Plantation HR Department
Working on a plantation came with tons of benefits including free housing (with chains pre-installed!), life-long job security, and a deep sense of this.
What is Family
This general lost the war but won the sculpting industry forever.
Who is Robert E. “Participation Trophy” Lee?
We didn’t start the war. We simply fired the first cannon as a friendly Southern introduction at this quaint harbor fort.
What is Fort Sumter
We don't talk about this document too often because it has the S-word in it over 80 times.
What is our state’s secession declaration?
We didn’t leave the Union because of slavery. We left because of this noble principle, bestowed unto us by god himself, that just so happened to rely entirely on slavery.
What is to protect our sacred right to… uh… freedom (don’t ask them freedom to do what though!)
In return for their tireless efforts in the fields, we graciously offered this gourmet perk.
What is a heaping bowl of corn mush and the occasional ham bone if it was a holiday?
He died the way every Confederate leader feared: shot by his own troops in the fog of brotherhood.
Who is Stonewall Jackson
The bloodiest single day in American history wasn’t a loss—it was proof of our soldiers’ determination to hold the line, no matter how outnumbered they were. What was this tragic yet inspiring battle?
What is Antietam
Even after emancipation, many of our workers stayed right here on the land. Proof of loyalty—or what we call it in HR terms:
What is sharecropping
It ain’t about hate. It’s about family, barbecue, and rememberin’ the good ol’ days when men were men and cotton picked itself. What glorious banner are we talkin’ about?
What is the Confederate battle flag
The antebellum south’s economy ran primarily on this, totally unproblematic and super humane system, often referred to as “that peculiar institution”
What is Slavery
Often painted by northern propagandists as a defeat and major turning point in the war, The Battle of Gettysburg was really what?
What is a strategic retreat (that happened to result in the death of 4,000 soldiers)
Some call it a mistake. We call it a demonstration of unmatched Southern courage, when brave Confederate men marched across an open field toward destiny (and several thousand Union rifles). What was this iconic moment?
What is Pickett’s Charge
This classic novel and film taught generations that slavery wasn’t so bad if you had a hoop skirt.
What is Gone With the Wind (or, as we call it, our family documentary)
What totally real fact does your uncle cite as evidence that slaves were actually “happy as a clam”
What is singing
Plantations are often derided by ignorant northerners for their “workplace incentives” including this practice.
What is Corporal Punishment (Including Lashings and other forms)
The best way to honor a fallen confederate general is by doing this.
What is naming an elementary school after them.
Despite popular misconceptions, very reliable historian G.R. McGee helps us understand the obvious truth that this radical group really forced the south to secede due to their “very ugly and very disloyal sentiments.”
What are abolitionists?
Super credible historians with very generous imaginations once claimed enslaved people were better off than Northern workers — because they had food, shelter, and didn’t have to worry about this modern stressor.
What is getting fired
According to Uncle Clyde, enslaved folks weren’t oppressed—they were cared for, given room and board, and sometimes even allowed to pray. What does he call this “arrangement”?
What is benevolent servitude
What was the number #1, obviously erroneous complaint listed on Yelp reviews for southern plantations?
What is failure to pay overtime? (With some complaints saying it continued for nearly 400 years!)
Despite the attempts by northern carpetbaggers, the South really won the war by proving that this could outlast the embarrassment of crippling military defeat
What is delusional racism.
After an extended camping trip involving hunger, trench foot, and the occasional cannonball, we decided to hand this riverside city over.
What is Vicksburg — our gift to the Union on the 4th of July, because we’re polite like that.
Some say slavery was cruel, but others insisted it taught “valuable skills” like carpentry, cooking, and complete obedience. What did they call this unpaid, no-exit training program?
What is the “Southern School of Industrial Excellence”
“The South didn’t lose,” he insists, while standing next to a statue of a man who… did this.
What is surrendered?