Sending
What's Simon's favorite type of send?
a) House Parties
b) Band Shows
c) Any party with a DJ
d) Open Container Maxxing
a) House Parties
What sport that is known for being dominated by non heterosexual men and women does Simon play?
Ultimate Frisbee
What is Simon's girlfriend's last name?
Marshall
Simon has a Lego figurine of which famous person in his room.
Hitler!
An alien UFO thats yanked from the sky by one large opposable thumb.
Frisbee
What is the official name for today's send?
Simon's Sender Birthday Bender OR
Simon's Birthday Sender Bender
Throughout Sophomore year, Simon could be seen playing which video game after class?
Rocket League
The past couple of weeks, Simon has engaged in sexual grinding with this person:
Doug
What trip consisting of feral behavior does Simon always talk about?
Alaska
The method of the insect with thousands of ommatidia regarding urination in public.
The fly method
The day after every Saturday Send, Nikhil and Simon do what activity?
House Clean
An incessant and incredibly egregious to listen to hobby that Simon has recently picked up.
Playing Guitar
Simon and Marcella's favorite date night restaurant that they go to weekly.
Pasta Jay's
Nikhil's Grandparents love to reduce someone to one quality they can remember them by, their one quality for Simon was "the _______"
Athlete
Every year blood is spilled at this battle of wits.
CSU Chess Club
Construction Worker
Cooking!
Simon and Marcella deeply believe in what theory regarding intercourse?
Making it as loud as possible so the whole house hears it
What does Simon call nicotine pouches most frequently?
A) Cheds
B) Chinos
C) Chinis
D) Happy Pills
Chinis
What came first? The shoe, the sock, or the foot?
The shoe!
Estimate how many sends has Simon achieved since the beginning of this school year. (Closest number wins)
17
According to the Alaimo goons vs beers drank model, you started gooning 6 years ago. During the COVID-19 pandemic, you gooned much more frequently, averaging 5 times per day. After the pandemic, your gooning returned to its normal rate of 1.5 times per day. Here, x represents the number of years since you started gooning.
The cumulative number of times you have gooned is modeled by:
G(x) = 5x (when 0 < x < 1)
4 + x (when x > 1)
The cumulative number beers drank you have consumed is modeled by:
B(x) = x2/2
B(x) and G(x) have been reduced by a factor of 100 for simplicity. Find the intersection point of how many years until you would drink the same amount of beers as total goons.
Solution:
o Set G(x) = B(x) (use 4 + x for G(x) since intersection will be after first year)
o 4 + x = x2/2 (multiply both sides by 2)
o 8 +2x = x2 (rearrange into quadratic form)
o x2 - 2x - 8 = 0 (factor or use quadratic formula)
o (x - 4)(x + 2) = 0 (Rationalize that answer must be 4 years not -2 years)
Answer: 4 years.
Outside of love for his girlfriend, Simon is one of the most loving and personable people we know. (You get a buy on this one Simon)
N/A
What body part of Simon is buried in his parent's front yard?
Umbilical cord
What famous work of art is hidden in "Simon Alaimo"?
Hint: Forget about "in my opinion"
Mona Lisa