Learning from our Emotions
What is the difference between shame and guilt?
Guilt is "I did something bad".
Shame is "I am bad".
Shame is a part of our identity whereas guilt is something we can more simply let go of.
List your three favorite coping skills!
Tight.
What is the difference between primary and secondary emotions? primary emotions are emotions
Primary emotions tend to be our more vulnerable emotions. Secondary emotions tend to be stronger, more self-protective emotions.
Scenario: Person A's roommate didn't do the dishes.
Rules: Person A must use an 'I feel (emotion)' statement at least twice.
Wow! Fun!
Think of a situation from the past where you felt overwhelmed with a lot of emotions. Briefly describe the situation and identify the primary and secondary emotions you were feeling at the time.
I appreciate your vulnerability.
What message does fear send us? And what does fear typically propel us to do?
Fear tells us that something is dangerous, something is a threat, or that we should be apprehensive of a situation. It typically propels us to avoid or run away.
What is the maladaptive function of shame (what does shame lead to if left unchecked)?
Self-loathing
Why do secondary emotions exist?
They are protective due to fears of vulnerability. They are a learned response to cover up sensitive emotions with a less sensitive emotion.
Scenario: Person A wants Person B to initiate plans more instead of always waiting for them to reach out.
Rules:
- Person A must use an 'I feel (emotion)' statement at least twice.
- Person A must also inform them of their underlying need.
Radical!
What are your most common maladaptive coping urges as a result of overwhelming emotions? What are some adaptive coping skills that can replace these unhelpful behaviors?
Rock n' Roll my dude.
When we are feeling sadness, what need is being communicated to us? We have a need for _____.
Healing, recovery, connection, etc.
What are coping skills actually intended to do? What are some common misconceptions about this?
What gets in the way of me using healthier coping strategies?
Coping skills are intended to help you gain back a sense of control over your emotions by changing how you respond to them, thus regulating your anxiety and nervous system. Commonly, people expect to feel better, or have their unpleasant emotions go away. In reality, coping skills don't eliminate emotions, just help us to communicate with and understand them.
Hmm, yes, indeed.
How can an over-reliance on secondary emotions hurt us in the long-run?
They tend to hurt us by ruining relationships, keeping our guard up, or keeping our heart walled off and that often leads people to feel angry, numb, exhausted, and lonely.
Scenario: Person A wants Person B to let them finish speaking before responding.
Rules:
- Person A must use an 'I feel (emotion)' statement at least twice.
- Person A must also inform Person B of their underlying need.
- Both Person A AND Person B must use an 'I feel' statement at least twice.
Woah! Bro! Nice!
Pick a cognitive distortion. State a thought that you've had in the past that fits your chosen category of cognitive distortion. For this thought, identify the following:
- Secondary Emotion
- Primary Emotion
- What do I need?
- How can I get that need met?
That was hard! Haha!
What do we need to heal from shame?
Acceptance.
Acceptance from others and/or ourselves.
When do I confuse healthy coping with avoidance?
What's the difference between numbing an emotion and regulating it?
You're confusing coping with avoidance when the strategy you choose reduces your discomfort or dysregulation in the short-term, but prevents processing, resolution, or meaningful action in the long term. Healthy coping helps you engage more in the long-run. Maladaptive coping (drugs, doomscrolling, bedrotting, overworking, etc.) helps you to escape.
Numbing removes the emotion from awareness while regulating keeps the emotion in awareness, but within tolerance. "This feeling is too much" vs "This feels is intense and I can stay with it safely".
Provide three scenarios in which a secondary emotion may cover up a primary emotion?
1 - Someone cancelling plans last minute
(p - betrayal, hurt)
(s - anger or numbness)
2 - Your boss says "you did a surprisingly good job".
(p - resentment, hurt)
(s - anger, anxiety)
3 - You’re disappointed (primary) because you see a drop in sales in your business. This disappointment distracts you from working, and now you’re angry (secondary) at yourself for being disappointed and distracted.
Scenario: Person A wants their romantic partner to cut back on drinking or drug use around them.
Rules:
- Person A must use an 'I feel (emotion)' statement at least twice.
- Person A must also inform Person B of their underlying need.
- Person B must remain defensive and argumentative.
Totally Tubular!
What are the top 5 emotions you've experienced over the past week? What do you think these emotions tell you about your core belief system?
Heavy stuff, thank you for sharing.
What message does love send us? What does love tend to propel us to do? Why can the feeling of love/joy/catharsis lead to maladaptive behaviors and damaged relationships?
Message: Stay close, this is good, hold on, connection is valuable, etc.
Action Tendency: Care for, nurture, protect, find ways to repeat, celebrate
This emotion, when left unchecked, can lead to addictive clinging, codependency, overreliance, or maladaptive repetition (drug use).
How do bottom-up affective signals, such as amygdala reactivity and insula activation, interact with top-down regulatory processes from the prefrontal cortex to shape the conscious experience and interpretation of emotion, particularly in the context of learned attachment patterns and prior emotional conditioning?
Emotional experience emerges from a dynamic, bidirectional loop between bottom-up salience detection and top-down interpretation/regulation, rather than one system "controlling" the other.
Come up with four examples that show defensive language fueled by secondary emotions versus vulnerable healing language fueled by primary emotions. For example:
"I hate you" vs "I feel hurt".
"I don't care" vs "I care AND I feel hurt and guarded right now, please give me some time."
"Fine, I'll just do it myself" vs "I feel frustrated and could really use some help".
"You always make everything about you" vs "I feel overlooked and disregarded".
"You never listen to me" vs "I feel unimportant and unheard".
Scenario: Person A is confronting multiple friends at the same time, telling them that none of them are communicating in a healthy way. There has been a lot of mean-spirited joking in the friend group and no one is actually apologizing, just skirting around it.
Rules:
- Person A must use an 'I feel (emotion)' statement at least twice.
- Person A must also inform them of their underlying need.
- Everyone who is not Person A must try to use guilt-trip tactics.
Way epic!
Identify a challenging maladaptive core belief you hold. Come up to the whiteboard and write out a dialectic affirmation for it.
That one was tough! You did great though! lol!