Setting Boundaries: Overview
What are boundaries?
Limits we set with other people, which indicates what we find acceptable and unacceptable in their behavior towards us.
What are some ways you can be aware when setting boundaries?
-Be aware that it is always okay to say no to something that makes you uncomfortable.
-Be aware that you are in charge of your own happiness. If something makes you feel uncomfortable, you don't have to do it just because it would make someone else happy.
You had a tough day at school so you go to your room and shut the door. After a few minutes, your mom walks into your room without knocking and asks you what's wrong. On a normal day, this wouldn't bother you, but you wanted to be alone today. What do you do?
Have a conversation with your mom that you'd like your privacy. Talk to her about making a "knock first" policy that you both will respect.
What 4 things should you consider when setting a boundary?
Be Aware
Be Assertive
Be Authentic
Prioritize Yourself
What are some ways you can be assertive when setting boundaries?
-Saying "I'm not responsible for YOUR actions"
-Saying "I don't need to anticipate YOUR needs"
You and your best friend enjoy sharing each others clothes and makeup. You take good care of their things and return them in good condition. Your friend often returns your things in worse condition than when they borrowed them. They ask to borrow your new lipstick that you worked hard to buy. When they return it, you find it broken. What do you do?
Explain your feelings to your friend. Tell them you enjoy how close you are, but you want them to respect your things. If you feel it's necessary, stop sharing things with them until they've shown they respect your belongings. Boundaries aren't permanent. You can always choose to share your things again if you want to.
True or False: It is good to create boundaries in your romantic/sexual relationships, but not ALL relationships.
False: It is important to create boundaries in ALL relationships! Whether that's with friends, family, or intimate partners.
What are some ways you can be authentic when setting boundaries?
-Understanding that you have a right to your own thoughts and feelings.
-You have a need to express your thoughts and feelings freely.
After practice, you are expected to take a shower before returning to class. The showers in the girls locker room don't have curtains. The other girls on your team don't seem to have a problem with this, but it makes you uncomfortable. What do you do?
Just because someone else is comfortable in this situation doesn't mean you have to be. Ask your coach or other safe adult to talk and explain how uncomfortable this situation makes you. Work towards a solution that makes you feel safe, such as adding a few shower curtains. Sometimes all you have to do is ask.
True or False: Boundaries are permanent. Once you've made a boundary with someone, it can't be broken.
False: Boundaries are fluid! This means that they can always be reversed or changed. You may feel the need to set a boundary and keep it for a long time. One day, you may feel that this boundary is no longer necessary and that is okay.
What are some ways you can prioritize yourself when setting boundaries?
-Understanding that it's not your job to fix someone else.
-Understanding that it's okay to disagree with someone.
-Saying no to someone isn't disrespectful or mean if they are asking something that makes you uncomfortable.
You’ve been spending a lot of time with your partner recently. You enjoy the time you spend with them and they make you happy. After a difficult day at school, you decide to go home and spend some time alone. Your partner asks to come over and you say you’d rather spend time alone today. They become upset and ask if they did something wrong or if you want to break up. What do you do?
To your partner, it may seem like you don't enjoy spending time with them. It is important to understand that having alone time is just as healthy in a relationship as spending time together. Explain to your partner that you genuinely enjoy their presence, but need some alone time every now and then to decompress.
True or False: Creating boundaries between you and your parent(s) is important.
True: Even though you depend on them and they make the rules in your house, there should still be boundaries in place that make you feel safe and comfortable. For example, you may feel comfortable with one parent seeing you undressed once, but not always. Or you may feel comfortable talking to one parent about something that has upset you, but this doesn't mean you will always want to share personal feelings with them.
How do you know when a boundary needs to be created with someone?
If someone's behavior makes you uncomfortable, makes you feel anxious, or does some type of harm to you this is a reason to set a boundary.
You and your friend get into a huge argument. They call you several very hurtful things and storm off. When you come back to school the next day, they act as if nothing happened and try to hug you. This makes you upset. What do you do?
It is important to understand that you have the right to feel this way. Even if your friend has worked through their anger doesn't mean you don't need to work through yours. Explain to them that you can't act like nothing happened and you need some time to process the argument. Explain that you still care for them and want to be friends, but need some time to decompress before things go back to normal. Sitting down with them and having a conversation on why you feel hurt may help them to understand as well.