Guilt & Shame
What is the difference between guilt and shame?
Guilt - I did something bad. Shame - I am bad (Actions vs. Identity)
What are the 5 survival styles called?
Connection, Attunement, Trust, Autonomy, Love/Sexual Survival Style
The goal is to eliminate your Survival Style completely.
False - The goal is greater awareness, flexibility, choice, and integration.
Give one example of a pride-based belief
"I don't need anyone." "I'm better than everyone." "I can handle everything." "I never make mistakes."
What might anger sometimes be protecting someone from feeling?
Vulnerability, hurt, fear, guilt, or shame.
When do guilt and shame cross over?
When I believe that "I did something bad because I am bad"
What is one behavior you used to judge yourself for that you now understand differently because of what you learned this week?
Answer may vary
True or False: Shame always comes from something objectively wrong that a person has done.
False - Shame can arise from how we interpret ourselves and our experiences.
Why can vulnerability be difficult when someone carries shame?
Because being vulnerable means allowing others to see parts of ourselves that we fear will be rejected.
True or False: Shame always looks like feeling sad or embarassed.
False — shame can also show up as anger, defensiveness, perfectionism, avoidance, control, withdrawal, or people-pleasing.
What is the definition of shame?
Shame is a survival mechanism and a process of self-rejection that causes us to judge or reject ourselves in order to protect ourselves from rejection or disconnection from others.
What is the purpose of a Survival Style?
To help us adapt, survive, and maintain connection/safety in response to unmet developmental needs.
True or False: Survival Styles are something a person consciously choose
False - They develop as adaptations to early relational experiences.
What is one way shame can affect relationships?
It can cause isolation, difficulty trusting, defensiveness, people-pleasing, avoidance, or difficulty being vulnerable
What is one thing you are learning to accept about yourself?
Any genuine answer demonstrating self-acceptance qualifies.
What do people do to counter-balance their shame-based beliefs about themselves?
Pride-Based Identifications/Beliefs
What is the root of all survival styles?
Self-rejection, Shame, guilt, self-hatred
True or False: Understanding your Survival Style means you have to identify with it forever.
False - Awareness creates the possibility for greater choice and flexibility.
Guilt is about my _______, while shame is about my ______.
Actions/behavior, identity/self
If shame says “Hide,” what does healing often invite us to do?
Connect, become vulnerable, share, accept ourselves, and allow ourselves to be seen.
What does "You are only as sick as your secrets" mean?
Secrets can reinforce shame and isolation; sharing them safely can reduce shame and promote healing.
What is one benefit to understanding your survival style?
Answer may vary: Helps you understand relationships better, helps to be compassionate to yourself, helps to not react, helps to better understand what emotions I am feeling and why
True or false: Talking about shame can sometimes reduce its power.
True - bringing shame into awareness and connection can reduce secrecy and isolation.
Someone says, "If I tell people what I really need, they'll think I'm too needy." What might be underneath this?
Shame, difficulty with attunement, or fear of rejection
What might perfectionism be protecting someone from?
Shame, criticism, rejection, or feeling inadequate