PIB
What is private investment banking, and how is it different from regular investment banking?
It’s the same thing, but private—so nobody asks questions.
What makes private investment banking different from public investing?
Regular investors get earnings reports. Private investors get whispered secrets over steak dinners.
What’s the difference between a hedge fund and a bush fund?
A hedge fund manages billions in speculative assets. A bush fund is when you bet your rent money on crypto while drinking Four Loko in the woods
Walk me through a Unleveraged Sell-Out.
First you take on a bunch of debt, then you dump it on unsuspecting clients for a large fee.
What is the opposite of private equity
Public Equity
Why do private investment bankers outperform traditional investors?
Because we know things the public isn’t supposed to know.
How do private investment bankers ensure their funds always look successful?
We don’t let the public see the numbers
How do you launder money legally without saying it out loud?
Call it a “special purpose vehicle”, add the word “blockchain”, and you’re good.
What’s the best way to screw over a client without them noticing?
Rename their losses as “temporary volatility” and charge a consulting fee to explain it.
How many interns should you hire before HR gets involved?
More than five. (Less than five, and you're just “mentoring.”)
How do you determine the value of a private asset?
We make up a number, call it a “private valuation,” and hope no one checks
What’s the best way to structure a private deal to maximize returns?
We move money between private entities until no one can track it.
What’s the optimal bribe-to-return ratio when lobbying for deregulation?
10-to-1. Any less, and you’re just an amateur.
What’s the best excuse for an SEC investigation?
"It was just an accounting error."
If a shrub fund manager and a private investment banker are in a burning building, who shorts the insurance payout first?
Neither. The insurance was privately shorted months ago
How does private investment banking handle risk?
If it makes money, it’s ours. If it loses money, it’s yours
What’s the first rule of private investment banking?
Don't talk about private investment banking
How much cocaine per hour does the average private investment banker consume on a deal over $100M?
At least two nostrils’ worth per hour—anything less is unprofessional.
If you’re running a Ponzi scheme, at what point should you leave the country?
Immediately after starting it, but definitely before the first investor asks for their money back.
If a client asks too many questions, what’s the correct private investment banking response?
Just say, "It’s complicated, but trust me, you’re making money."
What’s the best way to exit a private investment that’s going south?
Sell it to another private investor before they realize what’s happening.
What’s the second rule of private investment banking?
If it’s a great deal, it stays private. If it’s bad, we sell it to the public
How do private investment bankers stay humble despite making millions?
By calling their third vacation home "modest."
What’s the best way to blow a year’s bonus in a single weekend?
Fly to Monaco, rent a yacht, hire questionable company, and place an all-in bet on a failing startup.
If you are trying to sell a client a burning building, what would you do?
You pitch it as an “exclusive distressed opportunity”