Overall Boundary Knowledge
There are many definitions but the book says "Boundaries are ways to communicate our needs to others via words and actions. They are also perimeters we establish with ourselves and others." (WKBK p. 1)
What is one of the first things we stop doing when we are focused on helping others?
Self-care.
"Saying no to helping is an act of self-care. Paying attention to your needs is self-care. And like putting on the oxygen mask, you'll have more energy for others if you apply it to yourself first. If you think about it, the root of self-care is setting boundaries."
-BK page 6
What is the difference between a porous boundary and a rigid boundary?
Porous: weak or poorly expressed and are unintentionally harmful.
Rigid: building walls to keep others out and to keep yourself safe.
Let's do page 6 in the workbook!
In what relationships to people usually have the biggest challenge around boundaries?
Family
Can you think of an area in your life you feel you have a healthy relationship?
Good for you if you do! If not, that's why we're here!
What is the healthiest way to communicate your boundaries:
A: Passive
B: Aggressive
C: Assertive
D: Passive-Aggressive
C: Assertive!
"Assertiveness involves communicating your feelings openly without attacking others. It is how you clearly and directly state your needs. It isn't demanding. Instead, it's a way of commanding that people hear you."
p103bk
What is one of the most common manifestations of boundary issues?
Overwhelm
"Overwhelmed people have more to do than the time required for their tasks. Understanding boundaries is a proactive way to gauge what is truly manageable." bk6
Let's do page 3 checklist in wkbk.
Can you give some examples of porous boundaries versus rigid boundaries?
Porous: oversharing, codependency, enmeshment (lacking emotional separation between you and another person), inability to say no, people pleasing.
Rigid: never sharing, building walls, avoiding vulnerability, cutting people out, enforcing strict rules.
Let's do page 7-8 in the workbook!
What kind of boundary issues could we have around work?
Working too many hours, not leaving work at work, unhealthy relationships with co-workers or bosses, taking on other's responsibilities, not communicating our needs. Bk23
Can you think of an example of a relationship you feel you could use healthier boundaries?
Great! That's why we are here.
True or false: If I'm doing a good job setting boundaries then I won't feel guilt?
False! Guilt is a natural reaction to setting boundaries. "The bottom line is that it's okay to ask for what you want. Guilt is a feeling. It will come and go. Embrace it as a part of a complicated process- just the one piece, not the entirety of the experience."
Bkp107
When we feel this... we feel taken advantage of, frustrated, irritated, annoyed and bitter.
Resentment
"Being resentful impacts the way we deal with people. It doesn't allow us to be our best selves in our relationships." bk.6
Can you give some examples of ways people respond to boundaries?
Pushback, limit testing, ignoring, rationalizing and questioning, defensiveness, ghosting, silent treatment, acceptance.
What are some examples of ways we could have unhealthy boundaries in relationships?
Putting too many unspoken expectations on someone (expecting them to read our minds), not being honest, not being open about our needs, always putting their needs above our own, any type of abuse or use of power and control.
Thanks for sharing!
True or false: We also need to set boundaries with ourselves?
TRUE!
"While other people indeed have an impact on our lives, we make personal choices daily that affect the quality of our lives and who we are. With self-boundaries we consider how we impact ourselves."
bk151
What are these an example of? Disappearing, ignoring, cutting people off, not responding to a request, delaying setting the record straight, or failing to show up.
Avoidance
"Avoidance is a passive-aggressive way of expressing that you are tired of showing up. Hoping the problem will go away feels like the safest option, but avoidance is a fear-based response." bk7
(Let's do page 4 in wkbk.)
What are some healthy ways we can handle pushback?
" Thank you for letting me know. However, I'm proceeding with my request."
"I understand that you don't like my boundary, but I need to feel safe in my relationship. Having limits helps me feel safe."
What are some signs of an unhealthy friendship?
The relationship is competitive, you exhibit your worst behavior when you're with your friend, your friend tries to embarrass you in front of others, you're unable to work through disagreements, your friend doesn't respect your boundaries, the relationship is competitive, your friend shares details of your personal life with others.
What is a boundary you wish you had around technology use?
Awesome, thanks!
In what ways would we need to set boundaries with ourselves?
Finances, time management, self-care, treatment you allow from others, your thoughts-the way you talk to yourself, your reactions, the people you allow in your life.
Can you think of examples of signs you need boundaries?
A few ideas: Making comments about helping people and getting nothing in return, no time for yourself, feeling burnt out, daydreaming about dropping all your responsibilities for a break, you are avoiding things, you are feeling resentful etc..
What are some signs of unhealthy relationships?
You are unable to express your needs because the other person refuses to listen.
The other person refuses to meet reasonable requests.
There's emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.
You feel sad, angry, drained, or disappointed after most interactions.
The other person has an addiction that is harmful to you.
The other person refuses to change some unhealthy behaviors.
What kind of boundaries would we need around technology?
Appropriate use and emphasis on social media and apps. Being mindful of what we post on social media. How much time we spend on technology. What types of information we want in our lives. Who we follow and allow to follow us on SM. Is your technology use affecting your mental health? Are you taking breaks from all technology? Would you like to? BKp.233
What are you looking forward to the most about this class?
:)