WATER
Give me food and I'll live, but give me water and I'll die. What am I?
Fire!
I’m bigger than a cow, can peel my own bananas, and don’t eat meat. What am I?
An Elephant
Why did the flashlight, the camera, and the remote-controlled car attend the funeral?
They were grieving the dead batteries
What kind of flower lives between your mouth and chin?
Two-lips.
What is invisible and makes people suffer from symptoms like sweating and nausea, yet people can’t survive without it?
Love.
What's a lifeguard's favorite game?
Pool!
Alive as you but without breath,
As cold in my life as in my death;
Never a thirst though I always drink,
Dressed in a mail but never a clink.
Fish!
A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
What happened when the man fell in love with his garden?
It made him wed his plants.
There are 20 people in an empty, square room. Each person has full sight of the entire room and everyone in it without turning his head or body, or moving in any way (other than the eyes). Where can you place an apple so that all but one person can see it?
Place the apple on one person's head.
I'm the child of water, but when you take me back to the water I'll die. Who am I?
Ice!
A horse is tied to a fifteen-foot rope and there is a bale of hay 25 feet away from him. The horse however is still able to eat from the hay. How is this possible?
The rope wasn't tied to anything!
Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?
He pastaway
I am a seed with three letters in my name. Take away the last two and I still sound the same. What am I?
Pea.
What jumps higher than a building?
All animals and people can jump higher than a building. Buildings do not jump.
One day, a man was bragging about being able to hold his breath underwater for 6 minutes. Then another man said that's easy. I'll bet you $50 that I can stay underwater for 10 minutes. He got the money without using any underwater breathing material. How did he do it?
He held a glass above his head for 10 minutes.
A man started to town with a fox, a goose, and a sack of corn. He came to a stream which he had to cross in a tiny boat. He could only take one across at a time. He could not leave the fox alone with the goose or the goose alone with the corn. How did he get them all safely over the stream?
He took the goose over first and came back. Then, he took the fox across and brought the goose back. Next, he took the corn over. He came back alone and took the goose.
I have no life, but I can die. What am I?
A battery!
Once there was an evil wizard. He took 3 women from their homes and turned them into rose bushes that looked exactly alike. He put them in his garden. One of the women had a husband and children and begged the wizard to let her see them. He agreed. At night he brought the woman to her house. In the morning he came and took her home. Next day the husband decided to go rescue her. So he snuck into the wizard's garden. He looked and looked at the 3 identical rose bushes trying to figure out which could be his wife. Suddenly he knew the answer and he took his wife home. How did he know which rose bush was his wife?
The wizard brought the rosebush to her home at night and returned her to the garden in the morning. Therefore, she was the only plant without dew.
What is the similarity between a bottle and a human being?
Both have necks.
If you drop a yellow hat in the Red Sea, what does it become?
Wet
August was the name of a puppy who was always picking on larger animals. One day he got into an argument with a lion. The next day was the first day of September. Why?
Because that was the last of August.
It brings back the lost as though never gone, shines laughter and tears with light long since shone; a moment to make, a lifetime to shed; valued then but lost when your dead. What Is It?
Memory
A king has no sons, no daughters, and no queen. For this reason he must decide who will take the throne after he dies. To do this he decides that he will give all of the children of the kingdom a single seed. Whichever child has the largest, most beautiful plant will earn the throne; this being a metaphor for the kingdom. At the end of the contest all of the children came to the palace with their enormous and beautiful plants in hand. After he looks at all of the children's pots, he finally decides that the little girl with an empty pot will be the next Queen. Why did he choose this little girl over all of the other children with their beautiful plants?
The king gave them all fake seeds and the little girl was the only honest child who didn't switch seeds.
As I was going to the mall I met a man with seven wives. Each wive held two bags, each bag held a mother cat, each mother cat had six babies, How many people were going to the mall?
Just one.