Acceptance does NOT equal agreement
True or False: Radical acceptance means you have to like your parents' rules.
False!
Which thought is fighting reality?
A: "I really don't like having a curfew"
B: "My parents shouldn't be allowed to give me a curfew!"
B
Can you directly control whether your parents have rules?
No
Your friends are staying out until 9PM, but your curfew is 7PM.
What would radical acceptance sound like?
"I'm really annoyed that I have to leave earlier. I wish my curfew were later, but tonight I have to be home at 7"
Name one respectful way to tell a parent you want more independence.
Free points!
If you accept that your curfew is currently 7pm, does that mean you think 7pm is a fair curfew?
No. Acceptance means recognizing that right now, that is the rule, even if you disagree with it.
You have to be home at 7PM and spend the entire evening thinking, "None of my friends have to do this. It's so unfair". What might happen to your emotions?
Anger/frustration may become stronger even though the curfew hasn't changed.
Can you control how you communicate your feelings about those rules?
Yes
Your parents tell you it's bedtime, but you're not tired and feel you're old enough to decide when you sleep.
Create an acceptance statement.
"I don't agree that I need this bedtime. Right now, though, this is a rule my parents have set".
What could you potentially do later to advocate for yourself?
Instead of saying:
"You guys treat me like i'm five!"
How could you communicate it in a way that is respectful, and shows the need that is not being met?
"I feel frustrated because having more independence is becoming important to me. Could we talk about ways I could earn more freedom?"
Finish the sentence: "I can disagree with _____ while still accepting ______"
Free point for any answer
Does radical acceptance mean you aren't allowed to be angry about a rule?
No. You can accept reality and still have feelings about it.
Name 3 things you can control when you disagree with a rule.
How I communicate, whether I follow through on responsibilities, asking to discuss the rule, managing my emotions, choosing the right time to talk, etc.
You calmly ask for a later curfew. Your parents say no.
What can you accept, and what can you still do?
Accept that the answer right now is no. You can still ask what they would need to see from you before reconsidering it in the future.
Your parents won't change your curfew today. What's one thing you could do that moves you toward your goal anyway?
Accept that even though we don't like the situation right now, it is our reality, and fighting it will spend more of your energy. Eventually, we can influence their decision, and control how we talk to them about the situation.
What is the difference between the two:
"My parents shouldn't give me a bedtime"
versus
"I don't agree with my bedtime, but right now my parents have decided that I have one"
The second acknowledges reality without saying the rule is fair or reasonable.
Turn this into an acceptance statement:
"I'm basically not allowed to do anything. My parents shouldn't control everything"
"I feel really restricted by some of my parents' rules. I don't like the amount of independence I have right now, AND these are currently the rules I'm dealing with"
Sort these into Control / Not My Control:
- What time my parents set my curfew
- How I talk to them about it
- Whether they immediately agree with me
- Whether I follow through when given more freedom
- My feelings about the situation
Control:
- How you talk to your parents about rules, whether you follow through when given more freedom, your feelings about the situation
Not your control:
What time your parents set curfew, whether they immediately agree with you
Your friend says:
"If i were you, I just wouldn't listen to them"
But you know doing that would probably create more conflict at home.
How could radical acceptance help you make a decision based on your reality, rather than your friend's?
It can help by not fighting our current reality, and not intensifying our emotions about a certain situation.
What could you ask your parents that turns an argument into a negotiation?
"What would you need to see from me to feel comfortable giving me a later curfew?"
Why might accepting the current rule actually make it easier to work toward more independence?
You can spend less energy fighting the rule that exists, and more energy deciding how you want to communicate, negotiate, or show responsibility!
Identify the difference between pain and extra suffering:
"I'm disappointed that I have to leave early"
versus
"This always happens! My parents ruin everything. There's no point in even going"
How might the second thought intensify the original disappointment?
Complete this:
I can't control: __________
I can influence: _________
I can control: ___________
I can't control my parents rules.
I can influence my parents' decisions.
I can control how I talk to them about the rules.
Your parents give you more independence for one night, but they're repeatedly texting you to check where you are.
What feelings come up?
What can't you control?
What can you control?
What could you communicate later?
Free points!
Two things can be true:
Come up with two truths that can exist at the same time.
I can be frustrated that my parents have rules, AND recognize that those are the rules I currently have.
I can recognize what I can't control right now, so I can put my energy toward what I CAN control or influence.