Name That Skill
Sometimes we need to ask for something, and sometimes we need to say "no." Which set of skills helps us with both of these important things?
DEAR MAN
What does the "N" in DEAR MAN stand for? What's one way you can do this?
Negotiate. You're open to finding a compromise that works for both of you. You might say, "If you help me with half, I'll do the other half."
What does the "I" in GIVE stand for? Why is it important to act interested?
Interested. Show genuine interest in the other person's thoughts and feelings. Listen to them and make eye contact. It's important because it shows you care about them and what they have to say.
What does the "T" in FAST stand for? What's one way you can be truthful?
Truthful. Don't lie or exaggerate to get what you want. Be honest and factual. You can be truthful by only saying things that you know are correct and not making up stories.
You've been helping your parents around the house by doing simple chores like setting the table and tidying your room. You're starting to feel like you're old enough for bigger responsibilities, like walking the dog or helping with dinner prep, especially since your allowance hasn't increased in a while and you want to save up for a new video game. You're feeling ready to take on more and think you deserve a chance to show what you can do.
Skill: DEAR MAN
How you'd use it:
Describe: "Mom/Dad, I've been doing my chores regularly, like setting the table and keeping my room clean."
Express: "I feel like I'm ready for more responsibility, and I'm also hoping to earn a bit more allowance to save up for that new video game."
Assert: "I'd like to ask if I could start walking the dog every evening or help with dinner preparation a few times a week, and discuss if that could come with a small increase in my allowance."
Reinforce: "If I take on these new tasks, it would really help you out around the house, and it would also teach me more about responsibility and managing money."
Mindful: Stay focused on your goal of getting more responsibility and a possible allowance increase. Don't let the conversation get sidetracked by past chores or other topics.
Appear Confident: Stand up straight, make eye contact, and speak in a clear, confident voice.
Negotiate: Be open to discussion. "Maybe we could try it for a few weeks and see how it goes, and then review the allowance? Or perhaps I could do the dog walking on certain days, and we can figure out another task for the other days?"
If you want someone to like you and want to be around you, which set of skills would you use?
GIVE
What does the "R" in DEAR MAN stand for? What does it mean to do this?
Reinforce. You explain the positive results of getting what you want or saying "no." For example, "If we work on this together, we can finish faster and still have time to play."
What does the "G" in GIVE stand for? How can you show this to someone?
Gentle. Be gentle with your words and actions. Avoid attacking, threatening, or judging. You can show it by using a calm voice and polite words.
What does the "A" in FAST stand for? What's one thing you should avoid when doing this?
Apologies (No Apologies). Don't over-apologize or apologize for things that aren't your fault. Avoid saying "I'm sorry" just to avoid conflict if you haven't done anything wrong.
Your best friend, Alex, comes to school looking really down. They snap at you when you ask what's wrong, and then they retreat into themselves. You know they're probably having a tough morning, and you want to be a supportive friend, but you're not sure how to help without making things worse. You don't need them to tell you everything, but you want them to know you care.
Skill: GIVE
How you'd use it:
Gentle: Approach them softly, use a calm voice, and avoid pushing. "Hey Alex, you seem upset. No pressure to talk about it, but I'm here if you want to."
Interested: Listen actively if they do start talking, make eye contact, and nod to show you're paying attention. "Oh, that sounds really tough. What happened next?"
Validate: Acknowledge their feelings, even if you don't fully understand or agree with their reaction. "It makes sense that you'd feel angry/sad/frustrated about that."
Easy Manner: Don't be overly serious or intense. Maybe offer a small, comforting gesture like sitting nearby or offering to just hang out quietly. "No worries. Want to just sit and read together?"
Which set of skills helps you keep your self-respect and stay true to your values?
FAST
What does the "A" in DEAR MAN stand for? What kind of request would you make during this step?
Assert. You clearly ask for what you want or say "no" to something you don't want to do. For example, "Could you please help me with the math problems now?" or "No, I'm not able to lend you my new book."
What does the "V" in GIVE stand for? What's an example of validating someone?
Validate. Show that you understand and accept the other person's feelings, even if you don't agree with their actions. You might say, "I understand why you're upset about that."
What does the "F" in FAST stand for? What does it mean to be fair?
Fair. Be fair to yourself and others. Don't let yourself be walked all over, but also don't take advantage of others. It means treating everyone with respect and making sure everyone's needs are considered.
All your friends are excited to go to a popular, but really messy, party that's happening at an older student's house this weekend. You heard from your older sibling that parents won't be supervising, and there might be some risky behavior happening. You know your own parents would be really upset if they found out you went to a party like that, and deep down, you don't feel comfortable with the idea either. When your friends ask if you're coming, they start pressuring you, saying things like, "Everyone's going!" and "Don't be a chicken!"
Skill: FAST
How you'd use it:
Fair: Be fair to yourself by not putting yourself in a situation you're uncomfortable with, and fair to your parents by respecting their rules. "I appreciate you inviting me, but I'm not going to that party."
Apologies (No Apologies): Don't apologize for your decision or make excuses. You don't need to say "I'm sorry, but I can't go..." just state your decision.
Stick to Values: Stand firm on what you believe is right and safe for you, even if your friends are trying to convince you otherwise. "My parents wouldn't be okay with it, and honestly, I don't feel comfortable going to a party without adult supervision."
Truthful: Be honest about why you're not going, without making up lies or exaggerating. "I heard it might be a bit wild, and I'd rather avoid that kind of scene."
Scenario: You see a group of older students making fun of a younger student because of what they're wearing. It makes the younger student look really upset.
What skill are you using if you walk over and say: "Hey, that's not cool. Leave them alone. Everyone should be able to wear what they want without being bothered."
FAST. (You are being Fair by sticking up for someone, you're not Apologizing for speaking up, you're Sticking to your values by standing up to bullying, and you're being Truthful about what's happening.)
What does the "D" in DEAR MAN stand for? What do you do during this step?
Describe. You describe the situation clearly and factually, like "You said you'd help me with my homework, but you're playing video games."
What does the "E" in GIVE stand for? How can you act this way in a conversation?
Easy Manner. Be relaxed and calm. Use humor (if appropriate) and try not to be too intense. You can act this way by having a relaxed posture and a friendly expression.
What does the "S" in FAST stand for? What does it mean to stick to your values?
Stick to Values. Stay true to what you believe is right and wrong. Don't compromise your values just to please someone else or avoid an argument. It means doing what you know is right for you.
You and two classmates are working on a big history project that's due next week. You've been doing most of the research and writing, and you notice that one of your group members, Ben, is always distracted by his phone and hasn't contributed much. The other group member, Chloe, is trying but seems a little lost. You're starting to feel overwhelmed and frustrated because you want the project to be good, but you don't want to do all the work yourself.
Skill: DEAR MAN
How you'd use it:
Describe: "Ben, when we're working on the project, I notice you're often on your phone instead of helping with the research."
Express: "I feel really stressed and frustrated because I'm doing most of the work, and I'm worried about our grade."
Assert: "Could you please put your phone away and focus on finding information for the Roman Empire section?"
Reinforce: "If we all contribute equally, we can finish the project faster, get a good grade, and then have time to relax."
Mindful: Stay focused on getting Ben to contribute; don't get sidetracked by other arguments.
Appear Confident: Stand tall, make eye contact, and use a clear voice.
Negotiate: "Maybe you could just focus for 30 minutes, and then we can take a short break?"
Scenario: Maya's friend, Liam, borrowed her favorite colored pencils last week and hasn't returned them. Maya needs them for an art project due tomorrow.
What skill is Maya using if she says: "Liam, remember those colored pencils you borrowed? I need them back for my art project tomorrow. I feel stressed when I don't have my supplies. Could you please bring them to school first thing in the morning so I can finish my project?"
DEAR MAN. (Specifically, she Described the situation, Expressed her feelings, and Asserted her need.)
When would you use the DEAR MAN skill? Give an example of a situation.
You use DEAR MAN when you want to ask for something specific, say "no," or resolve a problem with someone. Example: Asking a friend to return your borrowed pencil, or telling your parent you don't want to do a chore right now.
When would you use the GIVE skill? Give an example of a situation.
You use GIVE when you want to build and keep good relationships with people, or when you want someone to like and respect you. Example: Talking to a new student at school, or having a friendly conversation with a teacher.
When would you use the FAST skill? Give an example of a situation.
You use FAST when you want to maintain your self-respect and live according to your values. Example: Refusing to go along with something your friends are doing if you know it's wrong, or standing up for what you believe in.
It's the first week of school, and there's a new student, Sarah, in your class. At lunchtime, you notice her sitting alone at a table, looking a little sad and quiet while everyone else is chatting with their friends. You remember how it felt to be new once, and you want to make her feel welcome, even though you don't know her very well.
Skill: GIVE
How you'd use it:
Gentle: Approach her calmly, smile, and use a friendly, soft voice. "Hi, is this seat taken?"
Interested: Ask her about herself or listen carefully if she talks. "My name's [Your Name]. What's yours? How are you liking the school so far?"
Validate: Acknowledge how she might be feeling. "It can be tough being the new kid, I remember that feeling."
Easy Manner: Be relaxed, don't put pressure on her, and keep the conversation light. Maybe offer to share something if you have extra, like a snack. "We're talking about our favorite video games. Do you play any?"