drummed for Queen and released two folk-pop albums this year
Roger Taylor Swift
You decided, for some reason, to visit the fancy house of the third President
Virginia (Monticello)
They weren't actually dead the whole time, you fools
LOST
Do not be like these fools. Humanity has evolved to the point that you now have an advanced, exact little hourglass accessible from the palm of your hand in all of your waking moments.
Lauren
This Texan attacker scored a ludicrous outside-the-box chip for Fulham to help beat Juventus in the 2010 Europa League
Clint Dempsey
This boomer musician both sang "Immigrant Song" and developed a mobile game where flora fights the undead
Robert Plants vs. Zombies
You are checking out a memorial honoring the first flight at the incredibly named Kill Devil Hills
North Carolina (Wright Brothers National Memorial)
Kuzma fails to be inevitable
Avengers: Endgame
Meanwhile, tacos are made, dunks are pretended, family members die, F-grades loom. Through it all, we are reminded time and again of that foundational truth: “I am athletic and awesome.”
Giri
This Guy scored the USMNT's only goal in the 2014 World Cup round of 16
Julian Green
This former Eagles cornerback also cut off his own left ear. Wild.
Troy Vincent van Gogh
You're checking out a well-preserved Pueblo ruin named after the most famous Aztec emperor
Arizona (Montezuma Castle)
Emma Thompson smokes cigarettes and almost accidentally kills Will Ferrell
Stranger Than Fiction
The Rockets have blown everything up around Harden, and the only thing left for them to do is extract enough dynamite from another team to finish the job.
Ray
The USMNT's most-capped player ever now does stuff with PragerU, for some reason
Cobi Jones
This weenie musician has also thrown for nearly 3,000 yards this season for an AFC North contender
Julien Baker Mayfield
You're visiting the St. Louis Cathedral (hint: it's not Missouri)
Louisiana (St. Louis Cathedral)