What 2 things can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner
What has one eye but can’t see anything at all?
A needle.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time?
A widow.
What do you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?
A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.
I have teeth but can’t eat. What am I?
A comb.
What gets wetter the more it dries?
A towel
What bird can lift the most weight?
A crane.
What has four eyes but can’t see?
Mississippi.
What is it that lives if it is fed, and dies if you give it a drink?
Fire.
Why are movie stars considered cool?
Because they have so many fans.
What word is spelled incorrectly in every single dictionary?
Incorrectly
What starts with “e” and ends with “e” but only has one letter in it?
An envelope.
What has three feet but can’t walk?
A yardstick.
What’s as big as an elephant but weighs absolutely nothing?
Its shadow.
Why are 1968 pennies worth more than 1967 pennies?
Because there is one more penny in 1968 pennies than in 1967 pennies.
What never asks a question but gets answered all the time?
Your cellphone.
How do you make the number one disappear?
Add the letter G and it’s “gone”!
If two’s company and three’s a crowd, what do four and five make?
9
Forwards I’m heavy but backward I’m not. What am I?
A ton. (not)
Is it legal for a man to marry his widow’s sister?
No, but since he is dead it would be hard to do so.
A girl fell off a 50-foot ladder but didn’t get hurt. How come?
She fell off the bottom rung.
How many months have 28 days?
All 12!
How much dirt is there in a hole that’s 5 feet wide and 5 feet deep?
None.
A girl leaves home and turns left three times, only to return home facing two guys wearing masks. Who are the two guys?
The catcher and the umpire.
Why can’t a woman living in Europe be buried in Canada?
A living woman cannot be buried anywhere.
Which weighs more a pound of feathers or a pound of bricks?
Neither.
They both weigh exactly one pound.
What 5-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
Short.
Name four days of the week that start with the letter “t”?
Tuesday, Thursday, today, and tomorrow.
If you had only one match and entered a dark room containing an oil lamp, some kindling wood, and a newspaper, which would you light first?
The match
A man dressed in all black is walking down a country lane. Suddenly, a large black car with no lights on comes around the corner and screeches to a halt. How did the car’s driver know he was there?
It was daytime.
How many seconds are there in a year?
Twelve. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,..
What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment, and never in one thousand years?
The letter M.
What moves faster: heat or cold?
Heat. Because you can always catch a cold.
If you have a bowl with six apples and you take away four, how many do you have?
The 4 you took away.
Imagine you’re in a room that’s filling up with water quickly. There are no windows or doors. How do you get out?
Stop imagining.