Barbarian Chads
At the after-party in modern-day Hungary to celebrate his conquests in Western Europe, this guy drank too much and dropped dead
Who is Attila the Hun?
The mother of Constantine and discoverer of the True Cross
After his Christian cousin killed his dad, this Roman emperor reverted to good ol' Roman paganism out of resentment
Who is Julian the Apostate?
Attila thought twice about marching on Rome after a finger-wagging from this pope
Who is St. Leo the Great?
This son of Germanicus almost certainly did not wear little boots into adulthood
Who is Caligula?
The "eldest daughter of the Church" takes its legacy from the conversion of this Merovingian king
Who is Clovis?
The wife of the king of Kent when St. Augustine came to Britain, she was influential in her husband's conversion to the faith and, by extension, the conversion of the Anglo-Saxons
Who is St. Bertha?
The Saxons became our brothers in Christ after their forced adoption by this otherwise cool ruler
Who is Charlemagne?
This ex-child slave returned to the land of his captors to win magic competitions against the Druids
Who is St. Patrick?
Even though everyone had to do whatever he said, he nevertheless called himself just a regular Joe and "first citizen"
Who is Caesar Augustus?
This Ostrogoth swooped in to take over Italy from his ethnically ambiguous predecessor, building beautiful Arian churches along the way
Who is Theodoric the Great?
Muhammad was able to pay his bills by taking to wife this wealthy woman sixteen years his senior
Who is Khadijah?
Fed up with diathelitism because he thought monotheletism was way easier to understand (even though they are both confusing), this Byzantine emperor severed poor St. Maximus's tongue and writing hand
Who is Constans II?
This vicar of Christ loved the poor so much that he bankrupted the Roman treasury to buy them shoes and sandwiches
Who is St. Gregory the Great?
This ruler's day job was annihilating the Macromanni, but his hobby was writing about Stoicism
Who is Marcus Aurelius?
After joining a new religion in the middle of the desert, this successor of a Quraish prophet stole Jerusalem from the Christians
Who is Umar?
A Merovingian queen who, after going to war against her neighbor to avenge the murder of her sister, was, according to some accounts, hanged, drawn, and quartered, or, according to other accounts, dragged on the ground by a horse until she died
Who is Brunehilde of Austrasia?
Said to have rivaled Elagabalus himself, this shameful successor of St. Peter was fatally defenestrated by the incensed husband of his mistress
Who is Pope John XII?
Thor lost his oak garden thanks to the insanely zealous axe of this Saxon missionary
Who is St. Boniface?
Many Christians were gloriously eaten by wild beasts in the premier ancient sports stadium built by this emperor
This king built a church to compete with a certain special cube
Who is Abraha of Himyar?
Pope Sergius III initiated the saeculum obscurum after his illicit affair with this influential woman from a very influential family
Who is Marozia?
While at first he thought Christianity was cringe-worthy and de-converted the kingdom of Kent after the death of his father, this king realized the truth when St. Laurence took his shirt off to show where St. Peter had whipped him all the night before
Who is Eadbald?
The Pelagian Picts ran away scared after this bishop from Gaul bellowed the "Alleluia" form of a haka
Who is St. Germanus?
This emperor proposed a three-tiered solution to all the drama of the third century: "Be harmonious, enrich the soldiers, spurn the rest."
Who is Septimius Severus?