Resume
Job Search
Interview
Getting fired
100
A list of everything you've ever done like that trophy you won in grade four for winning duck duck goose even though you only won because you kicked nayan so hard she bled and had have her leg amputated, adding stigma into her life like a harrowing shadow behind her, but the teacher was out flirting with Sasha so she never noticed and you won.
What is achievements section?
100
It's 4am and you're half naked, with your hand hanging inside a hollow bag of chips, but your hand is frozen and you're living in your parents basement looking for a way out because you thought you'd make something of yourself at this point in life, but here you are watching Gordan Ramsay break people while thinking about how you can pay your visa with the 52 cents in your account.

What is unemployment?

100
Your dead parrot, Gladys.

Your mother, Gladys.
A picture of the tattoo you're getting on the inside of your lip (it says Gladys).

What are things you shouldn't bring to an interview?
100

Handing in the monthly report Sasha wrote because he uses big words like "infinitesimal" and if you could, you'd like to cut him open and climb into his skin and be him because he's 6'4, with abs that could grate cheese and smells like red oak and has a perfect hairline, like a sexy lumberjack.

What is plagiarism?
200
Literally the dumbest phrase you could stick at the top of your resume to show people you're so focused and superior, like shut up Stacy you're not a spy.
What is a mission statement
200
Enough money for people to call it "living" and for you to be trapped in a burdened, inescapable cycle that will haunt your family and many others for millenniums while driving inequality and inequity 

What is minimum wage?

200
What does the perfect employee look like to you? Why do you like working here?
What are questions you should ask in an interview?
200
Calling Jules and telling him you'll spread the pictures of him canoodling with his wife's friend, Jorge, if he rats you out for taking the screws out of Moe's chair
What is blackmail?
300
Those people who you somehow didn't fart in front of in the elevator that for some reason apparently think you aren't reprehensible and would, in some weird twisted turn of events, actually say good things about you.
what are references
300

An event where people dress up in dumb looking suits with tacky ads and posters and boards and dusty, old laptops, where they stand around for five hours happy they aren't in the office but upset because they know they're probably being cheated on and they consistently hand out free pens after talking to you about what they do.

What is a job fair?

300
The cyst growing on your forearm, Why you think Trump should baptize your next child, Being content with atheists throwing rocks at small chapels in Vermont.
What are things you shouldn't talk about in an interview?
300
Asking Cynthia to give you five twinkies in exchange for a paid day of work because you know Devon always eats the twinkies, that cretin.
What is bribery?
400
Where you lost all your money
What is education
400
Asking john to ask jake to ask don to ask drake to ask jill to ask shawn to ask phil to ask ron to ask bill to ask don to ask his third cousin, twice removed who lives in romania with his wife syndis, for a job.

What is networking? 

400
Hands on the table, good eye contact, sitting up straight minimal fidgeting, speaking with hands
What is good body language?
400
Coming in after everyone else because you felt like a warm ramen noodle in the shower and couldn't get out until you finished singing the newest song by Sia
What is being late?
500
list of places you graced with your elegance
work experience
500

Using thesaurus.com to be like Sasha and come up with ways to sound good when you eventually apply through LinkedIn while you scour in a crazed panic to create something legible, but then you have to restart it all because you tried to use some word template and your version of word is too old and you would use pages but your mac broke because your ex sat on it on purpose, Samantha, you scorpion woman.

What is applying online

500
When you touch hands and lock your beady eyes and flash a quirky grin and grip each other with such a passion that you think about when your parents let you stay home from school that one day in spring and you had a lot of fun because you got to watch movies and ride your bike and then you pet a dog and it peed on you a little but it didn't even matter.
What is a handshake?
500

Taking all the staples in the office and putting them inside co-worker's sandwiches, asking your bald boss how long it takes him to wash his whole face, telling Marco you should shower together to save some water because it's better for the environment.

What is unprofessionalism?

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