Let's Practice
It's the anniversary of your dog's passing. You've had a rough day and are sad, exhausted and hungry. You get home from work and see your partner watching sports of TV. You want support but think "they should know this is a hard day for me." They continue to watch TV and wave hi. What do you say?
Ex. Hey, can you pause that? This is the anniversary of Bobo's death and I'm having a hard time. Would you mind if we spent some time together and did something distracting/watched a move/ordered food/cried? I would really appreciate it.
True or False: Dialectics reminds us that the universe is filled with opposing sides, and two things that seem like opposites can both be true
True - there is always more than one way to see a situation, and more than one way to solve a problem (pg 151)
You notice your friend is having a bad day and go over to talk to them. What IPE skill might you use?
GIVE - Validate
What does DBT stand for?
Dialectal Behavior Therapy
True or false: to validate someone, you have to agree with they are saying
False
Your new boss asks you to get a 'rundown' of all your clients. You have no idea what a rundown is. Using whatever skills you'd like, how do you ask for clarification?
Hey Charles, I'm happy to get you this information. What exactly are you looking for?
Why are dialectics helpful to you?
Helps to consider both sides of a conflict and noticing that two opposites can both be true at the same time (pg 150)
Your manager sets a rule about food in the fridge that you disagree with. You try to share your point of view, how the rule affects you, and request for the rule to be changed. What skill did you use?
DEAR MAN
What does DEAR (in DEAR MAN) stand for?
Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce
What does validation mean?
Finding the kernel or truth in another person's perspective or situation. Acknowledging that a person's emotions, thoughts or behaviors make sense in some way. No necessarily agreeing the other person. Not validating what is actually invalid.
You ordered a steak that is overcooked. You know it's not the waiter's fault. You want to return it but really don't want to sound like a jerk. Using whatever skills you'd like, how would you ask for a new steak?
Hey, I'm noticing that this steak is a little over. Would it be possible for the kitchen to fire a new one? I really appreciate it! You guys are the best!
Name two factors that can get in the way of Interpersonal Effectiveness that you might need to troubleshoot
You don't have the IPE skills you need, You don't know what you want, Your emotions are getting in the way, You forget your long term goals for short term goals, Other people are getting in your way, Your thoughts and beliefs are getting in the way
You are trying to negotiate your curfew and want to lie about being out late, but you decide to be truthful because you believe it's important to be honest. What skill is this?
FAST - Stick to your values and Truthful
What does the MAN (in DEAR MAN) stand for?
Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate
Your kid comes home from school and says that he got a D on a test. He's upset and reports actually studying a lot. You're upset and worried about his grade. How do you validate him?
Bummer, I'm sorry to hear that. I would be upset too, etc.
Your friend is hooking up with a guy you don't like. He has a bad reputation and you fear this won't end well. You're friend doesn't seem to be worried. Fast forward and it turns out he's had a girlfriend for the past year. You have the urge to say "I told you so!". What do you do?
Remember your objective - if it's to be a good friend say 'that totally sucks'. if it's to 'be right' accept that there may be some hurt feelings on the other end
What are the three important interpersonal effectiveness goals to consider when you are in an interpersonal situation?
Objectives Effectiveness, Relationship Effectiveness, and Self-Respect Effectiveness
Lucy wants to ask her mom if she can go out on Friday. What interpersonal effectiveness skill would be best for her to use when asking?
DEAR MAN
What does GIVE stand for?
Gentle, Interested, Validate and Easy Manner
Name 2 reasons why we should validate?
It improves our relationships by showing we are listening or understanding. It improves IPE by reducing pressure to prove who is right, negative reactivity or anger. It makes problem solving, closeness and support possible. Invalidation hurts!
In the middle of an argument, you are so mad at the other person you don't want to have anything to do with this person anymore. You want to end the relationship right now. How do you approach this skillfully?
Get out of emotion mind and into wise mind, and then evaluate whether to stay or leave the relationship
Give an example of a Dialectic
Desire for change AND Acceptance of the moment
You're doing the best you can AND you can do better
Etc.
Your boss asks you to do a task you really don't want to do. You aren't sure whether or not it's an appropriate thing to say no to, and you aren't sure how firmly you should say no. What skill can you use that can help you decide how firmly to say no?
Dime Game
What does FAST stand for?
Be Fair, no Apologies, Stick to values and be Truthful
You feel consistently invalidated in your romantic relationship. You think, "it's better than being alone." What DBT skills could you try?
Check the facts, DEAR MAN, GIVE, FAST, end the relationship, mindfulness of current emotion, problem solving, etc.