Quotes That Probably Weren't Said
"I couldn't believe that they were so jealous of me, that they put me in slavery! But you wouldn't believe the look on their faces when they figured out I became ruler of Egypt."
Joseph.
How Does Moses make his coffee?
He-Brews It!
This man was trying to peacefully sleep until his son kept waking up him. Turns out, he didn't even call him to do anything, but someone else did.
Eli.
Imagine pretending that your wife is your sister.. TWICE!
That's gotta be weird.
Referring to Abraham and Sarah
What city mentioned in the book of Revelations is also the name of an American city today?
Philadelphia (Revelation 3:7-13)
"Being diseased with leprosy was not on my bingo card. How am I gonna manage being sick, and my army at the same time? Luckily, one of my servants told me about some guy named Elisha. Ha, what's HE gonna do?"
Naaman
Moses! Because he smashed the tablets that had the commandments on them!
They (3 people) fell asleep 3 TIMES while trying to look out for a special someone before his fate came to him.
Peter
John
James
Imagine riding your donkey to go say some bad words to a certain group of people, then it starts to misbehave. You beat it but then the donkey starts to TALK to you?
That's gotta be weird.
Referring the story of Baalam and the Donkey.
What was inside the Ark of the Covenant?
- golden pot of manna
- aaron's staff
- tables of the covenant (Hebrews 9:4)
"After having a nightly visit with Jesus himself, I learned something that changed my life. I must be born again to enter the kingdom of heaven. It looks like I have go find my mother and get back in her womb."
Nicodemus
How many animals did Moses put on the ark?
NONE. It was Noah.
The first person to fall asleep during a sermon. Funny how it almost cost him his life.
Eutychus
Imagine just hanging out with your friends then yall see a bald man walk past. Thinking that you guys are funny, you call him out and call him bald. But then you suddenly see 2 bears and get maliciously tore apart by them?
That's gotta be weird.
What animal is mentioned exactly 14 times in the King James version of the Bible?
Dog
"I spent my life taking care of those who are unfortunate, but sadly I got sick and died. Or at least I think I died. I was on my bed resting until I woke and saw this random guy named Peter kneeling beside my bed! Looks like I'm back to making clothes!"
Dorcus (Tabitha)
Abraham, because he knew a Lot!
This young man, who was taken from slavery, needed to interpret a dream about impending doom to a king to save his life. Although he gave no further instructions about the dream, they were promoted.
Imagine you get called to kill a king, so you empty the room and stab him in his stomach. But then you realize that the king is so FAT, that your sword is stuck and swallowed in his stomach.
That's gotta be weird.
Referring to the story of the assassin Ehud, and the death of King Eglon.
"Now unto him that is able to keep you from ____, and to present you ______ before the presence of his _____ with exceeding ______."
- falling
- faultess
- glory
- joy
(Jude 1:24)
"Somehow the bible didn't give me enough recognition when I cried. Just only two words."
Jesus!
What kind of a man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
Ruth-less.
Imagine coming across a wonderful place to stay for the night. You had a good drink, and soon fall asleep in your warm comfy tent. Then all of a sudden, you get a tent peg driven through the side of your head. Who suffered this fate?
Sisera (Jael was the one who killed Sisera.)
Imagine thinking you and God are chill until he tries to kill you. But then your wife gets a knife, cuts off your son's foreskin, and wipes the blood on your feet, to save your life.
That's gotta be weird..
Exodus 4:24-26. Probably the most weirdest part of the bible in my opinion.
The last sentence in the bible.
"The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all." Revelations 22:21