Safety at Risk
What to do when Step Out
CRIB
Retrace Your Path
Tell the Rest of the Story
100
The first step to building safety comes with understanding which of two different conditions of safety is at risk: Mutual Purpose - the Entrance Condition or Mutual Purpose - the Continuance Condition (pages 76 and 79)
What are the two "conditions" of building safety?
100
...a statement that sincerely expresses your sorrow for your role in causing--or at least not preventing--pain or difficulty to others. (page 84)
What is an apology?
100
...if you want to get back to dialogue, you have to Start with Heart. You have to agree to agree..... We start with heart by committing to stay in the conversation until we invent a solution that serves a purpose we both share. (page 91)
How do we "commit to seek mutual purpose"? or What does the "C" stand for in CRIB?
100
...stop and consider how others would see your actions. How would you look if your behavior was recorded on National TV? ....notice when slipping into silence or violence and are able to admit it.....recognize the problem and begin to take corrective action. (pages 112 - 113)
What is Notice your Behavior?
100
*Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem? The first step in telling the rest of the story would be to add important fact to your account by asking what role you've played. You become aware of how you've minimized your own mistakes while exaggerating the role of others. (page 123)
What is the first step in telling the rest of the story? or How do you Turn victims into actors?
200
They know that in order to solve their problem, they'll need to talk about their problem--with no pretending, sugarcoating, or faking. They step out of the content of the conversation, make it safe, and then step back in. (pages 74, bottom of 75 and top of 76)
What should you do to create a safe environment and get back to healthy dialogue?
200
Addresses others' concerns that you don't respect them or that you have a malicious purpose (the don't part). (Page 85) Confirms you respect or clarifies your real purpose (the do part).
What is contrasting?
200
"Before you can agree on a Mutual Purpose, you must first know what people's real purposes are. Step out of the content of the conversation--which is generally focused on strategies--and explore the purposes behind them. When you do separate strategies from purpose, new options become possible. By releasing your strategy and focusing on your real purpose, you're now open to the idea that you might actually find alternatives that can serve both of your interests." (page 93)
What is "Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy"? or What does the "R" represent in CRIB?
200
Knowing what you're really feeling helps you take a more accurate look at what is going on and why. *stop and think about your feelings *talk openly with others about how you feel? *willingly talk with loved ones about what's going on inside of you *use robust and accurate vocabulary (pages 113 - 114)
How do you get in touch with your feelings?
200
When you find yourself labeling or otherwise vilifying others, stop and ask: "Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing"? This particular question humanizes others. As we search for plausible answers to it, our emotions soften. Empathy often replaces judgment, and depending upon how we've treated others, personal accountability replaces self-justification. (page 124)
How do we turn villains into humans?
300
*we end up in debate--others start forcing their opinions into the pool of meaning and we do the same by trying to win...... defensiveness, hidden agendas, accusations, and circling back to the same topic. (page 77)
What are the signs that Mutual Purpose is at risk?
300
It is not a way of taking back something we've said that hurt others' feelings. Rather it is a way of ensuring that what we said didn't hurt more than it should have. (p. 87)
Why is contrasting not apologizing.
300
...move to more encompassing goals. Find an objective that is more meaningful or more rewarding than the ones that divide the various sides. (page 94)
How do you Invent a Mutual Purpose?
300
By questioning our feelings, we open ourselves up to question our stories. We challenge the comfortable conclusion that our story is right and true. We willingly question whether our emotions (very real) and the story behind them (only one of many possible explanations) are accurate. (pages 114 - 115)
What is "question your feelings and stories"?
300
When you catch yourself bemoaning your own helplessness, you can tell the complete story by returning to your original motive. To do so, stop and ask: *What do I really want? For me? For others? For the relationship? (page 125)
How do you turn the helpless to the able?
400
*What do I want for me? *What do I want for others? *What do I want for the relationship? (page 78)
What are the "Start With Heart" questions?
400
"When we're aware that something we're about to drop into the pool of meaning could create a splash of defensiveness, we use Contrasting to bolster safety--before we see others going to either silence or violence." (page 88)
When do we use Contrasting for prevention or first-aid? or When do we use Contrasting?
400
Suspend judgment and think outside the box for new alternatives..... If you're not willing to give creativity a try, it'll be impossible for you to jointly come up with a mutually acceptable option. If you are, the sky's the limit. (page 94)
What is brainstorming for new strategies? or What does the "B" in CRIB represent?
400
To separate fact from story, get back to the genuine source of your feelings. Test your ideas against a simple criterion: Can you see or hear this thing you're calling a fact? Was is an actual behavior? page 115)
What is "separate fact from story by focusing on behavior"? or How do I get back to the facts?
400
When feeling helpless to choose anything other than silence or violence, as yourself the following question: What would I do right now if I really wanted these results? (Page 125)
How do you kill the Fool's Choice?
500
As people perceive that others don't respect them, the conversation immediately becomes unsafe and dialogue comes to a screeching halt. (page 79)
What is Mutual Respect--the Continuance Condition?
500
...you could be tempted to water down your content. Don't give into the temptation. Use contrasting to clarify what you don't and do believe. Start with what you don't believe. (p. 87-88)
How does contrasting provide context and proportion? or How do you use contrasting?
500
*When you are at cross-purposes, use four skills to get back to Mutual Purpose *Commit to seek Mutual Purpose *Recognize the purpose behind the strategy. *Invent a Mutual Purpose *Brainstorm new strategies (page 102)
What are the steps for creating a Mutual Purpose?
500
*Victim stories - It's not my fault. *Villain stories - It's all your fault. *Helpless stories - There's nothing else I can do. (pages 116-119)
What are clever stories?
500
.... we free ourselves from the poisoning effects of unhealthy emotions. We regain control and move back to dialogue. We become masters of our own emotions rather than hostages. (page 126)
Why is it important to tell the rest of the story?
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