Sexual Trauma
How old was I when I was sexually assaulted?
12 Years Old (Just over a week away from turning 13)
How long did I attend therapy?
Three months, and I hated every single second of it because my parents had forced me to go.
How many fights have I been in?
3 (I won all of them)
What genre of podcasts/films/TV shows/books/etc. can I never bring myself to watch no matter how much someone begs me?
True Crime, because I've lived it. I was asked to testify against my abuser in court, and since then anything related to lawyers, courtrooms, questioning, and true crime I cannot listen to or watch.
What is my biggest insecurity in regards to my relationships?
I constantly feel like an outsider in groups of friends because my viewpoint and mode of interacting with the world is so much different than "normal" people. Most people don't get along with me as a result, making me afraid that all my friends will abandon me.
Who played a part in the sexual assault?
My grandfather - Primary
My grandmother, my aunt - by proxy
Why did I hate that specific therapist so much?
She was very...irritating. She treated me like some sort of puzzle to be cracked, and it felt constantly like she was patronizing me every time she managed to pull information out of me. ("ah, see now we're getting somewhere! Was that so hard?" etc.)
Also, she admitted freely that anything I told her she would tell my parents, which completely obliterated any trust I may have given her in the first place.
How many self-defense classes have I taken in my life (not including formal martial arts)?
41
Why do I no longer sleep with a knife?
Because one night, as I was suffering from a PTSD induced nightmare, I woke up to find myself out of my bed with the knife flipped out ready to attack someone.
What is my biggest insecurity regarding my (non-existent) romantic life?
Because I have never felt romantic or sexual attraction towards another person, it is difficult to watch all my friends experiencing wonderful relationships and feeling, and not being able to understand. It feeds into the fear of everyone moving on without me, leaving me alone.
How prolonged was the leadup to the sexual assault?
About 6 months of grooming, in which my grandfather exhibited many grooming behaviors right in front of my parents, without them knowing.
What factors of my "therapy experience" do I now realize were ABHORRENT issues now that I'm training to be a healthcare professional?
1. She was a friend of my parents who attended our church.
2. She did NOT specialize in childhood trauma/PTSD/Sexual abuse - and did not refer me to a specialist who did.
3. She often approached me at church to ask how I was doing and "check up" on me, which embarrassed me very much in front of my peers (who already tried to avoid me at this point)
4. She was very condemnatory and judgemental, and often tried to play mind games with me to get me to reveal information.
5. She immediately told everything I said in our CONFIDENTIAL sessions to my parents.
How many weapons do I own? (as of the making of this jeopardy)
AND BONUS, how do these weapons influence the decoration of my room/apartment?
25 weapons total (not including kitchen knives and other objects that can be used as an improvised weapon)
All the weapons that I own are spread out in my apartment/bedroom so that no matter where I stand I am within 6 feet of a weapon at any point in time.
Why do I adore hymns so much?
The night of the assault, I was taken in with my dad for questioning. My mom stayed behind to watch the other siblings, and while he was taken in for questioning, I was left alone in the dark lobby of the police station. I felt very small, and scared, and right about the point I figured I would implode on myself and die....I found myself singing. Very quietly under my breath, I sang hymns. Every hymn I knew at 12 years old. And it brought me a comfort that I still to this day don't know how to explain.
Why do I focus so much on my grades and achievements?
Because following my abuse, I threw myself into learning self-defense and my education. I learned how to constantly keep myself busy because if I was working, I wasn't thinking. Rest was dangerous, because it allowed me to think, and my mind was and is a scary place. After living this way for now 13 years, I don't know how to rest, and resting causes my anxiety to go through the roof.
Secondly, I wanted to excel in everything I did because it meant that I wasn't allowing what happened to me to win over my life. It was and is a way to prove myself to other people that I am strong, smart, and resilient. It also shows that I should not be messed with, and will do whatever it takes to succeed, to my own detriment.
Why did we excise ourselves from our extended family as a result of my assault? (multiple answers)
1. Many of my father's family members came to the defense of my grandfather, saying that I was asking for it and he was just an old man with needs (after hiding the fact that he has been a child molester his whole life from everyone they ever knew)
2. My aunt - who was also abused by my grandfather - refused to speak up when questioned about it saying that she rather our family "deal with him" than have her deal with him. If she had spoken up, he would have been sentenced for the rest of his life. Instead, he only got put away for a year and 10 months (he lived 7 more years)
3. My grandmother also knew about his abuse and refused to tell anyone about it, and when my dad confronted her the day of my assault she wasn't even surprised. "I'm going to kill him! Dammit, I knew this would happen eventually."
Why do I not trust therapists in general?
Because I HATE being psychoanalyzed, and the stupid/condescending phrases that are often used in the stereotypical therapy sessions were ones that I actually experienced.
What is my most common nightmare?
AND BONUS: how do those nightmares often end?
Being attacked, raped, or assaulted by men and women that I know (who I do not explicitly trust.)
With me killing them.
Why do I have an extreme distrust of the justice system?
My grandfather, after nearly two years of lawsuits, dragging out the trial, forcing me into a testifying position at 12 years old, and after my aunt refused to corroborate any of our claims....he only got sentenced to 1 year and 10 months in prison. His lawyer claimed that "that would be considered a life sentence for him, he's just a frail old man," which won the judge over.
That same year, three months later, a man got sentenced to 10 years in prison for beating a golden retriever.
What are thoughts that run through my head when I try (or *ahem* am forced to *ahem*) relax?
"If I have time and energy to rest, I have time and energy to study."
"Resting too long makes me feel weak, and I can't be seen as weak. That's dangerous."
"I don't deserve to relax if my performance isn't high enough."
And the like.
What are some ways that my old (and very toxic church) continued to rub my sexual abuse in my face, making feel uncomfortable and unsafe? (multiple answers)
(I go to a much better church now, btw, who are not like this)
1. I was told by a really bitchy women in administration that I should not work as a small group leader or work with children because "I'll be just like my abuser and hurt them"
2. I was told that I am worth nothing if I don't have romantic feelings for anyone, and that my worth as a woman lies in finding and marrying a man. (NOT TRUE BIBLICALLY)
3. All of my "perfect" church friends left me because I was suddenly considered "gross" and "untouchable" and they didn't want to be around me anymore.
What is something my dad revealed to me after my therapy experience that made my memories of the experience so much worse?
He told me years after this experience that, because he had a private security clearance with the government, if they found out that he was attending therapy (to address his own issues with his perverted sperm donor) he would lose his job. So one of the main reasons he forced me to go to therapy so much was because he needed the bill to be labeled under "family therapy" which is the only therapy he could undergo without losing his job.
My Mom's response? "You needed to go anyway, it benefitted everyone."
What do my tattoos mean?
RIGHT ARM: a dragon that is a combination of Smaug and Toothless, the dragons from my childhood. A reminder that it's okay to grow up different and a little quirky.
LEFT ARM: A crown of thorns, above reading TETELESTAI (meaning "it is finished", one of the last words that Jesus spoke on the cross, indicating that He has already paid the price for our faults and sins, and all we need to do is believe in Him), below reading "Never Alone."
"Never Alone" was a phrase of a Christian book series that I read while I was going through the hell of lawsuits, and everything with my grandfather. It was something the warriors said to one another before they went into battle indicating that they were indeed, never alone, and their Prince was always with them.
RIGHT WRIST: a simple cross, obviously a reminder of Jesus' death and resurrection, in order to remind me of why I'm going through medical school in the first place (it's meant to stick out from under my white coat).
Why do I want to become a doctor?
Because I have 3 sisters with disabilities and a mother who is riddled with autoimmune issues. I have helped see them through over 30 total surgeries, and helped make their lives easier with their conditions, even pulling late nights to make sure I could help them out. And it always came easy for me. I was put on this earth by God to help heal people and give them hope, and what better way to do that than through healthcare?
Why do I care what the people I care about think of me?
I don't care what anyone thinks, unless those people are people that I care about. I will change large aspects of myself to keep my loved ones happy and not annoyed at me. Even if someone no longer holds the same view of me as they once did, how my loved ones think about me is held very heavily over my head, because I feel massive guilt over how I act. I constantly measure myself against other people, and how I know I SHOULD be, because of my massive guilt complex. I NEED to know what they think of me, or why they think the way they do, so I can adjust my behavior, because I don't want to lose them.