4 horsemen
What are the 4 horsemen
1. Defensiveness
2. Contempt
3. Criticism
4. Stonewalling
Criticism is defined as:
something along the lines of:
Dealing with problems through harsh, blaming, or hurtful expressions of judgment and disapproval.
Defensiveness is defined as:
Deflecting responsibility for your own mistakes
Contempt is defined as:
belittling someone, being sarcastic, eye rolling, scoffing, being rude, hostile and making someone else feel less than.
Stonewalling is defined as:
something along the lines of:
- Emotionally withdrawing
- Shutting down/ putting a wall up
- Removing the self from important discussions.
Why are I statements useful?
because they express how you feel without blaming the other person.
How can we rephrase:
"This kitchen is a mess. You're such a slob".
"I feel frustrated when dirty dishes are left in the sink. Could you please do the dishes tonight?"
What are the characteristics of defensiveness?
- Making excuses for behaviors
- Shifting the blame to someone else
- Protecting the self from perceived threats
How do you combat contempt?
- Be affectionate
- Acknowledge partner's strengths
- Compliment
Can you force someone to communicate with you if they are stonewalling you?
NO!
It is important to be able to respect other people's boundaries and understand limits of communicating with others.
What are antidotes?
The ways to combat the problematic behavior in relationships.
How do we engage in a gentle startup?
-Saving the discussion for a more appropriate time.
- Using warm and accepting body language & tone of voice.
- Using 'I statements' .
Owning up to your behavior is known as
Taking accountability
How do we rephrase: "You're such an idiot, even a child knows how to put the clothes away!"
"I understand you were busy today, but you got the laundry done which is great! Will you be able to put the clothes away earlier next time?"
When a conversation can escalate, is it okay to walk away from the conversation & come back later? Why/why not?
Yes, it is okay to walk away from the conversation, as long as you try to communicate when you would like to come back to it.
Walking away is a healthy way to gather thoughts and speak things out in a respectful manner.
True or False?
If you don’t criticize, stonewall, get defensive, or show contempt, the other person will naturally come down to your level.
False — you can do everything right and still not have a disagreement go your way. The only thing you can truly control is your own behavior, thoughts, and actions.
What other horsemen goes hand in hand with criticism?
Defensiveness
Why?
Because criticizing others will eventually turn into trying to defend oneself from any perceived threats in the conversation.
How can we rephrase "It isn't my fault I yelled! You were late not me!"
Along the lines of: "I shouldn't have raised my voice, I'm sorry".
Why does contempt arise in a relationship?
Because your needs/the other person's needs are not being met.
When someone stonewalls, the other person often feels:
Ignored, Dismissed, Frustrated, Rejected, Unloved, Angry, Anxious, Lonely, Disconnected
Why is understanding the four horsemen important?
something along the lines of:
- Being able to repair a relationship that is soon destined to fail.
- Being able to understand and mend relationships and construct a new, healthy one while being able to recognize the 4 horsemen being present.
How does constructive feedback differ from criticism?
- Constructive feedback = positive feedback where someone will feel more inclined to accept the advice.
- Criticism = negative thoughts that can make someone feel judged and hurt by the other person.
How do you take accountability for being defensive?
"I was being very inconsiderate about _____, I will try my best to not let ____ happen again in the future."
How is contempt different from criticism?
Criticism = ‘You’re the problem.’
Contempt = ‘I’m better than you.’
Why do people resort to stonewalling others?
- They feel overwhelmed from the negative conversation.
- Being overwhelmed from other people and the problems being discussed.