Tactics
The act of using threats to get their own way. Example: Someone threatening to take away a phone because the other party is not responding to their messages fast enough.
What is coercion?
This tactic uses phrasing or behavior in order to change the emotion of another. In particular, the victim will feel 'wrong' for what they have just done or said. Example: Saying "If you don't hang out with me tonight, I think I am going to be sad for awhile."
What is guilt tripping? Further discussion: What else might this look like?
The act of instilling doubt in an individual, their actions, and even their thoughts. The victim might start to feel 'crazy', or like their reality isn't true. A manipulator may do this until you trust everything they do and say. Example: Denying they hurt you, even when they did.
What is gaslighting?
When faced with difficult situations, you should think of this immediately. You can protect yourself by preparing and communicating with people. This might look like seeing if you have somewhere else to stay, someone nearby, or even calling 911 in an emergency. This is usually your priority in any situation.
What is looking out for your safety? Further discussion: What are some ways someone might restrict your ability to give yourself a safe environment/way out of an unsafe situation?
Person A constantly compares person B to a piece of cake. Person A also seems to only show person B affection during "bedroom time" and otherwise almost completely ignores person B.
Yes, this is manipulation. And there is a word for this type of manipulation. It is called objectification. Further discussion: What are some other commons things people may be objectified/compared to?
The act of convincing someone that they deserve being manipulated or abused. Example: When a victim stands up for themself, the manipulator might say "You should have known better."
What is blaming the victim?
This is a communication tactic aimed at conveying something that is not directly said. This is used to keep the focus on the manipulator and their emotions, not the victim. Example: Saying something like "Wow, that outfit looks great with your rolls."
What is passive aggressive communication? Further discussion: Is passive aggressive communication ALWAYS manipulation?
The act of placing their own feelings or traits onto another person. Example: Saying "Why are you being so overbearing?" when their partner has asked simple questions such as are you cooking dinner. They themselves feel they are overbearing, so they put it onto someone else.
What is projection?
You instead might notice the way someone makes you feel, certain phrases, or even behaviors towards others and get an 'ick' feeling. This is the act of spotting these behaviors and identifying them as problematic.
What is noticing red flags?
Person A states that they are going out to chat with some friends. Person B asks when they will be back. When A asks why, B states "We made plans for later in the day, and I just wanted to see if we were still planning for those plans." A forgot about the plans, apologized, and told their friends that they will have to chat at a later date.
No. Person B did not guilt trip or threaten person A. Instead, they stated that the two had planned to do something else and left it at that. Further discussion: What would need to happen to make this manipulative?
This act involves overstepping requests previously made. These requests are often made because one/both parties are uncomfortable/do not like certain actions. In the case with a manipulator, they will overstep the requests and try to break them down. Ex: The victim asks their parent to ask before entering their room, but the parent enters the room without asking anyways.
What is violating boundaries? Further discussion: Can someone change their mind about a boundary at a later date?
A tactic used when someone suddenly cuts off communication or emotional attachment/expression, used as a form of punishment. Example: A manipulator might suddenly not speak to a victim after they have argued once.
What is silent treatment? Further discussion: What is another phrase for this tactic?
What is love bombing?
This answer may look like setting boundaries, pointing out behaviors when it is safe, and even asking for your feelings to be respected. You should be clear, appropriate, and neutral with your statements. You are entitled to your feelings, thoughts, and needs as is any other parties.
What is assertive communication?
Person A has noticed their friend, person B, constantly borrows their laptop for classwork without asking. When A points this out, B states "You told me I could use it." Person A says that from now on, they would like B to ask to use it. B responds by saying phrases like "What if I need it and you aren't there? It's not that big of a deal. You are such a controlling person!"
Yes. The phrasing used is an attempt to get person A to lift the boundary they have just set because it inconveniences person B. Further discussion: In this case, what are some ways person A can respond to keep their boundary stable?
This is not necessarily an act. Manipulative individuals may follow a 'hierarchy'. They may make you feel weaker or 'beneath' them. This is related to a role they may hold or they pretend to hold. This also may happen when someone has a different title than you. Example: The victim feels helpless because they are being manipulated by their boss.
What is a power imbalance?
This is a statement phrased in a way that proposes an unverified assumption that the person responding likely does not agree with. When used, the victim may feel that any answer to the question will look badly. Example: "Did you stop lying to your parents?"
What is a loaded question(s)?
When two parties disagree, a 3rd gets pulled in to act as a mediator. A manipulator may choose the 3rd party in a way that ensures they win. Example: They might bring in a close friend of theirs if you two are arguing.
What is triangulation? Further discussion: What are some ways this tactic can be addressed?
Using this act, you may create distance, not engage with manipulative tactics, and even leave a relationship to protect yourself. If it is not safe to do so, you may ask someone to help you out.
What is avoiding? Further discussion: What are some safe ways to leave a relationship? Hint: There is not one way.
Person C is friends with person B. Soon, C starts to notice that B is hanging out less with their friend group and more with person A, their partner. When C asks B why this is happening, B states "Well, A does not like you guys and wants me to hang out more with them. They get mad anytime I mention you guys."
This IS manipulation. Person A is attempting to get person B to spend time with them and just them. This is called social isolation. Further discussion: Why might an abuser try to isolate their victim?
The act of changing the goal midway in order to stop success. Example: Changing what gains the victim affection.
What is moving the goalpost?
This tactic changes the blame from the abuser to the victim by 'flipping' their roles. This way, the victim cannot call out the manipulation/abuse happening. Example: The abuser might claim "Everyone hates me" when the victim simply forgets to respond to their text message.
What is playing the victim? Further discussion: How might someone address the statement "Everyone hates me"?
This is the act of treating someone like they are a child. This is used to make the individual feel powerless and even restrict someone from gaining the skills to live without their abuser. Example: The abuser might not allow the victim to do simple tasks and therefore, the victim might always feel anxious doing these tasks alone.
What is infantilization?
You might have an anxious, avoidant, disorganized, or stable personality according to this theory (more than likely a mix though). When you learn more of this about yourself, you might be able to notice when someone is trying to take advantage of this part of your personality. What is this part of your personality called?
What is attachment styles?
Person A just got home from work, and person B starts yelling about A not putting the dishes in the right spot. Later that day, B starts yelling again about person A feeding the pets 10 minutes late. When person A gets defensive, person B says "I'm not the one forgetting everything! You do this all the time!"
Yes. Further discussion: What exactly makes this manipulative? Hint, there is multiple factors.