4 horsemen
What are the 4 horsemen of the relationship apocalypse?
1. Defensiveness
2. Contempt
3. Criticism
4. Stonewalling
What are the characteristics of defensiveness?
- Making excuses for behaviors
- Shifting the blame to someone else
- Protecting the self from perceived threats
Contempt is defined as:
belittling someone, being sarcastic, eye rolling, scoffing, being rude, hostile and making someone else feel less than.
Criticism is defined as:
something along the lines of:
Dealing with problems through harsh, blaming, or hurtful expressions of judgment and disapproval.
Stonewalling is defined as:
something along the lines of:
- Emotionally withdrawing
- Shutting down/ putting a wall up
- Removing the self from important discussions.
Deflecting responsibility for your own mistakes
Defensiveness
Owning up to your behavior is known as
Taking accountability
How do you combat contempt?
- Be affectionate
- Acknowledge partner's strengths
- Compliment
How can we rephrase:
"This kitchen is a mess. You're such a slob".
Something along the lines of:
"I feel frustrated when dirty dishes are left in the sink. Could you please do the dishes tonight?"
Can you force someone to communicate with you if they are stonewalling you?
NO!
It is important to be able to respect other people's boundaries and understand limits of communicating with others.
What are antidotes?
The ways to combat the problematic behavior in relationships.
How can we rephrase "It isn't my fault I yelled! You were late not me!"
Along the lines of: "I shouldn't have raised my voice, I'm sorry".
How do we rephrase: "You're such an idiot, even a child knows how to put the clothes away!"
something along the lines of:
"I understand you were busy today, but you got the laundry done which is great! Will you be able to put the clothes away earlier next time?"
How do we engage in a gentle startup?
something along the lines of:
-Saving the discussion for a more appropriate time.
- Using warm and accepting body language & tone of voice.
- Using 'I statements' .
When a conversation can escalate, is it okay to walk away from the conversation & come back later? Why/why not?
something along the lines of:
Yes, it is okay to walk away from the conversation, as long as you try to communicate when you would like to come back to it.
Walking away is a healthy way to gather thoughts and speak things out in a respectful manner.
True or False: Stonewalling is a result of the other 3 horsemen being present.
True
How do you take accountability for being defensive?
"I was being very inconsiderate about _____, I will try my best to not let ____ happen again in the future."
Why does contempt arise in a relationship?
something along the lines of:
Because your needs/the other person's needs are not being met.
What other horsemen goes hand in hand with criticism?
Defensiveness
Why?
Because criticizing others will eventually turn into trying to defend oneself from any perceived threats in the conversation.
Why do people resort to stonewalling others?
something along the lines of:
- They feel overwhelmed from the negative conversation.
- Being overwhelmed from other people and the problems being discussed.
Why is understanding the four horsemen important?
something along the lines of:
- Being able to repair a relationship that is soon destined to fail.
- Being able to understand and mend relationships and construct a new, healthy one while being able to recognize the 4 horsemen being present.
What is the difference between a "counter-attack" and the "innocent-victim"?
1. Counter-attack: known as a one-up, and distracts yourself from your own problem and shifts the blame to the other person.
-> ex: "You want to talk about laundry? Look at the dishes piled up in the sink!"
2. Innocent-Victim: allows themselves to be put down by someone else.
-> ex: "I guess it's always my fault"; or "I can't ever do anything right".
Being passive-aggressive is better than acting out of contempt.
No, they are both unhealthy behaviors that negatively affect a relationship.
*trick question haha*
How does constructive feedback differ from criticism?
Something along the lines of:
- Constructive feedback = positive feedback where someone will feel more inclined to accept the advice.
- Criticism = negative thoughts that can make someone feel judged and hurt by the other person.
Why is stonewalling the last of the 4 horsemen?
Something along the lines of:
Because it is a last resort for many people, when all other forms of the four horsemen are present, it is very common for people to feel the need to withdraw and shut down.