What’s Underneath It?
Someone becomes irritated when a friend cancels plans. Name one feeling that might be underneath the irritation.
Disappointment, hurt, sadness, loneliness, rejection.
They didn’t text me back, so they must be mad at me.” Thought or fact?
Thought. There is not enough evidence to know why they haven’t responded.
Your supervisor says, “Can we talk later?” What is the trigger?
The supervisor saying, “Can we talk later?”
“I can’t talk right now, but I can call you tonight.” Boundary or avoidance?
Boundary. The limit is communicated and connection is still possible.
You notice yourself getting angry, take three slow breaths, and then respond. Regulate or react?
Regulate.
Someone gets defensive after being corrected. What vulnerable emotion might be underneath the defensiveness?
Embarrassment, shame, insecurity, fear of failure, inadequacy.
“I made a mistake at work. I’m terrible at my job.” Identify the thinking error.
Labeling, overgeneralization, all-or-nothing thinking.
Trigger: Your partner seems quiet. Thought: “I did something wrong.” What emotion might come next?
Anxiety, fear, guilt, insecurity, worry, embarrassment
You stop answering a friend because you’re afraid they’ll be upset when you tell them no. Boundary or avoidance?
Avoidance. The fear of discomfort is driving withdrawal.
You feel anxious after sending a text and immediately send four more messages asking whether everything is okay. Regulate or react?
React. More specifically, reassurance seeking or impulsive responding.
Someone says, “I don’t care anymore,” after being disappointed several times. What might “not caring” be protecting them from?
Hurt, grief, disappointment, rejection, helplessness, vulnerability.
“If I don’t handle everything myself, everything will fall apart.” What thinking pattern might be happening?
Catastrophizing, excessive responsibility, all-or-nothing thinking.
Trigger: Some one criticizes you. Thought: “They think I’m stupid.” Feeling: embarrassed. Name one reactive action that might follow.
Arguing, shutting down, overexplaining, snapping back, withdrawing, people-pleasing, attacking.
“If you begin yelling at me, I’m going to end the conversation and we can try again later.” Boundary or avoidance?
Boundary. It identifies the behavior and the person’s own response.
During an argument, you leave without explanation and ignore your partner for three days. Regulate or react?
React. Likely withdrawal/avoidance rather than a healthy time-out.
A person becomes angry whenever their partner spends time with friends. Name two emotions that could be underneath the anger.
Jealousy, insecurity, loneliness, fear of abandonment, rejection, inadequacy, sadness.
“My friend sounded different on the phone. I know something is wrong between us.” What cognitive distortion could this represent?
Mind reading, jumping to conclusions.
Trigger: You don’t get invited to an event. Thought: “Nobody wants me around.” Feeling: rejected. What would be a more regulated action?
Check the facts, challenge the thought, talk to someone supportive, engage in another valued activity, avoid impulsive confrontation.
You stop attending all social events because you are afraid people may judge you. Boundary or avoidance?
Avoidance.
You are overwhelmed after work, recognize you are at your limit, and tell your family you need 20 minutes alone before talking. Regulate or react?
Regulate.
Someone is extremely controlling in relationships. What vulnerable emotions or beliefs might the need for control be protecting? Name at least three.
Fear of abandonment, uncertainty, rejection, helplessness, vulnerability, insecurity, distrust, fear of being hurt.
“If my partner loved me, they would automatically know what I need without me having to explain it.” What assumption is hidden in this thought?
Expecting mind reading; believing love should eliminate the need for communication.
Trigger: Your partner doesn’t answer the phone. Thought: “They must be hiding something.” Feeling: anxiety. Action: checking their location repeatedly. Identify one place in the chain where you could intervene and what you could do differently.
Thought: check the facts. Feeling/body: ground or breathe. Action: delay checking. Any reasonable intervention in the chain.
Someone says, “I’m setting a boundary—I’m cutting off anyone who disagrees with me.” What could help determine whether this is a healthy boundary or avoidance?
Consider actual harm, safety, values, communication, whether disagreement is being confused with mistreatment, and whether the person is escaping discomfort.
You notice a strong urge to confront someone, realize you’re emotionally flooded, ground yourself, examine what you actually know, and decide to wait before responding. Name at least three regulation skills being used.
Grounding, mindfulness, delaying action, checking the facts, distress tolerance, urge surfing, emotional awareness, cognitive restructuring, response inhibition.