That's What She Said
"I lost Ed Truck and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears. And, at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. And then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone. And I am crying, and nobody can hear me because I am terribly, terribly, terribly alone."
Magnification
Michael: [shying away] Look, [sighs] It's a pimple Phyllis. Avrile Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive.
Phyllis: That's no pimple Michael.
Michael: You mean cancer?
Catastrophizing
“Thanks to Toby, I have a very strong prejudice against Human Resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters.”
Overgeneralization
"the guys was like, 'Who are your 5 friends?' and I'm, like, 'Uh... ' I didn't even know I couldn't even think. Oh, my God. It was so embarrassing. That was- oh. I don't even have Jan's cell phone number and I hate her! She won't give it to me. I was like, 'Oh, I guess I'm a loser. 'A luh-whooooo a za her'."
Emotional Reasoning
"I declare bankruptcy!" *Cuts all his credit cards*
Jumping to Conclusions
“I am going to fake fire him.”
“Thats not a good idea”
“Yes it’s a good idea. It’s the only possible solution I have left.”
All-or-Nothing Thinking
“I can't do this! This is pathetic, isn't it? I am such an idiot. I gave up the only job I ever loved to do this?”
(In response to creating his own company)
Disqualifying the Positive
"I told them that if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I've made some empty promises in my life, but hands down, that was the most generous."
Minimization
"Well, I am taking responsibility. It is up to me to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car."
Magical Thinking