The Behavior Window
What is the center line called that can move up or down based on 1) self, 2) environment, or 3) child?
Line of acceptance
We can identify when "Someone owns a problem" by both verbal and __________________ cues.
Non verbal
What are 3 types of "I" Messages you can give in the No Problem Area to build stronger relationships and increase the No Problem Area?
1) Declarative I messages.
2) Preventative I messages.
3) Positive I messages.
What are the 3 key parts an effective "Confrontive I messages" must have to be most effective in any order?
1) Specific, non-blameful description of the current behavior causing you a problem.
2) The True and Honest NEGATIVE FEELING it is causing you.
3) The concrete, tangible NEGATIVE effect the behavior has on you.
Modifying the Environment is a skill you can use in what part of the Behavior Window?
No Problem Area
What is it called when you modify your line of acceptance higher or lower than your true acceptance of a behavior?
False Line of acceptance.
True or False: According to Dr. Gordon-
"Children who find help solving problems maintain their psychological health and continue to acquire more strength and self-confidence. Children who do not, develop emotional problems."
True.
What type of I message can we send when we "Catch them being good"?
Positive I message.
When you have a problem and send a 3 part Confrontive I message, why might you need to SEND A second, STRONGER Message?
If the child/other does not respond to your first I message.
Something like "Hey, I'm telling you my feelings. It bothers me when that doesn't seem to matter to you. I don't like being ignored", etc.
True or False: If it is not possible to avoid negative feelings, it is best to just ignore them in yourself or your child until they go away.
False.
Negative feelings are a part of life. By processing those feelings yourself (or helping a child process them through ACTIVE LISTENING) we can help validate the feeling, accept it, and be free to move on.
What area do we want to spend the most time in?
No Problem Area
True or False: According to Dr. Gordon It is only possible to truly "help" someone with a problem through ACTIVE LISTENING. By remaining neutral and patient we allow the other person to explain and understand their own problem better. By leaving the problem with the child (not taking it on as our own) we help and support with Basic and Active Listening so the child can sort through their own feelings, process, and regulate. This allows for more critical thinking, creativity, resilience, and empowerment, etc. etc.
True
Gordon suggests we all have 3 kinds of time. Can you name them?
1) Activity
2) Alone
3) One-to-One
Sometimes problems can be prevented by finding a balance of needs. Often, the type or lack of TIME itself is the need (Time to work, time to cook, time for kids to play, run, and bond with you- feel close, etc.) Understanding our own and our children's needs of different types of time help us prevent or solve problems.
Sharing your feelings and the negative effect a specific behavior has on you requires honest personal and shared self-disclosure with vulnerability to another when you use a 3 part Confrontive I message.
According to your understanding of P.E.T., what is a possible negative effects to you/your relationships if you do not self-disclose with vulnerability when you own the problem?
- Can cause Resentment from your constant
unmet needs
- Missed opportunities for Connection
- Creates more problems due to lack of
understandings (of self or others)
- Creates barriers to connection
- Misses the opportunity to Model having your
needs met to your children.
- Unheard/unprocessed feelings "slow" thinking
brain speed
etc. etc. etc.
Please tell me in your own words what can be a "Problem with Praise"
It is done coming from a place of authority, meaning by its use, it reduces the child's self appraisal, self esteem, etc.
It can be both too specific and too general "Your a good girl"
It can be seen as manipulative, done in order to achieve a goal of the parent, not the success of the child.
It offers judgement and evaluations- suggesting even if 'good' now, I can disappoint the parent in the future,
etc. etc. etc.
The biggest purpose of the behavior window is to help you look through a lense, at a particular behavior, and identify _____________________?
What is one of the many possible negative outcomes for "making your child's problem your own"
-stifles creativity
-creates dependency
-can cause low self esteem
-we can be solving a surface problem, not the real one (like solving the outer layer of an onion)
-if we find solutions to a surface problem, we can make the true problem worse
-solving someone else's problems inhibit the other from "feeling" through the problem to let it go and move on.
-your child misses an opportunity to learn, with your support, how to manage their own problems
Plus many, many, others.....
True or False: The no problem area is a great place to share your own values and allow your child to truly understand you, who you truly are, why things are important to you, etc.
TRUE!
It can also increase the No Problem Area because the child can use that information to help prevent problems for you in the future as well as increasing your bond and true understanding of each other.
Why should you be prepared to ACTIVE LISTEN when YOU own a problem?
Because sharing your problem might bring to the surface someone else's problem or a past experience when their needs were not met.
Because often (prior to P.E.T. skills) we've "Confronted" in a Win/Lose way.
Because the "Helping Skills" when someone else has a problem is "Active Listening".
Because we want to model all skills, on every portion of the behavior window. The better we model, the better others can learn and provide back to us etc. etc. etc.
Same Word:
Understanding your own true and honest ___________ is not only incredibly helpful when we have a problem, but also a necessary part in Active Listening. Active Listening helps other to move through the problem by naming the ______________ the problem causes to allow them to arrive at their own solution.
FEELING/FEELINGS
What is it called when you give a Confrontive I message to someone and it causes THEM a problem, allowing you to step back and ACTIVE LISTEN to their problem and needs before continuing with yours.
(hint we talked about it yesterday)
Gear Shifting
Dr. Gordon describes 12 Roadblocks to Communication. Some of those Road Blocks seem "Positive" like, offering advice, using logic, asking questions, etc.
Why are these are RoadBlocks when "The Child Owns the Problem"?
Bonus: When is it OK to use them again?
Because in order for the Child to fully move through a problem, he or she has to fully experience the feelings the problem creates, and process them.
Offering solutions, giving advice, etc. (even if good solutions or advice) take away the valuable safe learning experience a child can have with you as a helper, so they become confident in their abilities to solve their own problems and skilled at navigating their own feelings.
Bonus: When the child fully understands the problem themselves, has all the feelings heard and processed, and the two of you are back in the "No Problem Area"
Sending Preventive I messages through honest self disclosure to prevent a potential future problem has positive effects on the development of the child and/or relationship with the child.
Can you name one of a possible positive effect on the child?
- Develops higher critical thinking skills
- Provides opportunity to develop and execute time management skills
- Helps develop empathy, practice thinking about others and their needs
- Provides opportunity to develop and employ CREATIVE Problem solving skills
- Fosters Intrinsic Motivation
Etc. etc. etc.
Why is someone else's action or behavior that is under my line of acceptance, my problem, not theirs?
ie. they leave the kitchen dirty, they don't take out the garbage, they don't listen to me, etc.
Because the behavior has a direct negative effect on you.
What is it called when a person cannot think or process because feelings are overwhelming their critical thinking abilities?
Bonus: What can we get really good at naming / identifying in ourselves and others to prevent it.
Emotional Flooding
Bonus: Feelings.