Healthy/Unhealthy Relationships
True/False: Unhealthy relationships are always abusive.
False! Relationships can be healthy, unhealthy, or abusive. Relationships can be unhealthy, but not yet crossing into the abusive territory. Unhealthy relationships/behaviors could become healthy through communication and active steps and accountability.
What are boundaries and why are they important?
Staff discretion! No set in stone correct response. (Allows for autonomy, maintains healthy relationships, centers your own needs, protects your energy ad resources, a way to invite others to love you too, etc.)
Your friend has been spamming your phone with messages while you are at work. You cannot answer, and you notice you are beginning to get frustrated with the amount of texts and want to set a boundary. How would you set this boudary?
Staff discretion! Try "I" statements. Speak for yourself. One way is, "I am at work and cannot answer right now. I feel overwhelmed by the volume of texts you are sending. I will reply when I can, but please, do not send me anymore texts until I am out of work."
During an argument, your partner calls you "crazy" and continues to say belittling comments to you, and then tells you, "You made me say that because you made me mad. If you just left it alone, I wouldn't have had to say that to you."
RED FLAG!
True or False: Everyone has the same boundaries.
False!
Healthy or Unhealthy: One partner makes all the decisions and tells the other what to do, or tells the other person what to wear or who to spend time with.
Unhealthy (Remember: power and control wheel!)
True/False: Setting boundaries is crucial for self-care and maintaining positive relationships.
True!
You and your partner have spent the last 4 days together. Your partner asked you to hang out again today, but you want a day for yourself. How do you set this boundary?
Staff discretion! One way could be, "I would like to have a day for myself today. I will still message you when I can, but I will not be able to hang out today. Let's look for another time to hang out!"
You and your partner got into a fight. The two of you communicate, share your feelings, and listen to one another. Talking about your feelings, being vulnerable, and discussing what upset you feels hard, but we do it together.
GREEN! Communication is key! Both parties feel heard and included. Conflict is normal and happens in all relationships, how you resolve conflict is the difference between healthy and unhealthy communication!
True or False: Using "I" statements rather than "You..." can be a useful tool for communication and when setting boundaries.
TRUE! This allows you to speak for yourself / identify your own needs and feelings, and limits making assumptions about the other person. Ex. Saying "I feel sad when you ignore me." vs "You always make me sad by ignoring me." Identifies feelings, and avoids pointing harsh blame.
How do you healthily repair after conflict?
Staff discretion! (communication, transparency, honesty, vulnerability, active listening, openness, curiosity, safety, respect, validation, understanding, nonjudgmental, etc...)
What are at least three barriers when it comes to setting boundaries?
Staff discretion! (fear of conflict, fear of being labeled selfish, fear of rejection, people pleasing, guilt/shame, low self esteem, unsure what healthy boundaries look like, history of negative consequences when boundary setting, etc.)
Your partner often springs things (dates, hang outs, etc.) on you last minute. You want to spend time with them, but you prefer planning things in advance. How would you set boundaries around planning and scheduling?
Staff discretion! Example could be, "I would love to spend time with you. However, I cannot commit to last minute plans/adjustments so often. I would like if we could be more pro-active in planning our time together."
Your partner is often dishonest with you. They continue to engage in conversations with you about the lying, and they say they will be honest. You continue to catch them lying. You can't trust them.
RED! While communication is great, there needs to be behavior changes / action steps showing they are actually listening and doing the work (being honest!)
YELLOW only if you notice they are actively working on it and depending WHAT the lie is.
True or False: Boundaries are important and necessary for maintaining healthy relationship.
TRUE! Whether relationship with yourself, or with others (platonic, romantic, or family.)
Name 3 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship
Intensity, Possessiveness, Manipulation, Isolation, Sabotage, Belittling, Guilting, Volatility, Deflecting Responsibility, Betrayal
What are the 3 categories/styles for boundaries?
Healthy, rigid, porous
You worked all day today and you are feeling tired. Your friend asked you to hang out, and you said no. Whenever you say "no" they comment about how you don't even spend time with them anymore even though you saw them a few days ago.
Staff discretion! You might say, "I am not able to hang out after my long work shifts. I am available on x, y, z days, but today is not an option. I feel sad when you assume I don't want to hang out with you because I can't today. I am balancing work, relationships, and time for myself. I cannot be available all the time, but would be willing to plan a time to hang out. "
You look at your calendar and you realize that you accidentally double booked yourself. You scheduled your date night the same night as a plan you made with your friends. Your partner tells you to go with your friends, and the two of you can find another time.
GREEN! A healthy relationship still allows for separate relationships, hobbies, and interests separate from the romantic relationship. In this case, they are encouraging time with friends, and still making separate time for you. Codependence and isolation can be signs of an unhealthy or abusive relationship.
True/False: In an abusive relationship, one person shows a pattern of having or attempting to gain power and control over the other.
True!
Name 5 Signs of a Healthy Relationship
Comfortable Pace, Trust, Honesty, Independence, Respect, Equality, Kindness, Taking Responsibility, Healthy Conflict, Fun/Joy
List 3 advantages of setting healthy boundaries.
Staff discretion. (good for mental health, maintains positive and healthy relationships, develops and allows for autonomy, develops identity, mutual respect and understanding, etc.)
You have been confiding in your friend about vulnerable and personal things. You found out they have been telling your other friends everything that you have been confiding in them. You expected these things to stay private and between you and your 1 friend. How would you set a boundary with them about keeping privacy?
Staff discretion! "When I tell you things, I am expecting that stays between us. I do not want you to share things I tell you. This breaks my trust. If you continue doing this, I will no longer share things with you."
When you and your partner get into fights, they become emotionally explosive with you. After, they tell you that it is just "because they love you so much that they feel things bigger which makes it hard to control themselves."
RED!
True or False: If someone loves me and truly knows me, they should know my boundaries even without me communicating them.
False! You must communicate your needs directly, as people cannot read your mind. We cannot expect someone to know what we need if we haven't told them.