Spot the Missing GIVE
Your roommate leaves dishes in the sink. You say:
“You’re disgusting. Do you need someone to teach you how to clean?”
Gentle.
(The response uses insults instead of addressing the behavior respectfully.)
“I’m so sorry for being annoying, but could you please stop borrowing my things without asking? Sorry.”
No unnecessary Apologies.
(You do not need to apologize for asking someone to respect your belongings.)
Use Gentle: A friend keeps interrupting you.
“Shut up. You always make everything about yourself.”
Sample answer:
“I want to finish my thought. Then I’m happy to hear your perspective.”
Someone says:
“I’m disappointed you can’t come. I was really looking forward to seeing you.”
Validate them without agreeing to show up.
Sample answer:
“I can see why you’re disappointed when you were excited about our plans.”
You decline an invitation. They say:
“Wow. You’re no fun.”
Sample answer:
“I get that you wanted me there. I’m still sitting this one out.”
Skills: Validate + no unnecessary apologies.
You say, “Sure, let’s talk,” while rolling your eyes, crossing your arms, and using a sarcastic tone. Name two missing skills.
Gentle + Easy manner.
(Your tone and eye-rolling communicate disrespect despite your words.)
You want to decline an invitation. Instead of saying you are unavailable, you invent a family emergency.
Truthful.
(You make up an excuse instead of giving an honest response.)
Use No unnecessary Apologies: You need time alone.
“I’m sorry I’m such a terrible friend. Please don’t hate me, but I don’t think I can hang out tonight.”
Sample answer:
“I need a quiet night to myself, so I’m staying in tonight. Could we catch up another day?”
Someone says:
“They haven’t texted me back. They definitely hate me.”
Validate the anxiety, without confirming that the person hates them.
Sample answer:
“Waiting for a reply can feel really unsettling when the friendship matters to you. We don’t know yet why they haven’t responded.”
You ask someone to return something they borrowed. They say:
“You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
Sample answer:
“It may feel small to you, but getting my things back matters to me. Can you bring it tomorrow?”
Skills: Gentle + fair to yourself.
A friend says you rarely ask about their life. You respond:
“That’s ridiculous. I asked you about your day last Tuesday. Let me list everything I’ve done for you.”
Name two missing skills.
Interested + Validate.
(You defend yourself without exploring their experience.)
Your friends pressure you to share someone’s private message. You value privacy, but send it because you do not want them to think you are boring.
Stick to values.
(You abandon a personal value to gain approval.)
Use Validate + a boundary: A friend wants you to stay on the phone, but you need to go.
“Your problems aren’t my responsibility. Stop calling me.”
Sample answer:
“I hear that you’re having a really hard night. I need to end the call now. We can check in tomorrow.”
Someone says:
“I was angry, so I had every right to yell at them.”
Validate without agreeing.
Sample answer:
“I understand why you were angry about what happened. You can be angry and still be responsible for how you speak to them.”
You cannot take on an extra task. They say:
“Fine. I guess I have to do everything myself.”
“I hear that you’re overwhelmed. I don’t have capacity for another task. We may need to ask someone else or change the plan.”
Skills: Validate + truthful + fair.
Someone says they are nervous about meeting new people. You respond:
“That’s such a stupid thing to worry about.”
Validate, also Gentle.
(The response dismisses and judges their feelings.)
You and a friend both have important deadlines. You say:
“Mine matters more. You need to drop everything and help me.”
Fair.
(You consider your needs while dismissing theirs.)
Use Truthful + Gentle: Someone has canceled twice.
“You literally never show up. You obviously don’t care about me.”
Sample answer:
“You canceled the last two times we made plans, and I felt disappointed. Can we choose a time that works better?”
Someone says:
“If you cared about me, you would cancel your other plans.”
Validate without agreeing.
Sample answer:
“I hear that you want to feel important to me. I care about you, and I’m keeping the plans I already made.”
You tell a friend their joke hurt you.
Them: “You’re too sensitive.”
“We may experience jokes differently. That one hurt, and I’m asking you not to repeat it.”
Skills: Gentle + truthful + self-respect.
A friend starts explaining why they canceled. You interrupt:
“Whatever. I already know what you’re going to say.”
Answer: Interested.
(You interrupt and assume their explanation instead of listening.)
You completed your part of a project, but your partner did not finish theirs. You say:
“It’s completely my fault. I’ll tell everyone I messed up so nobody gets mad at you.”
Identify at least two missing skills.
Fair + Truthful.
(Taking all the blame treats you unfairly and misrepresents what happened. Stick to values also fits if participants identify honesty or accountability.)
Use GIVE + FAST: Someone makes a joke about you in front of others. You feel embarrassed but laugh along. Later, they ask whether it bothered you.
“No, it was hilarious. I’m just being sensitive.”
Rewrite honestly, name the impact, and make a request.
Sample answer:
“I laughed in the moment, but I actually felt embarrassed. I know you may have meant it playfully. Please don’t make that kind of joke about me again.”
Someone says:
“My treatment team doesn’t understand how hard recovery is. Feeling guilty after following my plan proves I did something wrong.”
Validate without agreeing.
Sample answer:
“Recovery sounds really hard right now, and the guilt feels strong. Feeling guilty doesn’t by itself mean you did something wrong. Could we bring that feeling to your treatment team?”
A friend asks to copy your work. You decline.
Them: “If we’re really friends, you’ll help me.”
Sample answer:
“I want to help you, and I’m not comfortable sharing my answers. I can explain how I approached the problem.”
Skills: Stick to values + truthful + gentle.