Acknowledging Feelings
To show children their feelings are accepted and respected...
Instead of Questions and Advice use this strategy (e.g., "Oh...Mmm...I see").
What is Acknowledge Their Feelings with a Word?
To engage a child's cooperation...
Instead of Blaming and Commanding, use this strategy (e.g., "I see Rover pacing up and down near the door").
What is Describe the problem?
Instead of threats ("Ooh! You're going to get it when we get home!"), use this strategy (e.g., "It would be helpful if you picked out three big lemons for us.").
What is Point Out a Way to Be Helpful?
Name this example of encouraging autonomy: "Are you in the mood for your grey pants or your red pants?"
What is Let Children Make Choices?
To Free Children From Playing Roles...
For the child previously thought of as "destructive," using this strategy, you might say, "You've had that toy since you were three and it looks almost new."
What is Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of himself/herself?
To show children their feelings are accepted and respected...
Instead of Half-listening, you can use this strategy (e.g., Face your child and put away your device).
What is Listen Quietly and Attentively?
To engage a child's cooperation...
Instead of Accusing or Insulting, use this strategy (e.g., "Apple cores belong in the compost bin").
What is Give Information?
Instead of threats ("You're acting like a wild animal! no TV for you tonight"), use this strategy (e.g., "I don't like what's going on! It's disturbing to shoppers when children run around the aisles!").
What is Express Strong Disapproval (Without Attacking the Child's Character)?
To encourage autonomy...
Instead of saying, "Adding fractions is a snap! I'll help you!", try this strategy (e.g., "Adding fractions can be hard. It's not easy to find a common denominator.").
What is Show Respect for a Child's Struggle?
To Free Children From Playing Roles...
For the child previously thought of as a "scatterbrain," using this strategy, you might say, "We need milk. Do you think it's safer to carry the money in your wallet or in your pocket?"
What is Put Children in situations where they can see themselves differently?
To show children their feelings are accepted and respected...
Instead of Denying the Feeling use this strategy (e.g., "That sounds frustrating!").
What is Give the Feeling a Name?
To engage a child's cooperation...
Instead of Talking in Paragraphs, use this strategy (e.g., "Kids, PAJAMAS").
What is Say It With A Word?
Instead of threats ("If I catch you running again, you'll get a smack!"), use this strategy (e.g., "Billy, no running. Here are your choices: you can walk or you can sit in the cart. You decide.").
What is Give a Choice?
To encourage autonomy...
Instead of firing questions (e.g., "Did you have a good time at the party? Who was there? Were people dressed up? What did you have to eat? Was there dancing? Did you dance? With whom?", try this strategy (e.g., "Welcome home.").
What is Give the Child a Chance to Tell (or Not Tell)?
To Free Children From Playing Roles...
For the child previously thought of as a "crybaby," using this strategy, you might say, "Mom, you should have seen your grandson take his allergy shot today. He just held out his arm and went right on talking to the doctor. And those shots can hurt, too."
What is Let children overhear you say something positive about them?
To show children their feelings are accepted and respected...
Instead of Explanation and Logic, you can use this strategy (e.g., "I wish I could make the banana ripe for your right now!")
What is Give Them Their Wishes in Fantasy?
To engage a child's cooperation...
Instead of Telling Children What's Wrong With Them, use this strategy (e.g., "I feel so frustrated when I start to say something and can't finish").
What is Talk About Your Own Feelings?
Instead of punishment ("That's it, go to Time Out!"), use this strategy (e.g., "I see that decided to sit in the cart.").
What is Take Action (Remove, or Restrain, or if Possible, Leave)?
To encourage autonomy...
Instead of answering immediately (e.g., "Daddy, where does rain come from?" "Rain is caused by evaporation and condensation of moisture"), try this strategy (e.g., "That's an interesting question. What do you think?").
What is Give the Child a Chance to Express His or Her Own Thoughts?
To Free Children From Playing Roles...
For the child previously thought of as a "sore loser," using this strategy, you might say, "Hey, I thought I had you beaten! It's no fun losing. I'd much rather win. Oh well, I'll be a sport about it. Congratulations."
What is Model the behaviour you'd like to see?
"I can see how angry you are at your brother. Tell him what you want with words, not fists."
All feelings can be accepted.
Finish naming the strategy, beginning with "Certain actions..."
What is Certain actions must be limited?
To engage a child's cooperation...
Use this strategy (e.g., "Shh! Mommy and Daddy Are Sleeping").
What is Write a Note?
Instead of punishment ("I see now you can't be trusted. Well this time you're going to be punished!"), use this strategy (e.g., "What can we work out so that you can use my tools when you need them, and so that I'll be sure they're there when I need them?").
What is Problem Solve?
To encourage autonomy...
Try this strategy (e.g., "Dad my angelfish looks sick. What should I do?" "Hmmm. I wonder if the pet shop owner has any suggestions?").
What is Encourage Children to Use Sources Outside the Home?
To Free Children From Playing Roles...
For the child previously thought of as "uncoordinated," using this strategy, you might say, "Why I remember the time you were three years old and you climbed in the window, lowered yourself onto the dresser, jumped down, and ran to the door to let me in."
What is Be a storehouse for your child's special moments?