DEARMAN
What skills does DEARMAN support with?
Organizing thoughts and creating a script to be able to address a conflict or concern with another party
What skills does FAST support with?
Keeping respect for yourself, saying no, being upfront and respectful with others.
What skills does GIVE support with?
Maintaining healthy relationships by focusing on HOW you communicate
What skills does TRUST support with?
Building trust with other AND yourself. Note that not every relationship will look the same, so trust may also look different.
What is the "Middle Path"
The understanding that not everything is either/or, black and white. Compromises can be made that meet everyone's needs. Be creative!
What does DEARMAN stand for?
Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, (be) Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate
What does FAST stand for?
(be) Fair, (no) Apologies, Stick to your values, (be) Truthful
What does GIVE stand for?
What does TRUST stand for?
Truthful, Respectful, Understanding, Stable, Time
Describe 3 ways to set and hold boundaries
Communicate clearly, be consistent, remind yourself that your comfort/wellbeing is worth it, trust yourself, distance from those who cannot respect your boundaries.
What is the first step in creating a DEARMAN script?
Identifying your goals for the conversation
Explain/give an example of F+F+No
State the facts, share your feelings, kindly (and clearly) say no/decline.
What does it mean to validate someone in a GIVE conversation/scenario
You don't have to agree with the person to allow them to feel their emotions. Validate the feelings, not necessarily the behavior.
What others skills can you pair TRUST with?
All of them!
What is a boundary?
Established based on a need/want/value, clearly communicated to others, describes what YOU will do in a situation.
Give an example of "reinforcing" during a DEARMAN conversation for the other party
Request: Picking up clothes from the floor.
Reinforcement:
How can you apply FAST skill to F+F+No
Maintaining respect for yourself and sticking to your values while saying no and maintain the relationship (if that is the goal)
Is it possible for two people to disagree and both be "right"? Give (hehe, a pun!) an example.
Yes! Example: someone's feelings are always "correct"
What do you do when trust is broken?
Utilize other skills (DEARMAN, GIVE) to communicate with the other person (if it is safe/appropriate) that you feel trust is broken. Allow time to rebuild if that is what feels best.
Give an example of a dialectic: two things that seem opposite, but can be true at the same time.
You can love someone and be frustrated with them
You can be mad at someone and still continue the relationship
You can have done something "wrong" but also be hurting , etc
How can you stay on track during a DEARMAN conversation?
Working together to reach the common goal, not arguing about who is right/wrong or bringing up topics unrelated to the task at hand.
A close friend asks you to watch their child for the fourth night in a row. Your friend has not provided you with anything to care for the child, and money is tight. Your friend has not told you what they are doing, but you feel like you should say yes because your friend has babysat for you when you were called into work last minute.
You could: Say yes, but on the condition that your friend provides food, diapers, etc. Maybe you check in with your friend about what is going on
You could: Say no. "I have watched your child several times this week, and I am starting to feel frustrated and taken advantage of. Unfortunately I cannot help you today, but I would be open to babysitting again in the future"
Your sibling has repeatedly brought up your history of substance use in front of others, (acquaintances, family, friends) when it is unrelated to conversation. Your sibling has been a huge support over the years, and you don't think they are being malicious, but you would prefer they not bring up this topic. Use GIVE to have a conversation.
Approach your sibling and clearly and gently share that this behaviors upsets you. Allow them time to respond and validate their feelings, while sharing your own feelings to reinforce your request. Use an easy manner to set a tone that this is not a fight, a request is being made for your comfortability and to move forward in the relationship.
Your partner has repeatedly broken your trust other the years through infidelity, dishonesty, and consistently putting you down. You know there needs to be a change, but you are not sure where to start, what is the next step?
Trust yourself! You are deserving of positive/healthy relationships and your partner is not allowing that. Set clear boundaries and stick to them consistently, or end the relationship if needed.
How might you end a relationship with someone?
Make this decision using your wise mind, not your emotional mind, consider if it may be possible to problem solve to salvage the relationship. Cope ahead of time to remain regulated. Stay on topic and stick to your values. Maintain safety!