Overview
How many types of skills are there in interpersonal effectiveness?
3
What type of skill is used in building, maintaining healthy relationships and reducing conflict?
GIVE skills
What type of skill is used in effectively asking or saying no?
DEAR MAN
What type of skill is used in maintaining self-respect?
FAST skill
You've had a long day with barely a moment to eat or rest. All you want to do is eat a good meal, curl up on the couch and watch Netflix. You open the fridge, but the meal you had prepared for yourself before leaving the house has been eaten by your roommate!
Use DEAR MAN skills to deal with this problem
YOUR GOALS IN THE SITUATION
Objective: I want to eat a good meal
Relationship: I still want a good rapport with my roommate after this interaction
Self-respect: I want to feel heard by my roommate so it does not happen again
DEAR MAN SKILLS
Describe: You ate the meal I prepared and kept in the fridge to eat once I am back home.
Express: I feel disregarded and disrespected because you ate my food, and you did so without asking me.
Assert: I would appreciate it if you asked me before using anything of mine next time. I am really hungry still, and I would like for you to either prepare a healthy meal for me or order one in.
Reinforce: Asking my permission before using my stuff creates an atmosphere of trust and less tension. I also find that living together is a lot easier when we respect each other's boundaries.
Mindful: Be mindful of your emotions and the way your body is feeling. You might feel angry or hangry, your stomach might tighten, your face might get hot, your breath might become short, etc. While being mindful of your feelings, remember your goal in this situation in spite of how you feel.
Appear confident: Sit-up straight, maintain eye contact, and speak clearly regardless of how you feel on the inside.
Negotiate: I can help you clean the dishes and kitchen after you've prepared the meal, and I have eaten and rested for a few minutes. If you do decide to order the meal, I can pick it up from the delivery man once he arrives at our house/apartment.
Name the three skills
GIVE skill
DEAR MAN skill
FAST skill
What does the acronym GIVE skill stand for?
be Gentle
act Interested
Validate
Easy manner
What does the acronym DEAR MAN skill stand for?
Describe
Express
Assert
Reinforce
Mindful
Appear Confident
Negotiate
What does the acronym FAST skill stand for?
Fair
(No) Apologies
Stick to Values
(Be) Truthful
Your friend's favourite pet passed away. They were their best friend, a light during their darkest times. Your friend's grief seems overwhelming because they have spent 3 days in bed, refusing to leave their room because the world feels too scary and lonely without them.
Use the GIVE skill to help your friend during this time.
YOUR GOALS IN THE SITUATION
Objective: To be there for my friend through her grief
Relationship: I want my relationship with my friend to survive this season.
Self-respect: I want to be there for my friend without being weighed down by the situation
GIVE SKILLS
(Be) Gentle: Knock to see if you can come into her room. If they let you in, ask if you can give them a hug.
(Act) Interested: Listen to them. Don't try to solve the situation. Sometimes, your presence might be all they need in the moment. Ask them what you can do to help in the moment.
Validate: Communicate in a way they feel seen, heard, and understood. "I understand that [the pet] was such an important part of your life, and I see how losing him/her can be very painful." "I am here as a shoulder to lean on and to support you whichever way you want."
(Use an) Easy manner: Don't make demands, harass or nag. Give them a sincere compliment. Remember fun moments with the pet. Depending on your friend's mood, you can crack a joke or two.
What are interpersonal effectiveness skills?
These are skills that help us achieve our goals, maintain healthy relationships and protect our self-respect
Fill in the gaps
"People are more likely to do what you ask of them if they feel ------- for, and you are more likely to feel ------ about yourself if you treat others with care and -----"
Cared
Good
Respect
Fill in the gaps
"DEAR MAN skills are used to help us ----- what we ----- from other people without ------- relationships or ------ your integrity."
Get
Want
Damaging
Compromising
Fill in the gaps
"The FAST skills are used to maintain your -------- when communicating with others. We leave any interaction, whether it is an argument, a negotiation, or a conversation, ---------- ---------- about ourselves."
Self-respect
Feeling good
You and Diego (your friend) are building a Lego flower as a gift for your friend (Nelly). Diego is really good at Lego, but you are not. You are doing it because you know it will be a very good gift for Nelly. Diego keeps pointing out the errors that you are making so that you both can build it right. You are slowly getting irritated and frustrated by this.
Use the FAST skill to cope with the situation
YOUR GOALS IN THE SITUATION
Objective: To complete the Lego flower for Nelly
Relationship: I still want to maintain my friendship with Diego
Self-respect: I want to feel like I contributed my knowledge in building the lego and I want to do so independently.
FAST SKILLS
(Be) Fair: Diego I understand that you are very good at Lego, and you are trying to help me to build the flower correctly. However, it is also an opportunity for me to learn Lego and to do so independently.
(No) Apologies: Don't apologise. You haven't done anything wrong.
Stick to Values: I value my independence and the ability to think for myself. Constantly pointing out my errors without giving me the chance to figure it out on my own is not promoting my independence and ability to think.
(Be) Truthful: This is how I truly feel.
Why is interpersonal effectiveness skill important?
It is important because it helps us build and maintain relationships/friendships
Fill in the gaps
"The GIVE skill is used to maintain a good --------- or reduce ------------ with another person."
Relationship
Conflict
Fill in the gaps
"I-statements are important because they keep ------- open. An I-statement means that you are taking -------for how you ------, this keeps the other person from becoming defensive."
Communication
Responsibility
Feel
Fill in the gaps
"Be ------ to yourself and the other person. ------- your own feelings and desires as well as the other person's."
Fair
Validate
You and Diego (your friend) are building a Lego flower as a gift for your friend (Nelly). Diego is really good at Lego, but you are not. You are doing it because you know it will be a very good gift for Nelly. Diego keeps pointing out the errors that you are making so that you both can build it right. You are slowly getting irritated and frustrated by this.
You have used the FAST skill to air out your mind to Diego while maintaining your self-respect, but Diego pointing out your errors is necessary to build the flower right and in a timely manner. How can you promote your independence but also finish the flower in a timely manner?
Your value is independence and thinking for yourself. But there is limited time to practise independence in Lego with the Lego flower. Here are some options to solve the situation:
1. Using the Lego flower guide, look for pieces for the next steps so that Diego can put it together
OR
2. Offer to do something else while Diego handles the Lego flower. You can buy and write on the birthday card on behalf of you and Diego. If you are throwing a party, you can offer to go grocery shopping with your support worker and to help out with the preparations.
You can later purchase a Lego at your own convenience for your own practice.
The three goals of interpersonal effectiveness skills are
- Objective
- Relationship
- Self-respect
Now, explain what each of them means
Objective: What do I want out of this relationship/friendship/interaction?
Relationship: How do I want the other person to feel about me after this interaction?
Self-respect: How do I want to feel about myself after this interaction?
Choose the correct answer.
What are the four ways to be Gentle?
1. No physical or verbal attacks, No use of threats, No name-calling or insult hurling or guilt tripping, and No disrespect
2. Invade their bubble space, Laugh at them, Make funny faces at them
3. Be aggressive, Guilt-trip them, and Refuse to listen
4. Speak in a shy voice, Make no eye contact, and Run away from the problem permanently
1. No physical or verbal attacks, No use of threats, No name-calling or insult hurling or guilt tripping, and No disrespect
Use DEARMAN and Interpersonal Effectiveness Skill goals to say no in this scenario
Scenario: Carla, your best friend, wants to discuss a problem, but you want to go to bed
Questions:
1. Interpersonal Effectiveness Skill goal
a. Objective:
b. Relationship:
c. Self-Respect:
2. DEARMAN skill
a. Describe
b. Express
c. Assert
d. Reinforce
e. Mindful
f. Appear Confident
g. Negotiate
1. Interpersonal Effectiveness Skill goals
a. Objective: Go to bed
b. Relationship: Keep a good relationship with Carla
c. Self-Respect: Balance caring for yourself with caring for Carla by spending time with Carla but also communicating your need to end the conversation early to get your needed rest
2. DEARMAN skill
a. Describe: Hi Carla, I see you want to discuss a problem that worries you. But I would like to go to bed since it is late.
b. Express: I feel tired and I do not have the capacity to discuss the problem right now
c. Assert: I would like to go to bed now.
d. Reinforce: I would be in a better mind frame in the morning or [at a later date] to discuss this problem with you. With a fresh mindset, I will be able to give you better advice and be a good listener.
e. Mindful: Be aware of your emotions, your thoughts, how your body feels and what is going on inside of you
f. Appear Confident: Stand up straight, maintain direct eye contact, and speak clearly. Basically the more you project confidence, the more you believe you are confident in your mind.
g. Negotiate: We can discuss this problem tomorrow when I am less tired and more energetic.
According to the FAST skill, when should you not apologise?
When you haven't done anything wrong
Bonus!!
You get free 500 points!!
Hurrayyyyy!!!!!