Basic Facts
What is domestic violence?
When grownups in a relationship try to control each other through:
Physically hurting
Threats/ Intimidation
Put downs
Cutting the person off from friends and family
Not taking responsibility for behavior
Using the kids
Not allowing the person to have money
TRUE OR FALSE.
If a person has hit once in a relationship, they are likely to do it again.
TRUE. The best predictor of how a person will act in the future is how they have acted in the past unless they have gotten help to change the behavior.
Who experiences domestic violence?
ALL KINDS of people! Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate by race, religion, gender or income or anything else.
- Rich people and poor people
- People in America and all over the world
- People of all different ages
- People of all different ethnicities
- Women and Men
How do kids feel about the person who was violent?
- Some people who are violent some of the time are nice and loveable at other times.
- Sometimes kids love the person who is violent and sometimes they hate the person or fear him.
- Sometimes they feel all different things. All of their feelings are OK.
How do kids feel?
•They might feel guilty, like they caused it.
•They might feel mad at the person doing the abusing or the person getting abused.
•They might feel like they can’t trust any adults.
•They might feel confused because they feel anger and love and fear and respect of the same person at the same time.
•They might feel worried about when it will happen again.
Is domestic violence ever okay?
No, domestic violence is never okay, no matter what the other person did.
TRUE OR FALSE. Alcohol and substance abuse cause domestic violence.
FALSE. Violence is a choice. If alcohol and drugs caused people to be violent, everyone who used them would be.
Are there lots of kids who see and hear domestic violence in their homes?
Yes. More than 3 million kids see this violence in their homes every year. This means there are lots of children who see and hear adult family members hurting one another.
Is it possible for children who've seen domestic violence to start feeling better?
Yes. There are lots of things children who have seen domestic violence can do to feel better.
What do kids experience?
•Stomachaches
•Headaches
•Nightmares
•Trouble eating
•Trouble sleeping
Why does domestic violence happen?
There are lots of reasons. All of them have to do with the grownup that is being violent. It is NEVER the child’s fault or the fault of the person who is being hurt. Some people think that alcohol and substance abuse cause domestic violence, but it is important to remember that violence is a CHOICE. If alcohol and drugs caused people to be violent, everyone who used them would be violent.
What can kids do if they are feeling unhappy or scared, even if they no longer live with the person who was violent to their abused parent?
Is domestic violence only in married couples?
It can happen in any relationship.
- Between parents
- Between a mom and dad
- Between a boyfriend and girlfriend,
- Between people who are married and not
- Does not always have to be the man hurting the women.
Why don’t children tell about domestic violence?
Lots of reasons
- Might feel they are the only ones this is happening to
- The person who did the abuse tells the child that it's 'a secret,' and that they shouldn't tell anybody.
- The person might makes threats and says things like 'if you tell anyone, I'll hurt you, or I'll hurt your mom.'
- The person who hurt you may even tell you that if you tell, no one will believe you.
- Some kids are ashamed or embarrassed or afraid that they'll get in trouble.
What can remind you of the domestic violence?
Sometimes you can be reminded of it by things you see, touch, hear, smell, or even taste.
When adults do domestic violence, does it mean that they hate kids / are angry at the kids?
No! Their actions have nothing to do with the kids.
TRUE OR FALSE. It is never okay for grownups to argue.
Who is at fault when there is domestic violence?
The person who is perpetrating the abuse.
How do kids who have seen domestic violence act in school?
•They might get in fights or have problems with teachers.
•They might not want to go to school or they might not want to go home.
•They might have a hard time concentrating. They might bully other kids.
•They might get bullied by other kids and not have friends.
Where should you go for help?
Counselors, teachers, social workers doctors and police are some good people you can talk to. It is important to tell an adult when you are seeing domestic violence. Talking will help you feel better after a while.
How can you tell if a person will be violent?
You can’t tell by looking at a person if they are going to be violent. BUT, if a person has hit once in a relationship, they are likely to do it again. The best predictor of how a person will act in the future is how they have acted in the past unless they have gotten help to change the behavior.
TRUE OR FALSE. It is okay for people to get angry.
True. There are healthy and unhealthy ways for people to get angry. What are some healthy ways people express their anger? What are some unhealthy ways people express their anger?
Do kids ever think it was their fault?
Sometimes kids blame themselves when their parents fight and argue.
- It’s not a kid’s fault when grown ups disagree.
- Grownups should never hit each other, even when they're really mad.
- People who live together disagree about lots of things, and it's 'ok' to be angry. But, there are better ways to handle things than hitting and yelling at each other.
- It's your parents' (or appropriate adults') job to find better ways to handle things when they're feeling mad at each other. Just remember, it's ok to be mad, but it's not ok to hurt someone.
How do kids who have seen domestic violence act at home?
•They might pick on or beat up younger brothers and sisters.
•They might be mean to animals.
•They might use drugs or alcohol.
•They might run away.
•They might hurt themselves.
•They might try to act like the parent
If adults are physically fighting, what should a child do?
Get somewhere safe and call the police and a trusted, safe adult.