Building Relationships p. 140-143
True or False: I am lovable and I deserve love and healthy relationships. Explain your answer.
Leaders can identify cognitive distortions if present. Other group members can chime in.
Ask: Is there anyone in group who does NOT believe this statement is true about themselves? If so, please give your rationale.
How can you be "Gentle" in relationships?
Being nice, respectful, no attacks, no threats, no judgments, no eye rolling or cutting off (any of these options count)
The R in DEARMAN stands for "Reinforce". What is an example of a reinforcement when making a request?
Ex: "I'll be happy" or "You'll really help me out" or "I'll really appreciate it"
The FAST skill reminds us to "Stick to our Values". What are 2 things you value in relationships? (What is important to you within your relationships?)
Examples: Trust, Kindness, Respect, Integrity, Acceptance etc etc
What are some red flags that a relationship may be unhealthy?
Solicit lots of examples from group members and discuss.
Optional: Quiz
https://www.loveisrespect.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/HR-Quiz-final.pdf
Which ones are red flags?
If you are looking to meet new people, where are some places you can meet them?
- Work, school, social events, networking, church, Meet-Ups, Skip the Small Talk, community events, events that promote your interests (ie: Pet Rock Day, Advocacy events, Start on the Street, Museum Events, Concerts, Art Events, etc)
What are some other ideas?
Give 2 examples of how you can act interested in someone.
Listening, appearing interested by asking questions, face the person, maintain eye contact, lean toward the person, don't interrupt or walk over the person, don't let your thoughts wander, etc.
Identify at least one of the first 3 steps in DEARMAN? (DEA)
Describe the situation, Express how you feel about the situation, and Assert or Ask for want you want directly.
What does it mean to "Be Fair" in your interactions with actions?
Be fair to yourself and to the other person, validate both people's feelings and wishes, don't take advantage of others, make sure your needs get met, be willing to help someone without going overboard, return favors that people do for us, etc.
What's the difference between a destructive relationship and an interfering relationship?
See p. 145 Top
If you are looking to meet new people, what are some strategies you can use?
Some ideas are below, but discuss other ideas as well:
- Make sure you are around other people so there are opportunities!
- Look for people who share similar interests and attitudes. If you participate in social gatherings, activities, community events that interest you then you will be more likely to find people who share these interests.
- Work on your conversation skills (Making small talk, acting interested, asking questions to the other person and sharing the stage, practicing what you may like to say about yourself - don't sell yourself short!, practice listening, have things in mind to talk about - reading or increasing your life experiences will give you more to talk about.)
- Remember that you are worthy of friends and healthy relationships. Don't settle for anyone.
- Join in on conversations (see p. 141 for tips)
How can you use an "Easy Manner" in relationships? Give an example
Using humor, smiling, easing the person along, being light-hearted, leaving your attitude or strong opinions at the door, being flexible
What is the goal or objective for using DEARMAN? (When do we use it?)
To make a request (ask for something) or to say "No" to someone's request
Why is it important to not over-apologize?
Because if you apologize for things that aren’t you fault, your self-esteem and self-respect will suffer; others may take advantage of you; you may depreciate your self-worth
True or False: If you want to end a relationship, you should do it while you're arguing and really made, otherwise you may "chicken out".
False. Ending a relationship should be planful, not impulsive, and you should do it when you are in Wise Mind.
What are some "Green Flags" that let you know a person may be worth getting to know?
- This varies by person. Some examples may be: showing an interest in me, listening, being respectful, being honest, etc.
What are others?
Quiz (If the answer is "Yes" to all then those are green flags):
https://www.mass.gov/decision-tree/respectfully-healthy-relationships-quiz
Reference the Five A's of Relationships:
Which part of the GIVE skill are you using when you tell someone that you understand their feelings, wants, difficulties and opinions about the situation
Validate
What does the "A" in "MAN" stand for? Give 2 examples of how you can do this.
Appear Confident - Examples: Maintaining eye contact, using a confident voice (not too soft), using direct language (not saying "I think" or "I'm not sure"), using confident body posture (shoulders squared, back straight) etc.
What are 2 ways that we can be Truthful in our relationships?
Be honest, don’t act helpless when you’re not, don’t exaggerate, don’t make up excuses
How could you use a Cope Ahead plan to troubleshoot a relationship or practice ending a relationship?
- Identify specific strategies you can use when something triggering in the relationship happens and rehearse using these skills
- Identify specific things you will say to end the relationship and rehearse them until they feel natural. Stay mindful and focused on your goal. Identify specific skills and supports you can use once the relationship has ended. Identify how you will respond to different scenarios while ending the situation (ie: the other person getting angry or refusing to end things or being non-chalant, etc). See tips on p. 145 Bottom for getting support when leaving an abusive relationship.
What are some ways that we can be Mindful of Others and Mindful in our relationships?
Review p. 143 aloud.
What is the goal or objective for the GIVE skill? (You use it when your priority is ________)
Keeping or Improving the Relationship
Name all the DEAR MAN skills!
Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce Mindfully, Appear Confident, Negotiate
What is the goal or objective for the FAST skill? (You use this skill when your priority is _______)
Keeping or Improving your Self-Respect
How can you use your interpersonal skills (DEARMAN, GIVE, FAST) to communicate effectively in relationships? (p. 124-131)
- Use DEARMAN to communicate your needs directly and to clearly say "no" when needed; this will also help you to observe your limits and get your needs met
- Use GIVE to take care of relationships that are important to you (be gentle, act interested, validate the other person, use an easy manner)
- Use FAST to maintain your own self-respect in relationships and make sure that people don't take advantage of you AND you don't take advantage of others; remember to stick to your values